The inheritance he left me

[captain jigglypuff]

I'm so sorry about my misunderstanding.

It’s okay. I just hate how I literally have no memories of my dad’s father other than he lived to be 94 years old. I try to remember anything about him and I get nothing and it feels numb. But I can’t really talk to anyone about this especially my dad and his sister. I’ll hear my dad happily talking about his father and I have no idea what he is talking about.

 

[Friday]

Well, he finally passed away. His inheritance is being equally distributed to me and my siblings. I can't figure out how I feel about him now. In fact, I feel nothing. The money will help pay for some debts. However, I don't seem to feel anything. No excitement. No mourning. I'm kind of lost without feelings to feel. Is there a "proper / normal" feeling that I should be having? So far, all it is to me is numbness. And indecision of what or where to go next in my healing journey...

How’s it going, a couple months in, @katz ?

Another thing I have noticed is that I feel nothing about any of my abusers. I don't feel much of anything-ever. Maybe I'm afraid to feel?

Conversely?

“The opposite of love isn’t hatred… it’s ambivalence.”

What you feel, or don’t feel, CAN be just that. With PTSD we often start second guessing when we know, intellectually, that we “should” feel XYZ. That’s a total valid sanity-check / state of the union / not a bad thing to question.

Sometimes when we question, we find more.
Other times when we question, we find… nope. Nada. In the healthiest way possible.

No idea where you’re at in the grief/rage/DGAF carnivale…. Hence the shout out; How ya doin?

 

[oliver767]

Grief doesn't always look like sadness or tears. It can feel like emptiness, confusion, or even relief depending on the relationship. The important thing is to give yourself permission to feel however you do, without judgement.