The "if" Factor

[safenow]

I'll keep away from what was and focus on what is.

Good for you. Great way to go.

 

[discarded]

Safenow, I am trying so hard to take this approach. I am trying to live in the here and now and forgive myself for past mistakes and wrong choices. I have learned so much from everyone on the forum and I often hear myself saying "if only I had found the forum earlier". I didn't so I can only move on from now.

 

[Abstract]

Only look back when you are on 100% safe ground." I learned that when you look back, especially if you have PTSD, the horrors of it all might stunt your progress. That is why we have therapists to help us look back from a safe place.

Thank you for sharing this with me Safenow. I love it!! It is an important reminder.

I hope you are managing to leave the "what if's" alone.

I can't allow myself to dwell on what could have been if this or that didn't happen or if I did this or that differently. As soon as I do I drown in depressive feelings. There is a thread on here that is about if one could reset ones life to another time and just thinking about that made me feel I was sinking.

I do second guess and doubt and undermine myself and have to work hard not to. I find these things link directly to depression and suicidal feelings for me.

I love your message of acceptance and of aware planning when looking back.

 

[MissMacD]

I am a professional what-if-er and at times it gets the best of me. Therapy and time are teaching me to stop dwelling on the past and future and learning to focus on the present and be in the moment. It's a hard one to master.

Years of making make believe models of my parents to protect myself from their abuse and neglect left me in a bad place. There was nobody to do the worrying for me when I was a kid so I had to step up and protect myself. Life was unpredictable and when I didn't know where my next meal was coming from or what punishment from my tormentor I had to try to predict the next move. 'What if' became a regular thing in my life.

'What if' can be healthy in small doses, but definitely not the way I did it.

 

[Abstract]

Years of making make believe models of my parents to protect myself

I relate Missmac. I still fall in sometimes and maybe have not let some go at all.

So sorry that noone protected you.

 

[MissMacD]

You know, I can't change the past. I am however, very determined to change my future.

Thank you for your empathy and kind words.

 

[safenow]

Therapy and time are teaching me to stop dwelling on the past and future and learning to focus on the present and be in the moment. It's a hard one to master.

It is that future thing that puts me in the pits. As long as I stay in the now, I am happy and content with my life (for the most part). I can handle anything (almost) that life throws at me. The only time I fall completely to my PTSD is when I'm threatened physically.

But today, I am not looking at the future or the past. Only today, and I can handle today. Baby steps. I am surrounded by you who know what PTSD is like, and together we are lifting each other out of those pits.

 

[MagiLisu]

I have also been plagued by what ifs, especially around the bullying I encounted and also things with my ex.

I try my hardest to focus on the things I can change and the future but it's hard. There are times when I can go days without thinking about it, but then suddenly I won't be able to go an hour without obsessing about it.

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you safenow for sharing this and this is timely. :)

 

[Tanishq]

I find If's very unnerving, tricky and delusion your mind. It never helps. You could go on the whole day and night, yet you may not find to counter that If. If you further go and that will throw you in couldology and shouldology. Obviously it will make your things very tough and tough. Funny. :laugh:

Right way would be to leave it peacefully.

 

[Tanishq]

The only time I fall completely to my PTSD is when I'm threatened physically.

Same here. I do fall apart quickly when it comes to physical issues.

 

[saffy]

It goes into the painful memories and brings it into the present where the whole truth about the memory comes up and it takes the sting out of the memory.

I would not like that then. I don't feel I want to open up deep hidden wounds to see the fine details. All I know is that what happened affects me now. So I am going to work on the present me not the past me.

forgive myself for past mistakes and wrong choices.

I have learnt to do that, still am. I believe that what happened and the choices I made were because I was naive. I had no guidance to go from. I did not know they were wrong at the time. The mistakes is because I did not know better or how to do things differently. I guess it was a hard learning curve for me. When I realised I thought, yes now that I know I would never have made those mistakes but I did not so I cannot entirely blame myself for it. :)

Forgiving myself is about the hardest thing I have had to do. But now I know that I am a better person I can only kick/blame myself if I make the same mistakes again. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)