The Impact Of Childhood Sexual Abuse On My Sexuality

[SeanCharles]

Incidentally Both the male and the female were high school classmates. (The specifics of how I came into the care of these two I do mention in my public Diary somewhat. I am thankful in many ways that this thread has not triggered me. This thread has actually gotten me to look at my first trauma(s) I almost can break it into two. From the start it was initiated by the male, then when the male was for whatever reason (I suspect drug related) was unavailable, the female took his place. I suspect she was 'stoned' even though she didn't smoke around me. I know while she was at the house she had eaten quite a bit.

I have question: Does anyone else feel that when they are in a downward spiral, their outer appearance is the first sign that something is going on? With my job, I know this was a factor when the stress/anxiety/PTSD/ virtually all emotional tied and negative feelings of unappreciated/under appreciated feelings took hold.

Now with my situation my appearance is monitored and I more aware of this issue because of my job.

 

[broken brain]

@Geordie I've gotten really good with painting on a pretty face and pretending all is well. The days I look my 'best' are usually the days I feel my worst. If people around me perceive me as this strong and put together woman, no one has to know that I am drowning on the inside.

But when I tell people I'm not doing well (including my boss) I often feel like I'm under a microscope- and that feels awful.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Bedbug I'm so glad you posted this! I have much to share but it is midnight where I am and I am exhausted from houseguests. Short version...as you know, I don't know if I was sexually abused but I have intuitions and fragments. I do know that gender issues have been a big deal for me my whole life and a major source of conflict and confusion between me and my parents when I was very young. I was a total tomboy and identified as a boy--even "changed" my name until my mother basically put a stop to it when I was around 9. Puberty was humiliating and shameful and horrifying for me. Then, by high school, things changed. Today, on the gender spectrum I fall somewhere around androgynous maybe skewed toward the male in general orientation, but I identify and dress as female for the most part. For a long time I have been convinced that I'm stuck with the wrong body. So, yet again, we share much in common :)

I will write more tomorrow. (Of course I will. I always seem to have more to say).

 

[billie]

I was attacked by both sexes for a extended period of time as a child. I am attracted to women, but I have no evidence to support my traumas to my sexuality as I am yet to understand the full impact it has on me. I still dont understand myself and who I am.

 

[franciemarnie]

I too am too pooped to pop, but wanted to just say tonight that one result of the trauma for me both sexually and physically in general was that I was literally numb - I mean physically numb - most all my life.

So in sexual situations, I had the bizarre experience of feeling next to nothing - kind of like when you have Novocain and you know the dentist is working on something in there but it's so far removed from you, you can't really feel anything too much, but at the same time my body responded as bodies do so no one was the wiser as far as I know. They figure the proof was there to see I was feeling groovy.

But you bleed when under anesthesia or Novacained at the dentist. That just proves your body can bleed.

It's like someone disconnected the wires somewhere.

Anyhow, I have been going thru the strange process of thawing out where parts of me will literally feel like you did when you were a kid and came into a warm house after being in the freezing temps.

So who knows what the future will bring.

But without a doubt, my experience of trauma impacted my experience of sexual matters, and so much more.

 

[SeanCharles]

But when I tell people I'm not doing well (including my boss) I often feel like I'm under a microscope- and that feels awful.

Yes! I feel like I'm under a microscope lately regardless of how I am feeling. I am at times struggling with my female supervisor. I have a male supervisor who I am okay with, one other female supervisor is like a Mother Bear! (That's my nickname for her and she knows it too!) and we get along great together.

 

[franciemarnie]

@Bedbug - I veered off your topic in my comment due to fatigue and stream of consciousness.

I wanted to add two things. I wasn't numb all my life. There were some breakthru periods, but mostly - only I think - when I was able or willing to feel my emotions. The more anger and pain I had buried, the less I could feel anything, including the physical.

The more I have healed thru experiencing what I buried, the more real and 3D and whole I have felt. And that has lead me to feel my body these last ten years more and more so there have been more...er...good times - of every kind.

I am pretty much heterosexual though the person who caused the trauma was male.

I feel I have an even mix of masculine and feminine inner vibes. I definitely feel in my last life I was a guy. I have some carry over traits and movements though I look stereotypically "feminine" on the whole. I tend to dress for comfort - jeans and blazer and boots because heels and dresses aren't easy to move in though when I was in the corporate world, I did dress the part.

I don't know that the sex of my abuser had any effect on my sexuality preference. My trauma was not primarily sexual, but it was significantly related.

 

[macca]

My abuser was male, but it hasn't affected my attraction to men, perhaps mainly because I had no memory of the event. The difficulties my trauma has caused in this area has been periods of being completely averse to sexual contact, and periods of being hypersexual and totally insatiable. Even as a child, with no remembered sexual knowledge, I would stare transfixed at men's crotches, which was quite humiliating and I could not draw my attention away. It also happened sometimes in adulthood, even outside of hypersexual patches. :( One type of childhood flashbacks that I would get was of an apparition that I couldn't identify, but which would inexorably come at me and I would be terrified knowing there was no escape. I wouldn't go to the memory of that flashback, I always deliberately squashed it down, but when this latest patch of PTSD hit me, I looked at it and recognised that the apparition was of male genitalia. Seems to explain a lot.

 

[macca]

I meant to say, outside of the sexual abuse, my father made me feel women were inferior. His derogatory treatment of myself and my mother, along with his putting himself and my brothers on a pedestal (though only behind their backs, they were emotionally abused too) meant that I came to think of women as not being smart enough or good enough to do anything. Which of course automatically made me inferior. I used to want to be a guy, so I could join the Air Force as a pilot, and feel like I was worthwhile.

 

[Meadowsweet]

My abusers were male. But emotional neglect was from women.

In adulthood I have always dissociated when having sex, I've never been fully present. When I felt I had to have sex because I was in a relationship, I would go into my own head space and use my personal sexual fantasies to find some pleasure, but I wasn't aware of my partner being there.

I have been single and celibate now for about 8 years. I still sometimes have sexual fantasies, and without the complication of actual sex being involved, I can see a lot of my emotional issues in them. My fantasies include both women and men - but I'm not sure if I would actually want physical sex with either. I think I perhaps relate the attention of sex with my need to feel loved and like I matter.

 

[Bedbug]

I just wanted to quickly say a massive THANK YOU to everyone for replying to this thread so far. I have read every word (peeking out from between my fingers) and I am so grateful for your support and to know that I am not alone. I am trying to find the courage to say more, but perhaps it is not the right time. Please know that your responses, each and every one of them, have meant a great deal to me.

Thank you. :tup:

 

[Deleted member 20280]

My rapist stared abusing me when I was 9 years old and it continued until I was 13.

He was an older neighbour than me, my parents trusted his family and they use to leave me in his care most werkends.

I won't go into details as they will, I know deep down trigger some badly.

My own sexuality has not really suffered as I have been married twice and have fathered 11 pregnancies in 20 years. I am now a dad of six kids.

I have no issues with homosexualitty what so ever and some of my closest male friends are homosexual. I for myself strongly believe that what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom.

I am very broad minded but when I was cornered and fondled by another man a few years ago I will openly admit to 'flipping out'.

It is hard to say but I am heterosexual and that is just me. I have no issues whatsoever with any sexual relationship be it hetrosexual or same sex partners. I set very rigid ground rules and find myself setting strict rules.

I really hope I haven't offended anyone with my views it's just that I am in no way attracted to males and I get really jittery when cornered.

Laurie