The Heart Of The Matter

[intothelight]

I am starting this thread with a lot of trepidation, as I do not have any "formal" anything to support this opinion, other than personal experience and observation. As usual, I am questioning myself to death, but here it goes.

I joined this site a little over a year ago, because I had insomnia, anxiety, racing thoughts, was self-harming and suicidal. Based upon my history and my symptoms, the diagnosis of PTSD was given. I have sought treatment and learned to manage the symptoms, as have others here. But in all honesty, there was something bigger that was the problem.

It lies at the heart of how I feel/felt about myself. The feelings of being broken, a waste of air, not having a sense of self, a failure, hating who I think I am and how others see me. In all honesty, this is what drives my self-destructive behavior, this is what limits my ability to engage in healthy relationship, this is what keeps me from processing the trauma effectively, it is what holds me back in recovering. To me it is the core, the source, or the heart of the matter.

I read the same things in the posts and diaries of others. It was things that damaged our hearts and souls that hurt the most. These are the wounds I feel caused the most damage and are the most difficult to recover from. So for me, from now on this is where I focus my recovery. I can live with being anxious, depressed, startling etc. But I cannot really live feeling like I am a waste of space or a human apology.

For me, I think the key to recovery (basically to life) is acceptance of who I am. It is through this Forum and the eyes of others, that I began to "see" myself. For that I am eternally grateful. It really hasn't been the "medical professionals" that have helped me the most, it has been all of you.

 

[amethist]

To us here Deb you are you.

I really dont know how to explain that in more words, but here goes.

You are the one who jumps in and helps with multiple edits.

You are the one who posts very welcoming posts to new members, putting their minds at rest, that we are all here for the same reason.

You are always there with a thoughtful post to those in need.

You have more confidence than you give yourself credit for.

This is what I see in you. There will be so much more, but this glass screen traps so much of it. :rolleyes:

 

[intothelight]

(((Amethist)))

Thank you! This means more than you know.

Deb

 

[Tinyflame]

You are likely (very) right Deb.

My 'choice' in finding (and using) this forum was how I felt after a specific triggering event, and it was very accidental I found it (the forum), but needless to say when one feels as though they don't deserve to be on the planet it's hard to deal with trauma(s)- past or present, or cope or self-actualize.

But funny (not 'haha')- I wouldn't change one charcteristic of 'you' if I could, because just as you are is wonderful, beautiful, kind, thoughtful, honest, intelligent, giving, strong, and loaded with integrity.
You are a gift not a waste of space- ever.
'Thank you' for you. :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Deb))))

The courage you summon to face the truly hard, ugly parts of this psychological injury has been a tremendous source of healing and example for me.

*Linking Arms*

 

[Nicolette]

Deb we value your presence here along with your contributions both as a member and an Editor. You support others, you bare your soul and you work diligently on improving your own life and circumstances including that of your children.

While it saddens me to read what you feel - I see a beautiful, strong, resourceful woman who is wide open to trying anything to make a positive difference to her and her family's lives. This is admirable.

I hope you find how to let got of those thoughts which intrude your mind making you feel far less worthy than what you really are - which is priceless. :inlove: I know you have the strength and determination.... I wish for you that the answers come sooner rather than later so you find the acceptance, love and self worth that you deserve.

I believe in you and am glad to have you as part of my life (even if it is is only via a forum).

 

[anthony]

For me, I think the key to recovery (basically to life) is acceptance of who I am. It is through this Forum and the eyes of others, that I began to "see" myself.

That pretty much is the key to healing PTSD... well said.

You must first understand the problem, then you must understand the problems impact upon yourself, then you must understand yourself and who you want to become, then you must implement that change, as only YOU have that power to change, nobody, and I mean nobody else can change you, only you can change you.

 

[James B.]

It lies at the heart of how I feel/felt about myself.

A famous social science guy from the 60's wrote that he believed balanced self-esteem the root of individual health, and central to the health of society as a whole. :)

 

[Sammy]

I couldn't have said it better or agree more - with everything in this thread.