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The healing can begin... i think i am almost at a point of building structures now...

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So I am still doing things and doing things. I am stepping up to the plate and now things are starting to crystallise a bit more each day. It is a LOT of hard work, but well worth it.

I am looking at these books again David Burns, Tara Brach, Marsha Linehan etc

A new book I have been reading is "Overcoming Worry and Generalised Anxiety Disorder", 2nd Edition by Kevin Meares and Mark Freeston. Most people might know this stuff but I am still learning about it.

I am also listening to "The Mindful Way Through Depression" once again, and for me it is the book that keeps on giving - I just keep getting so much out of it.

The structures and the routines are in my life a bit more now and I am making distinct changes at this time.

I am able to emotionally regulate myself for periods of time. My supervising teacher said my behavioural management was perfect today - I was strict, I set boundaries, but then I didn't harp on. I kept going on with the lesson. So I am getting solid feedback.

There is a lot more to the structures building than this but this is all I have time for at the moment. I went swimming and now I need to go for a walk and then get four or five hours work done tonight.
 
Now I am having this thought that I can say no, and I don't have to come from a place of corrosive self doubt. I am good enough. Things will work out as well. It will work out. I am not at home with my parents anymore.

I never learnt anything but be attacked, lashed out at and then abandonment (or attack, lash out and then abandonment or check out) so I am unlearning this now. I am trying to just stay with it.
 
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This really speaks to me; especially the part about missing out on the development that should hav...
I know, that is the place that I am in too, calming those loud symptoms, caring about myself while being surrounded by predators everywhere I look. Whenever I notice that a small part of my brain is working as it should I get very excited and as soon as I have that realization my stalkers try to destroy that.

But then a stalker attempts to destroy everything that a victim holds dear. They attempt to make the victim look like they do not like people. Oh yeah, I do like people, the good people, the people who really have a life, that are honest people, remarkable people. I just don't like absolute loosers who try to use and abuse others, that does not mean that I do not like people.

Then they try to tell the victim they hate kids, animals, the like. I love kids, but certainly not the high strung spoiled and many times amazingly aggressive kids.
 
@Freedomfighter - you have to be in a safe space to really, truly begin to heal. Good luck in creating that for yourself. It took me quite a few decades.

I am doing the routines.
Two Birthdays this morning.
Welcomes going well.
Mindfulness.
Turned up and did what had to be done.
I got some of my writing done at school. I realised that I had answered a question incorrectly.
Disputing distorted cognitions.
Practicing Self Compassion Breaks regularly
Doing some Radical Acceptance.
Being more present in my body.
Learning how to be honest and not dissociate from fear of retribution.
Working on it.
 
Hey a radical thing - things will mostly work out okay. I am starting to get hold of this now - it will be okay - no will be horrendously raped or abused if I get it wrong - if I stuff up I can make amends - so that is a different mindset and I think it will help in my next part of working on my healing. It is a new structure that will be quite helpful when I set it up - feel it happening.
 
Thanks for cheering me on @Lola Nocheprieta

I have better routines as well. Mindfulness routines. Exercise routines. Better eating routines. Eating needs work but is better. I am more present with it. I need to improve shopping and cooking routines. Sleep is still a challenge with the nightmares, waking up, waking up having panic attacks, but it is slowly improving as well. I need to be better with my routines with sleep but I find that really challenging at times. I have social routines. I have social events I attend as a routine. I have routines of contact. I am getting better at building in that I disappear at times with being busy, so I don't lose the friendships. I am still highly socially avoidant at times, but often I push through and make myself go no matter what. I have added study routines which went well last year - not doing so well this year. Actually with my Mindfulness Training I am doing well with that.
 
Somatisation has been a big issue for me, and that is starting to resolve. The hip in my pain is totally different and not so debilitating. I have done so much work on this. I had to heal that actually problem in my hip - and I have been doing my exercises religiously and going to physio but it was more than that - the terror of my childhood could only be expressed through being ill, and so I was ill a lot and very distressed by body sensations. So that is a lot of hard work paying off as well. It has taken so much time to do all the things that I needed to do to deal with my somatisation.
 
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