The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

I got nuthin.... Just hugs and hugs for all of you that were so badly abused and forgotten by the people who should have cared for you. I'm so very sorry :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[NatBird]

Seven was when I nearly drowned.
Seven was being physically dragged out of bed every morning, at 5.30, while it was still dark.
Having a cold shower every morning, in the dark, while another girl screamed.

Not being parented by either parents for quite a good part of the year.

I think I was 7 when I got held under water, for ages, by a boy, too.

Hanging out with other girls who would have been being sexually abused, by the pedophile head swami, who I was scared of.

Having my head shaved.

Wanting to be left at the ashram, anyway, coz, more stability and care, even when free-ranging around everyday as part of a semi-wild tribe of kids.

Being bullied by a 14 year old boy (the one who literally pulled me out of bed in the dark, freezing morning, every morning).

Watching the resident crazy, guy "Mahatma" getting publically and traumatically dunked in the well, a few times.

My mum getting with the really violent guy, Andy.

Hatching out a chicken, that became my baby, that I had to leave, in a chicken coup, when we left Queensland, and my baby possibly got pecked to death, coz it was an outsider pullet. I watched it getting attacked, but had to leave it anyway.

Getting left with people, for weeks? or months? who were not great. They gave me marihuana, to smoke, I was 7!

The woman also physically attacked my mum when my mum came back (she went up to the top end -Townsville, I think, with I-forgot-which-boyfriend, while I stayed with the mean, hippy, weirdo lady and her family.

I had a weird semi-quasi sexual thing with her son, probably coz, early (so early I don't really remember any deets) sexual abuse.

Eventually my dad came up. He left his librarian job, in Melbourne, to come get me, but suffered from those horrible heart attack-imitating panic attack(s) and had to go back to working. That was scary too.

The guy, (Andy) mum got with was really violent. He also abandoned us in the middle of nowhere once (we didn't have a home, we were "travelling"), after a fight with my mum. He came back though.

It's so sad to hear that you went through all of this. It's amazing that you are here in the way that you are. Sending support and solidarity.

 

[NatBird]

You truly are amazing considering all you have been through. I hope you have some sense of this internally and are able to draw on your innate amazingness and beauty (and I don't mean some Hollywood bs) Much love and raspect sistar

 

[Juso]

It is so difficult to accept that your parents did not care for you the way they should have cared for you. It seems like your dad was and is in no way emotionally mature and wise enough to be a responsible and protecting father, and that your mother was mentally unstable, narcissistic and also in no way skilled or empathetic enough to raise a child. I am so very sorry you were this abused, alone and terrified. It must have been a terrible world to live in.
We're here. And I am very glad that you have your guy to lean on. Do not worry too much about the fighting, if that is possible (I know its hard), because you love each other very much and I am sure you will manage to work through your issues. Even though it can be very exhausting and emotionally draining.
Many hugs!!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you dear friends! :) for the kind words @NatBird and @Juso and @Freida, thanks to @somerandomguy for the reading and liking support and being my online friend(s)[all of you! :)] and to everyone else who takes the time to read, you know who you are :).
I'm currently mega exhausted. It's been constant emotional flashback challenge with my dad being here. I've stopped hiding my broken parts with him, so much, and that's very confrontung for him, poor dada. I even let my teen out, she was very unhappy, having him here, and I let her out to have her say and cry and cry and cry. I unlocked another memory of her's, the other rape that I never registered before, as being a rape, but it was. I have the wrist scars, still.
The desolation and grief she feels is terrible! It's strong when dad is here, because she just wants to know; Why? Why did you dump me when I needed you so? And why, if, and, coz you obviously didn't and therefore, don't care about me, why do you come up, all the way up here to spend time with me now?

So I let her out to ask my dad and he actually responded really beautifully. We hugged and cried, again. He acknowledged that I've had a really hard life and I've been through hell and that I'm strong, and that I'm doing a really good job, with my kids.

He, also, basically, said he was scared, because "He was so sexually repressed". That he was worried he would be "distorted" , whatever that means. I guess it means he didn't know how, didn't have the slightest inkling how, TO respond, so he just didn't. He panicked and adandoned me, instead.

My teen part is having a really hard time with this. She doesn't want us to open us and build a relationship with him, I mean we, I, already DO have a relationship with my dad, but she is constantly fighting it.

She feels very unsafe and triggered, just having him around.
I try to tuck her away. I do. I put her to the back. I'm not really nurturing her, but when she was out, I had a bath and sobbed and sobbed and stroked my forehead.
My guy is amazing and constant support :).
Right now, he is at the big hospital, in the next town over, because my dad thinks he is having a medical emergency. Me and my guy are doubtful, but he took him in anyway. I think my dad is feeling feelings he can't distract and dissociate from, in his usual way, by constantly reading newspapers, because of his eyes being not so good, at the moment. They are not worse though, they are better than they were when he got here, and he's seen the eye specialist in brisbane twice and he's taking lots of stuff, but he was in a major panic mode and not really rational and thinks he'll be having to fly to Melbourne or be taken up to Brisbane, because "he's having a medical emergency".
Apparently some eye doctor was called in and was going to be assessing him, so they are waiting. I better call and get the latest.

