The grief that comes from trauma

[talon]

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.” - C.S. Lewis

I am struggling with grief related to trauma and all that I have lost because of trauma. People, things, jobs, etc. When I’m at therapy, I can feel the grief. It reminds me of throwing up - I hate feeling it, but afterward, I feel better.

Elsewhere, grief feels like this huge heavy weight that simply stops me in my tracks and shuts me down.. If anything, I go into fix-all-the-feelings-and-endure-all-the-things mode. I don’t really feel or work through the grief.

I have a really distinct memory of feeling a ton of grief in this one horrible moment where I was utterly alone, and it was very dangerous. Ever since then, I have handled grief like it’s a dragon I need to slay.

That’s not working for me.

I have plenty of skills to cope - but I can’t figure out how to let grief exist and how to work it through.

Its so easy to give advice never as easy to receive it . That applies to everyone. I have come to accept that i cannot change the past . I have also gone through the stage of wanting revenge for the hurt but now i understand that the best revenge is to get better. We cannot heal if we allow our abusers to remain in charge of our thoughts, feelings and emotions. So i remind myself yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery all we have is today and today is a gift and that is why we call it the present .Yesterday and tomorrow are the two days we cannot do much about except to say tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of my life and i am not going to allow the past to intrude on my future happiness i am a survivor not a victim

 

[Deanna]

My whole life has been trauma ridden. So, some days, I stay in bed all day on the verge of a migraine.

 

[Justmehere]

I think a small aspect of grief can feel tiny bit of what honor or justice can feel like for me. When something or someone good is lost, there is an element in which going through the process of grief is perhaps honoring what is good. It is a way to rebel against the dark and say, no, that. mattered.

Still matters.

When a well liked elderly family member of mine died, everyone dragged their feet with any kind of funeral. I said screw it, and held a memorial BBQ, and invited anyone and everyone who knew her to come. I told people memorial services are for the living. They help us work it through. I think it’s a way where people declare with each other that life and goodness matters. We did a few things to honor her life and us as a family. It was a bright spot in an otherwise screwed up family history. It didn’t resolve the grief for me, that’s still there, but it’s very different to ride those waves of grief.

The kind of grief that comes from trauma- be it loss of life, dignity, jobs, relationship, all the things that should have been... that tends to get a lot more stuck for me.

Grief is the anger, the numbness, the fury, the despair, the shattering and the breaking... I think grief also includes all whatever it is that’s is honoring of the good.

 

[Teasel]

I've definitely noticed a difference in the quality of grief. Sometimes it's a clean, somehow more resolved pain. Sometimes it's not.

 

[Empty Shell]

I have been grieving really, really hard for a few weeks. I started grieving over one specific trauma-related thing and it kind of turned into a tsunmai of grief over everything I've endured in life and everything that I haven't gotten.

I'm not sure how to post/reply, I do my best. SRG, are you saying it gets better? My grief, anger, sadness - someday's I think of driving to the mountains, leave the car some random place, and walking into the forest. Just keep walking. I wouldn't take provisions, it's so cold I would just go to sleep. I don't know how I'm getting through some of my days. I get nothing done, just cry. Does it really get better? It's been a lifetime - starting at 5 and all through my life. 58 years. I just turned 63. I never thought I would live past 39 for whatever reason.

 

[somerandomguy]

It really does get better IF - and note the IF - you let yourself feel it, grieve, and work through it in its own time.

Since I wrote the above, I have been feeling less sad and more accepting of my life. I think I will always carry some sorrow for what happened, and what DIDN'T happen. But now it's manageable.

Please don't walk into the forest alone. There are lots of people who can help you through this grieving process. A trusted therapist, friends, the folks here on this message board can all be part of helping you through your grief and then out the other side.

 

[Rani G2]

That’s not working for me.

I have plenty of skills to cope - but I can’t figure out how to let grief exist and how to work it through.

Useful views have been put in here.. No useful advice from me, and I wish there was an easier way (I do want to be naive right now) to deal with the grief package. G.R.I.E.F is labeled, well packed, in a safe, somewhere in my consciousness. Still after so many therapy sessions it always feel like weakness. I was born in an Asian country where woman are usually treated as less worth, so always and never show how breakable you are.. was my attitude. It’s not about the show, how Do you internally learn to let those emotions be?

