I found and read through these posts, and have been in tears the whole time.
I met my boyfriend in Sept 2009. He'd come back from Iraq in Feb. He lied to me that night, said his divorce was in process (it wasn't even initiated) and I was also divorcing at the time and was pretty upset in general. We fell in love, sorted out the lie of the first night (when I found out, weeks later, I told him he had to decide then and there and not to contact me until he filed, that I would not be the 'other woman' in anyone's life). Anyway, he told me early on he had PTSD and also childhood abuse (pretty bad) which had never been dealt with.
I stuck by him and supported him through his divorce, job loss, finding a place to live, troubles with the military, his family turning against him, financial ruin, etc. At one point, he reconciled with his soon to be ex wife behind my back, for 3 months, before I found out. Very good liar, very skilled. Which I have to think has a lot to do with having to survive his childhood.
We had an intense, passionate relationship for over 2.5 years. He would have PTSD outbursts, which were hard, but I really thought that was the nature of it - surviving the flare-ups. He was not getting any formal help, other than an appointment every 4 months or so. A year ago, he started to become very cold, remote, angry, and mean. He'd always adored me, we were so very close, talked about getting married from the first month we met. I was 'it', everything to him. And I gave SO much to him, saw his through so much, was his stalwart supporter. So the change in behavior toward me was devastating. He lied all the time, would stand me up, blow me off, not call, ignore me--- and my reaction was not good. Over the course of the year, I became needy and depressed and convinced he was cheating. And I begged him to explain why, why, why. And he simply became meaner and more cruel. Needless to say, my pressuring him just to talk/problem-solve drove him further away. And he finally left because I pushed him to a breaking point. I had NO idea this was all PTSD, and I am not sure why things changed so suddenly, except that my situation changed (there were times prior to one year ago where we'd be apart for several days at a time, regularly - I'm beginning to see that although he would hate those times, he actually likely NEEDED them). Suddenly, a year ago, we could be together all the time. That's when the leaving and fight-picking and lying escalated.
So, now he has been gone since mid-April. And at that point? I was done being treated so badly. His friends then pressured me to take him back as he was suicidal. I did, and it lasted 5 days before he was in a full-blown PTSD episode, cursing and screaming at me, throwing things, etc., for two days until he left again. I've seen him once since then. In the interim, he's sought REAL help and is now in regular treatment. He told me a couple weeks ago that the reason for all the horrible treatment over the past year was PTSD.
He told me he loved me, missed me, wanted to get back together, but had to take it slow since I'd triggered him so badly. Then he abruptly quit communicating and blew me and my kids off on his birthday last weekend. I hadn't wanted him to spend his birthday alone, even though I was scared to death of what it would do to me to see him. He said he really wanted to see me and my kids and would really like to come over -- and then he blew us off (and lied to his friends, telling them I blew HIM off. When I got mad and texted him telling him so, one of his friends took his phone and ripped me apart.)
Now he's not talking to me at all. I've told him I'm not mad, I'm just really sad that our relationship has come to this. We always talked about how we were meant to be together, we were soulmates, etc. The pain of losing all our future plans and this relationship and the person I used to know and love has been horrible and overwhelming. I don't see much hope. I've told him I'm very sorry for my detrimental reactions to him over the past year, but I BEGGED him to get help for his childhood trauma and the PTSD and he would always refuse, so who knew what was really going on.
I'm worried that because I triggered him so badly and pushed him to a breaking point, there really is no hope for our future. And frankly, I'm not sure that a future is even possible because of all his other unresolved issues stemming from his childhood (he needs a lot of attention from other women - on Facebook, on LinkedIn - other people comment on his being an attention whore). And he's insisting we'd have to look into having a baby (we're both in our mid-late 40s) and that it's a dealbreaker. For many reasons (our ages, his mental health, lack of funds to pay a surrogate and the unlikelihood we'd be able to adopt) this seems completely unfeasible and a completely unreasonable thing to insist on. He said it two weeks ago, in a midnight voice mail while he was drunk (and driving, as he often does). But I know he means it.
I rambling on here because it takes everything I have to NOT call him on a daily basis or text him asking him to pleasepleaseplease come back. I know I cannot take the bad treatment. After what he did last weekend? I see that that would be my life - being disrespected and lied about and having to suck it up because he has PTSD and I made him worse and he blames me. I know I cannot go along with the baby thing and that sooner or later he'd leave me to go have one the old-fashioned way with a younger woman. I have no idea, after getting mad at him last weekend, if he even wants to be with me. I don't know anything -- he's silent. He still has a lot of stuff at my house, I see it and it reminds me daily of my loss.
Still, every day I cry. My friends are worried about me and really don't understand. They tell me I need to look at who he is NOW and forget about who he was THEN, and to remember all the ongoing issues and not just the great times we had. It's so freaking hard. When will this pain go away??
