The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ILoveLife]

:) ?

 

[Freida]

7. 7 years old. You were 7.
That is just --- no words.
My little niece is 7, and I look at her and think about your life at that age and it just breaks my heart.
You deserved so much better from the adults in your life.
it makes me so sad

 

[mumstheword]

I'm sad for her too. And amazed that we made it.
Glad we are all here together.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling so sad. My dad is here and I've initiated really breakthrough, opening and real conversations. He now sees how dissociative he's always been.
I had to comfort him a lot yesterday. I'm the emotionally strong one.
Today I feel so sad, so sad for my little and my teen. My abandoned teen who thought a narcissistic, psychopathic type guy was my best option for survival.
My dad is here in the room and I'm just too overcome and in emotional flashback to talk to him. I've always had to look after both my parents, emotionally. Why do I have to be the parent figure, while they are the children?
It's weird, and sad, and wrong feeling.
My das cried yesterday after I confronted him about saying they "managed" (in regards to me) no they never managed, they abandoned, they dissociated, and in my mum's case, they abused. I comforted him and said "I survived! :)!" And "mum said I was so like you and I'm glad!" (So he'd feel better
and coz being like him was a better option than being like her).
But today I'm overcome with the sadness of my abandoned child and teen self.
I can't expose my sadness and grief to him.

I showed a bit of forthright passion yesterday, fuelled by anger I guess, but I'm too compassionate to hurt people, I had to be truthful though, coz he lives in a dissociative, dreamworld bubble and when it comes to me, I can't allow lies and coverups anymore.

 

[mumstheword]

It's definitely this angry, hurt teen part that is frightened and resentful of the neighbor. She doesn't trust other women, like at all. Of course, it's mum related.
She's way sad and mad and frightened, I'd go as far as saying she's got borderline symptoms, but those are, evidently, borderline "fleas" from my mum. This would have been.the part 'fessing up, that copped the borderline diagnosis, that time, back in 2010.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling so sad. My dad is here and I've initiated really breakthrough, opening and real conversations. He now sees how dissociative he's always been.
I had to comfort him a lot yesterday. I'm the emotionally strong one.
Today I feel so sad, so sad for my little and my teen. My abandoned teen who thought a narcissistic, psychopathic type guy was my best option for survival.
My dad is here in the room and I'm just too overcome and in emotional flashback to talk to him. I've always had to look after both my parents, emotionally. Why do I have to be the parent figure, while they are the children?
It's weird, and sad, and wrong feeling.
My das cried yesterday after I confronted him about saying they "managed" (in regards to me) no they never managed, they abandoned, they dissociated, and in my mum's case, they abused. I comforted him and said "I survived! :)!" And "mum said I was so like you and I'm glad!" (So he'd feel better and coz being like him was a better option than.being like her).
But today I'm overcome with the sadness of my abandoned child and teen self.
I can't expose my sadness and grief to him. I showed a bit of forthright passion yesterday, fuelled by anger I guess, but I'm too compassionate to hurt people, I had to be truthful though, coz he lives in a dissociative, dreamworld bubble and when.it comes to me, I can't allow lies and coverups anymore.

A update; my dad hugged me and we both cried! About my teen's sadness over neglect, trauma and getting trapped with, for all intents and purposes, a psychopath, for 20+ years.

 

[mumstheword]

My dad is very, very dissociative, a lot of the time.
It saddens me.
I'm working on helping him stop excusing and justifying my mum's narcissistic, borderliney, toxic behaviour, I don't believe it does any of us any favours.

He might be going home early, because he has an infected eye. We have to go back to brisbane tomorrow, for another appointment with an eye specialist.

My teen feels stirred up, it always gets stirred up around my parents.

I have made some inroads with my dad, but his chronic dissociation makes any ongoing connecting pretty challenging.
I guess I shouldn't get discouraged, coz we really have made some significant inroads.
I'm just so grateful my guy is here supporting me through this, because being around either of my parentals is very triggercity for me.
I'm not angry with my dad, for the most part, I'm sad for him too.

 

[mumstheword]

When I was fifteen, my dad put me in a short term psychiatric facility. I was very, very socially withdrawn, very eating disordery, self harming, It wasn't long enough though...
I can't... That's all for now.

 

[Freida]

I'm not angry with my dad, for the most part, I'm sad for him too.

oh hun.... :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you my awesome friend :-)@Freida :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

My inner teen is kicking up a mega tantrum on my inside, but outside, I'm keeping it together. It's because my dad is here.
Inner teen is most wounded. She is crying and crying and so f*cking sad. I want to cry but I can't. I want to rage, but won't.
This is that same part that was suffering from very strong s/i thr other day. She doesn't know why I should put up with anyone who hurt her and abandoned her so negligently. She thinks I'm betraying us all. So yeah, a part who is very unhappy with the system, at present.

Man, she's an unhappy brat.

I have her being cared for by Nada, my "enlightened mother aspect" I guess I'll call her, but all she wants to do is rage, and cry and scream. She won't stop and I'm thinking I might have to put up with this, at least until my dad leaves.

She's really not well behaved, at all. Lucky, I have other parts to the system, that are.

 

[mumstheword]

So during the time I was in the institution, I was cutting and starving myself and allowing myself to be sexually used, by other teen patients.

It was a short term program.

My dad was told "most likely, she has suffered sexual abuse." I knew nothing of this, nothing was said to me.

I started smoking cigarettes, while in there, to be, "one of the crew". I got involved with "the top dog" a lesbian greek girl. I wasn't that way inclined, but very starved for any kind of attention. She took me to see her Sugar daddy, who provided her with pot, for sex. He got me very drunk on vodka and persuaded me to have sex with him, I stopped half way through (I wasn't remotely attracted to him, just fifteen, very lost, very drunk and very influenceable and vulnerable) . she discovered what had happened, I was stricken with crushing guilt and I broke a glass and slashed my wrist. He was well into his late thirties or forties, I was not even sixteen yet.

I don't consider that a rape,, although,, it really was. It was statutory rape, at the very least. I wanted to go back to Tassie, coz my dad teally wasn't looking after me and I was in danger of killing myself, one way or another. I don't know why I got no treatment for the slashed wrist, I still have the scars.

My dad told me my mum didn't want me in the state (she was the one in Tassie) but somehow I was allowed to board in the capital city and go to school there? Not sure why, I was a complete mess. More shit, more predatory men, more nearly killing myself and proper actual rapes happened after that, and homelessness, no money at all, NO PARENTAL CARE???????? Why? Why? Why? Why didn't you guys care about your own daughter? I nearly died, so many times! I let so many deros f*ck me!!!! I was so full of self loathing and suicidal depression!!!! Why didn't you care, mum and dad?