Death The Five Stages Of Grief

[anthony]

The stages are statistically valid, zero doubt about it. We're talking 98% positive, that a person will move through those stages with death, whether a loved one, friend or themselves.

Often a person can start at bargaining when a loved one is diagnosed to die. They prey and come up with all sorts of methods to try and stop it happening, in their mind, none of which will actually change a thing. This also shows in people forcing another to try experimental treatments and such, even though the dying don't want to.

The order is the rule, but the order does change depending on circumstance. It is a very rare exception that a person won't travel through all stages though. I have witnessed some move through them all in under an hour. Depression is a mood, and can be minutes only, then acceptance and reality. I have also seen people move through them in different orders, along with some moving through them over years.

It would be the exception, not the rule, to not move through them all... the issue is more whether the specifics are recognisable or not, though the person travels through a stage.

 

[Kintsugi]

@anthony can the anger be self-directed, or directed at the dead person?

I blame myself for Bill's death sometimes. But then of course I overwhelmingly blame him. Because. You know. Suicide.

I have never blamed anyone else.

Looking at this list, I'm tempted to say I went straight from denial to depression. Sometimes I think I'm still just in denial.

 

[digger]

I see this in most people with severe trauma, let alone death

I think, I read something once, that said that five stages of grief model, while now most commonly associated with the bereaved, was originally used to describe the stages seen in terminally ill patients, rather than the bereaved, in coming to terms with facing their own deaths. So perhaps not so surprising that similar stages are seen in those with trauma experience.

Can't remember the original article I read on it, but this explains it a bit http://www.cliffsnotes.com/sciences...death-and-dying/the-stages-of-dying-and-death

 

[anthony]

Anger is just anger... direction is irrelevant. I believe the point is at some stage you will be angry about the death.

 

[TXbandit]

I have the hardest time with acceptance. Today I will be burning a goodbye letter to my brother. I hope this will help me accept that he is gone. I've been carrying the guilt and holding on to him for over a year now. Hopefully today the weight will be lifted.

 

[SeanCharles]

@TXbandit Of the five stages, guilt can be one of the harder stages. Even though guilt can feel real, there are actually two types of guilt. The first type is realistic, that kind of guilt can be difficult to deal with since it's cause is/are actions, deeds or otherwise hurts your directly responsible for. Then on the other side, the other kind of guilt, this I experienced myself with Sheba's loss, is unrealistic or unreal guilt. This kind of guilt feels real, however this has no basis, because unrealistically it's cause is by actions, deeds or otherwise actions that in my case for example, I had no control over. (In my case my unreal guilt was not finding her sooner or calling the vet sooner.) As this was unreal guilt, I was able to let go of that guilt and feel myself move to acceptance.

Being able to work through guilt requires identification. If it's realistic guilt, then you need to seek self-forgiveness if you are the cause. If it's unreal guilt then realize that you had no control of the situation and release the guilt. (I hope I am not preaching here.)

---SeanGeo

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I have found...as I've dealt with multiple deaths...that the stages of grief can happen in a 'zig-zag' manner. Some days we think we have progressed, other days, we've gone backwards. Sometimes, even years later, some of the stages come back, and have to be 're-done' though in a less profound way. I have found acceptance for the most part, most of the time. But, the holidays, which contain the anniversary dates of all the deaths I deal with, tend to bring up different stages depending on which death is affecting me.

 

[LeMoineau]

Thank you for posting this.
I have come to realize that, sometimes I skip stages when dealing with a death of a friend, family member, stranger, etc.
With the death of my birth mother I headed straight to acceptance. When I witnessed the death of a stranger I went to immediate depression

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I do think that for some people, who find themselves going back and forth, or when multiple traumas happen close together, we HAVE to reach out for help!

 

[TXbandit]

Thank you for your reply, @SeanGeo. I had avoided this thread all together for so long. Just came back to it and saw your reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Means so much to me.

 

[Lionheart]

December 21st will be 3 years that my father has been dead and gone. I have accepted it, but it does not mean the pain of loss is any less. It still hurts, I still miss him and I probably always will, but I believe I have moved through all five stages of grief.

I am sad that lung cancer took my father's life and that he didn't think that his family loved him...that still sucks big time, because we loved him very much. What we couldn't deal with was living in the same household with him because he was a practicing alcoholic, but be that as it may I have accepted that he is gone and that I will never get to enjoy his laugh or see his smile again.

I am guessing that this is pretty normal even after acceptance has set in. I accept it...I just don't like it much!!!

 

[GabrielleGrace]

The big problem with listing these stages is that it gives the impression that acceptance is the final stage when those of us who have grieved the loss of a loved one know it doesn't end there. We then get ignorant advice to "let it go" or "move on" when we still feel pain years after the loved one has died. These stages don't explain where pain of loss fits into the grief.

I think a better why to explain what happens during grief of a loved one is that the initial severing of an emotional connection leads to shock and numbness. You feel numbness to prevent the pain from being overwhelming. After some healing happens, the numbness starts to lesson and the pain can actually feel worse.

Processing the pain involves feeling the pain, allowing it to hurt and crying. At first, you feel it and cry constantly. Over time, your pain can sink down and you can function for a period of time without crying. Each time it comes to the surface, you feel it and cry, a little more of it heals. This process of surfacing, feeling, and crying happens continually for years and years. This is the real final stage of grief. Grieving the loss of a loved one happens over a lifetime. Crying actually helps you process the painful emotions you feel.

I found articles online that explain this process but this site won't let me post links.

Try psychologytoday and "recovering trauma" and answersingenesis "the miracle of tears."

My mother died from suicide when I was 13, and I've gone through periods of grieving, healing and retriggered grief throughout my life. Motherless Daughters explained that the loss is continual so the grief is continual. I really grieved when I went through my divorce, for example, because she wasn't there for me when I went through that. Your loss doesn't end at the funeral. The Five Stages Of Grief seems to just cause other people to not understand that processing emotional pain takes years and years. Every time I cried, it hurt a little less. But I still get a little sad at holidays and Mother's Day.