Thank the entire Universe (especially the lovey bits), for my guy! :)

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry it's been so hard but it sounds like you're getting a chance to really connect with your dad. That's pretty amazing - you're pretty amazing. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Update; the eye doctor wasn't even called! But a bright, lovely young woman doc in the ED has (finally) seen him and contacted the eye doc and now my guy has to bring him back in, to the hospital, at 8 in the morning.
She's reassured him and calmed him down and they are going to be coming home soon.


On an up note, we had a beautiful night out, last night, my dad and I took my 5 beautiful and awesome children out to dinner, at our fantastic, local (the next town, the one I'm trying to get a place in) vegan restaurant, also two partners came; my middle son's girlfriend (even though he's taken off for Melbourne, his lovely gfriend hasn't gone down yet, she has some work up here, til the 24th) and my youngest daughter's new and first ever grown up bfriend, he is such a sweet and lovely guy! :) .

It was my oldest son J, my second oldest son N (autistic son) my oldest daughter (fashion designer) my second youngest son (non-binary hair stylist in training, he wore a very feminine outfit, a denim mini dress and floral tights!) and my youngest dawty (wearing a toturo onesie).

We all had a spectacular feast and good time and my dad was spinning out, because he was the patriarch of the clan, with 6 out of the 8 people there, being his direct descendants.

Spinning out in a good way, a really good way. :)

 

[mumstheword]

I'm sorry it's been so hard but it sounds like you're getting a chance to really connect with your dad. That's pretty amazing - you're pretty amazing. :hug:

Thanks SRG! :-) xoxo
I think you're pretty amazing too! Yay for us parents, plugging away, doing the best we can and working on healing, at the same time!

 

[Freida]

Wow. This was the first post I read this morning and it has set my mood for the day I think. I don't even know how to respond to all that has happened for you. The reconnecting with your dad, his acknowledgement of your childhood, your teen having a chance to come forward, your fabulous guy, and the relationship you continue to have with your kids makes me so very, very happy for you

It reminds me that there is hope waiting at the end of the journey if I'm just brave enough to continue it.

 

[mumstheword]

You are ever the considerate friend @Freida. Thanks for all your encouragement.:)

I'm just now enjoying the relief of my dad having gone home tonight.:)
It was a good visit. He left happy to have come, and satisified and grateful and relieved. He left feeling more connected with me and my guy and his grandchildren.

It was tough.

He is like a big elephant. He's clumsy, takes up a lot of room, is too oblivious of lots that happening around him, he bumbles and blunders, but none of it is malicious.

He figured out how dissociative he is, after a conversation with me about what dissociation is.

He knows I'm ok, that I love him and that he's done his best and it was good enough.

My teen has settled down a lot, since I/we talked stuff out with my dad. Letting them out to express what they need to express seems to help if we get received in a caring, understanding way; at least

I think.

 

[mumstheword]

I feel really good about how much better I feel towards my dad.
All my parts know now, that he does care about me. He's like a absentminded professor who's also a lost little boy but he's my dad, and I know, now, that I mean a lot to him.

My teen part always gets really loud whenever he is around, but she has settled down!

This is huge, because she's a very disturbed, demoralized and traumatized alter.
So I feel much less "background noise" and horrid feeling.:-)

 

[Swift]

Catching up -
You are amazing.

Also....
IDK if this helps you....

Often when I feel like my parents didn't give a shit, I start blaming myself. I start thinking I wasn't good enough, that it must have been me, that I didn't make them love me enough..

Your mum is a borderline abusive narcissistic wacko and your dad doesn't sound completely, irredeemably terrible but does sound like he's got a lot to answer for (and his head firmly up his are, but I digress.)

Your parents abandoned you, neglected you, allowed you to be abused and abused you in your mother's case.

There is nothing, nothing that justifies that. There is nothing that deserves that.

As for shagging derros.... I'd hi-five you but I kinda don't want to know where either of our hands have been :p

Abuse doesn't add up as isolated incidents. It multiplies.

I am so very, very sorry you went through all of that.

You didn't "allow yourself" to be used. People used you. A choice you can't choose, ie not being used, isn't a choice at all. If it's raining and you're stuck outside without an umbrella, you don't "allow yourself" to get wet..... It's f*cking raining.

And.... Who the f*ck are these creeps that run places where kids and vulnerable people are abused and used and tortured by other creeps? Can I end them?


It makes me really sad reading your story. A colossal sidetrack but I watched a doco called "After the Apology" last night.

If one person had been the kind of mum you are to your kids, your life would have been different. If one person had stepped the f*ck up, most of this wouldn't have happened to you. You wouldn't have twenty years of abuse and bullshit at the hands of your ex for example.

I just want to go back in time and be that person for you.