 

[pamcoco]

GREAT POST and thanks to all for such amazing insights and reveals.

So much disappointment, inconvenient truths, so many friends/family gone.... it was the being forced to open my eyes, in order to survive, that not only crushed me, but also remains one of the most defining differences between me and the "normies". They possess a luxury I lost, being able to remain in denial.

About 2 years ago I caved and re-established a relationship with a few family members that were at point zero of destroying my broader support. Luckily, keeping the stakes high seems to be the universe's way of keeping my honest.

My father, now 85, has been losing his sharpness and I told myself to mend things before he died. As soon as we began speaking, he became obsessed with the increasing value of my home. I rent this home in order to keep afloat and almost lost it to foreclosure 4 times during my exile.

He then, out of the blue, "gave" me money to help with my overwhelming health issues...

Before I knew it, he was arranging a "refi" of my home to 800k, so I can pay him back. WTH? Mind you, my father has a few million in assets and refuses to complete even a will, let alone a trust. But his dying wish seems to be to take as much money away from me as possible, to add it to his estate that will be lost/tied up in probate upon his death.

At first I went to grief again, feeling targeted and dreaming of the family I never will have. Then I realized my foolishness in becoming involved with a man that has proven time and time again to not have my best interest in mind.

Grief evaporated and freedom swelled.

There is a part of me that loves the freedom of ptsd. Already deemed krazy, I don't have to follow all the rules or the high road. I have nothing to prove. I spent years in the depths of ptsd, completely isolated and alone, taking every opportunity to try to explain myself and convince them of my truth. To my horror, I never moved them one inch.

Upon my T's insistence I have limited my contact with my family again and informed my homeowners loan company that I do not approve of any refi loans and if one comes in, it is fraud.

Bye again, family!

 

[Freida]

The kind of grief that comes from trauma- be it loss of life, dignity, jobs, relationship, all the things that should have been... that tends to get a lot more stuck for me.
Grief is the anger, the numbness, the fury, the despair, the shattering and the breaking... I think grief also includes all whatever it is that’s is honoring of the good.

It really does get better IF - and note the IF - you let yourself feel it, grieve, and work through it in its own time.

I'm going to put this here and bookmark it - because I know some day it's going to be an issue for me and it will be nice to come back to

 

[oakleaves]

I haven't read through all of this but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings and neither are you alone as you work through them. I am sure you've heard the term 'urge surfing'. I try to use that when dealing with difficult feelings. They ebb and flow and settle and then return again. It isn't an answer but it sometimes helps. Grief is nowhere near where I am (I still blame myself, still feel responsible etc etc) but I do feel grief in relation to the years I lost through an eating disorder. It is so difficult. But you are not alone.

 

[Mach123]

The therapist brought this up today and said the picture of me that we have been working with from when I was 18 was all about grief and she said I was not avoiding it like I thought but I was living it. IDK how I feel about that but I know I bob and weave a lot when we are talking because there are feelings I avoid. I thought it was grief. I know if she says "can you grieve for him" I do something to avoid it. I don't know what I do, but I can feel it. I've been doing that a long time.

 

[katz]

I know that I need to grieve. But, I can't find the feelings to do so. The last time I let myself "thru", I upset myself so badly that it put me in the hospital. I don't want to go back. It was horrifying. Now, I have to face one of the most stressful times ever. My mother is in hospice as of yesterday. I know that she will not make it to new years - maybe not even Christmas.

The holidays are usually stressful anyways, but this is going to be the hardest, both for me and the whole family. The stress and pain I feel for mom is enough. Now I know that the whole family will be "keeping an eye" on me to see if I break down and need to be hauled off to the hospital again. I am much older now, so I'm hoping I'll be ok this time. I'm also very nervous about my new "in-law" family seeing me like this.

I know that I want to mourn my mom, I'm just too afraid to do it - much yet in front of everyone. I'm too afraid that I will lose it. Does all this make any sense?? Is it normal to have to hold all this emotion in?? Or not have control of it, if it comes out? I'm very scared.