Firefly1234
New Here
Hi everyone, I'm brand new to this site so please bare with me and I apologise if I do anything wrong, I'm not quite sure how this all works yet.
I will try and keep my story as brief as I can, but I'm sorry its so long.
A year and a half ago, I went on a night out with a friend. This friend had gotten into drugs and had them on his person at the time. He tried to offer me them, I said no thank you. He kept pushing as he's not the kind of guy to take no as an answer, but still I just sat there sipping my glass of wine. He offered me a glass of his wine and I went to the bathroom as he found me another glass. That's the last I remember of that night. 8 months after everything happened, the individual suddenly remembered that I took a strong painkiller that night when confronting him in person about this, before they then later spiked my alcoholic drink with some other drugs they had at the time (the initial story as to how I/we got spiked changed every time I tried to get answers from the individuals involved, but they've basically admitted since that this was down to them when confronting them in person). Anyways, by the time I got to town and came across other people I knew, apparently I was erratic, wild, on another planet. The complete extreme from my usual norm. My situation is further complicated by the fact I was acting very carefree and made out with a few people (I'm in a relationship). Later that night, somewhere along the lines, I got sexually assaulted. I woke up the next day with zero memory of any of this, the entire night, completely confused as to why I was in non-bedtime clothes and why I felt so physically bad. I woke up with bruises, bloodied and extremely sore in regions which could only suggest one thing. I then got a phone call from this "friend" who immediately flustered on and on down the phone about how we had been spiked. I went to the police, who blamed my situation on the drugs and said I shouldn't have hung around with people who take them so it was my fault. And that's where the nightmare really began for me.
There was a good 11 hour period of my life that I couldn't remember. The nightmares, the apparent flashbacks, the social panic attacks and anxiety in crowded places. The constant looking over my shoulder. To this day I don't know whether I've created memories of my own to fill the blanks or if they are genuine flashbacks.
Anyways, 9 months down the line and things had gone from very bad to suicidal, and my guilt I harboured over my responsibility in this nearly destroyed my relationship entirely. I just felt so rotten to my core over how I had acted, how my bad decisions had lead to what happened, how he deserves someone so much better than myself.
I just can't seem to move past it. My PTSD nearly took over completely and destroyed everything I had worked for 11 months ago, my relationship, my family, my career. And then I got better, moved forward. A steady but slightly wobbly incline to getting my life back. And I did.
But now I've completely relapsed. I can't stop thinking about that night, the what if's, the could haves, the should haves. My anxiety is so bad I have the shakes throughout most the day and I've gotten down to one meal a day from the nausea its causing. I'm constantly crying and can't focus on anything other than that night, the guilt, the shame, the nightmares. I still have issues with the assault itself. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve to be happy or look after myself as looking good is not safe, I will ask for further harm if I take care of my appearance. Anything remotely provocative (i.e. a cheesy R&B song on the radio, flirting in a film, trying on new underwear) it all makes me feel dirty and horrible and that I asked for what happened to me. I don't know if that will make sense to anyone though.
For me, logically the biggest problem I should probably have should be my issues with the assault. This isn't the case. Although there is a lot which still needs fixing with regards to this, because I love my partner way more than I do myself right now, my focus is on him and the guilt and shame I feel that I've done towards him, and not the harm done to myself. I hope I offend no one by saying that, that is simply the way my PTSD is working at the moment.
My question after all that rant (apologies) is, how do you deal with the guilt from your PTSD? Have you ever managed to defeat the mentality itself, forgive yourself and look at it objectively like everyone else seems to be able to do? I've told everyone my story, holding my hands up to every detail. Yet everyones forgiven me, they say I hold no blame in what happened to me but I just can't move past it. I can't do it. :(
I will try and keep my story as brief as I can, but I'm sorry its so long.
A year and a half ago, I went on a night out with a friend. This friend had gotten into drugs and had them on his person at the time. He tried to offer me them, I said no thank you. He kept pushing as he's not the kind of guy to take no as an answer, but still I just sat there sipping my glass of wine. He offered me a glass of his wine and I went to the bathroom as he found me another glass. That's the last I remember of that night. 8 months after everything happened, the individual suddenly remembered that I took a strong painkiller that night when confronting him in person about this, before they then later spiked my alcoholic drink with some other drugs they had at the time (the initial story as to how I/we got spiked changed every time I tried to get answers from the individuals involved, but they've basically admitted since that this was down to them when confronting them in person). Anyways, by the time I got to town and came across other people I knew, apparently I was erratic, wild, on another planet. The complete extreme from my usual norm. My situation is further complicated by the fact I was acting very carefree and made out with a few people (I'm in a relationship). Later that night, somewhere along the lines, I got sexually assaulted. I woke up the next day with zero memory of any of this, the entire night, completely confused as to why I was in non-bedtime clothes and why I felt so physically bad. I woke up with bruises, bloodied and extremely sore in regions which could only suggest one thing. I then got a phone call from this "friend" who immediately flustered on and on down the phone about how we had been spiked. I went to the police, who blamed my situation on the drugs and said I shouldn't have hung around with people who take them so it was my fault. And that's where the nightmare really began for me.
There was a good 11 hour period of my life that I couldn't remember. The nightmares, the apparent flashbacks, the social panic attacks and anxiety in crowded places. The constant looking over my shoulder. To this day I don't know whether I've created memories of my own to fill the blanks or if they are genuine flashbacks.
Anyways, 9 months down the line and things had gone from very bad to suicidal, and my guilt I harboured over my responsibility in this nearly destroyed my relationship entirely. I just felt so rotten to my core over how I had acted, how my bad decisions had lead to what happened, how he deserves someone so much better than myself.
I just can't seem to move past it. My PTSD nearly took over completely and destroyed everything I had worked for 11 months ago, my relationship, my family, my career. And then I got better, moved forward. A steady but slightly wobbly incline to getting my life back. And I did.
But now I've completely relapsed. I can't stop thinking about that night, the what if's, the could haves, the should haves. My anxiety is so bad I have the shakes throughout most the day and I've gotten down to one meal a day from the nausea its causing. I'm constantly crying and can't focus on anything other than that night, the guilt, the shame, the nightmares. I still have issues with the assault itself. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve to be happy or look after myself as looking good is not safe, I will ask for further harm if I take care of my appearance. Anything remotely provocative (i.e. a cheesy R&B song on the radio, flirting in a film, trying on new underwear) it all makes me feel dirty and horrible and that I asked for what happened to me. I don't know if that will make sense to anyone though.
For me, logically the biggest problem I should probably have should be my issues with the assault. This isn't the case. Although there is a lot which still needs fixing with regards to this, because I love my partner way more than I do myself right now, my focus is on him and the guilt and shame I feel that I've done towards him, and not the harm done to myself. I hope I offend no one by saying that, that is simply the way my PTSD is working at the moment.
My question after all that rant (apologies) is, how do you deal with the guilt from your PTSD? Have you ever managed to defeat the mentality itself, forgive yourself and look at it objectively like everyone else seems to be able to do? I've told everyone my story, holding my hands up to every detail. Yet everyones forgiven me, they say I hold no blame in what happened to me but I just can't move past it. I can't do it. :(
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