New member here and, firstly, I would like to thank every single one of you. I've been "dating" a PTSD sufferer for the past 6 months. I've never been so close to someone that suffers from it before, so it's been full of the ups and downs that all of you know so well. I've spent hours scouring thread after thread and you all have helped me find the answers I've so desperately been searching for as a supporter. So thank you :)
So, like I said, I've been "dating" a sufferer for the past 6 months. It is a long distance relationship as so far that I'm quite happy with. Avoiding a long, drawn out story, she started first contact, let the conversation between us go to the usual next levels they do. I organised to meet in person rather early. We spent the first day together and everything was going perfectly. She had told me before I met her about her PTSD and explained that she has certain episodes, so I was going at her pace and following her lead. The same night I met her, she took me to bed.
I spent the next 2 weeks with her and during this time, I experienced 2 push episodes followed by a heartfelt apology a few hours later. During the push, I got the blame for every little thing that stressed her throughout the day. During the apologies, she would say things to me she doesn't blame me if I never spoke to her again. But I told her it was the fact that she had explained the issue to me beforehand and is fully aware of it being an issue that I choose to stay.
So things went on for 2 weeks. We'd sneak kisses. She'd reach out for me and tell me how much she enjoys my touch. I still was taking things at her pace and she was drawing me in closer with each day. She enjoyed my company just as much as I was enjoying hers. She didn't want me to leave, but the day came where I had to.
The first week after I left was my first real eye-opener. This is where I first heard the line, "I can't do this. You deserve better and it's not fair that I can't give as much as you put into this. I will end up hurting you, so goodbye." in a text message. Of course, I reacted quite badly and went on a downward spiral of my own. I couldn't understand why she'd initiate a relationship with me after telling me she doesn't let anyone get close to her (sexual or otherwise) and then this comes out of the blue. Again, a few hours later, the apology followed.
As the weeks and months have gone by, we've had our fair share of ups and downs. She doesn't want to be in a relationship, now she does. She tells me I don't deserve her, then she comes back to me even sweeter than before. I learned quite early that I wasn't helping by reacting to her push with anger, but to not take it personally, stay calm and give her space.
The thing is that it's usually only after I've tried suggesting that we meet again that she shuts down and pushes me away. I've only spent 2 weeks physically with her in the entire 6 months we've been together. I've tried absolutely every way of putting her stress and PTSD into consideration and work around it with her, but there's always a reason why I shouldn't do it and then it's back to "I don't want a relationship, I need to be alone".
A week ago she told me she can't help look at other couples in various situations and wish it was her and I doing it. She has also told me she can see her and I settling down together in our own place and she would like that. However in the past 2 weeks, she has pushed me away and returned to me a few hours later 3 times. The longest she has gone with zero contact is 2 days and then she returns telling me she's such an idiot and she's sorry.
The main issue for me is not the push/pull. It's not constantly being blamed during the push times for everything including things neither of us can control. It's not her pulling me back in a few hours or days later. It's not her constantly being up and down. All of that I can handle and am doing ok with it now I've worked out how to deal with it myself. I back off, give her the space she needs and she comes back to me. No stress. My main issue is in what the best and most assuring thing is to say to her when she is pushing me away. I've repeated myself so many times that when she pushes me, she adapts the argument according to what she's waiting for me to say now.
Also, approaching the subject about our next meeting. It's hard when you're being told you're being missed and wanted, so you try to get something organised and get pushed away again.
Today I told her about how I've been reading and relating to so many of the threads in here which has caused her to push away again. She said she doesn't want anyone to have to try to understand her, that I'd never understand because I've never experienced it, that feeling like she's putting me out is stressing her out, that she doesn't deserve me and she feels she's holding me back and the usual "I just need to be alone. I don't want a relationship".
So, anyway, it's just good to know we're not alone and all we've been through and going through are suffered by many sufferers and supporters alike. Sorry for this ending up so long after all.
So, like I said, I've been "dating" a sufferer for the past 6 months. It is a long distance relationship as so far that I'm quite happy with. Avoiding a long, drawn out story, she started first contact, let the conversation between us go to the usual next levels they do. I organised to meet in person rather early. We spent the first day together and everything was going perfectly. She had told me before I met her about her PTSD and explained that she has certain episodes, so I was going at her pace and following her lead. The same night I met her, she took me to bed.
I spent the next 2 weeks with her and during this time, I experienced 2 push episodes followed by a heartfelt apology a few hours later. During the push, I got the blame for every little thing that stressed her throughout the day. During the apologies, she would say things to me she doesn't blame me if I never spoke to her again. But I told her it was the fact that she had explained the issue to me beforehand and is fully aware of it being an issue that I choose to stay.
So things went on for 2 weeks. We'd sneak kisses. She'd reach out for me and tell me how much she enjoys my touch. I still was taking things at her pace and she was drawing me in closer with each day. She enjoyed my company just as much as I was enjoying hers. She didn't want me to leave, but the day came where I had to.
The first week after I left was my first real eye-opener. This is where I first heard the line, "I can't do this. You deserve better and it's not fair that I can't give as much as you put into this. I will end up hurting you, so goodbye." in a text message. Of course, I reacted quite badly and went on a downward spiral of my own. I couldn't understand why she'd initiate a relationship with me after telling me she doesn't let anyone get close to her (sexual or otherwise) and then this comes out of the blue. Again, a few hours later, the apology followed.
As the weeks and months have gone by, we've had our fair share of ups and downs. She doesn't want to be in a relationship, now she does. She tells me I don't deserve her, then she comes back to me even sweeter than before. I learned quite early that I wasn't helping by reacting to her push with anger, but to not take it personally, stay calm and give her space.
The thing is that it's usually only after I've tried suggesting that we meet again that she shuts down and pushes me away. I've only spent 2 weeks physically with her in the entire 6 months we've been together. I've tried absolutely every way of putting her stress and PTSD into consideration and work around it with her, but there's always a reason why I shouldn't do it and then it's back to "I don't want a relationship, I need to be alone".
A week ago she told me she can't help look at other couples in various situations and wish it was her and I doing it. She has also told me she can see her and I settling down together in our own place and she would like that. However in the past 2 weeks, she has pushed me away and returned to me a few hours later 3 times. The longest she has gone with zero contact is 2 days and then she returns telling me she's such an idiot and she's sorry.
The main issue for me is not the push/pull. It's not constantly being blamed during the push times for everything including things neither of us can control. It's not her pulling me back in a few hours or days later. It's not her constantly being up and down. All of that I can handle and am doing ok with it now I've worked out how to deal with it myself. I back off, give her the space she needs and she comes back to me. No stress. My main issue is in what the best and most assuring thing is to say to her when she is pushing me away. I've repeated myself so many times that when she pushes me, she adapts the argument according to what she's waiting for me to say now.
Also, approaching the subject about our next meeting. It's hard when you're being told you're being missed and wanted, so you try to get something organised and get pushed away again.
Today I told her about how I've been reading and relating to so many of the threads in here which has caused her to push away again. She said she doesn't want anyone to have to try to understand her, that I'd never understand because I've never experienced it, that feeling like she's putting me out is stressing her out, that she doesn't deserve me and she feels she's holding me back and the usual "I just need to be alone. I don't want a relationship".
So, anyway, it's just good to know we're not alone and all we've been through and going through are suffered by many sufferers and supporters alike. Sorry for this ending up so long after all.
