The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So I'm feeling intensely and that "locked in" sense of myself, so I'm going to do what I do sometimes, write rhymes and poetry.

It's been a revelation, that I'm autistic, and that it's not been recognised, a huge source of frustration.

I NEED a resolution of some kind! It's simply time to find the validation and confirmation that I seek!

All my difficulties, the isolation, exploitation, sexual and otherwise, the negation, degradation, the being missed, as in like "not seen", not understood, talked down to, my lack of assertiveness, my intense need for things to add up, make sense; logic and truthfulness, my saving grace.

I cannot abide underhand, covert and deceptive.

Indirect is often lost on me.

People, you need to be in my face, requesting what you want from me, clearly or you will find, you are lost to my awareness of how to serve your needs!

I am immersed in my own inner world, ever learning, expressing or experiencing, so intense, just me, can be overwhelming, so imagine how your complexity and complicated needs not articulated, clearly, are perceived by me!

Sensory overload is the bane of my life and so easy to achieve!

Putting these feelings into words or actions, fascinates me, consumes me, exhausts me, confounds me, more often than not.

My thinking too simplistic or utterly complex and inexplicably difficult to articulate. My feelings sooo so intense and overwhelming!

I am, so often, a key that is tried in many locks, that never fits.

I want to find my tribe but fear that may never happen. I've tried, but this autism makes socializing so excruciatingly unnerving and add ptsd, and it's a recipe for isolation, more often than not.

I know I am loved, though, with a full heart and so many things stirring me, filling me up, it's so hard to contain ME!

But I'm odd, not easy, not cozy, not nearly or neatly contained.

Can you forgive me, include me or engage with me, on any level?

If not, that's ok, I'm learning how to roll with these clunky social punches. At least I am getting answers and inspired solutions to my existential quandries and conundrums.

 

[mumstheword]

To tell you the truth, I can't remember a lot of what my ex did to me. I know it was bad though. Not all of it, but lots of it. It was a very, very intense 20 years.
He's not the most scary psychopath that I've met. People expect all psychopaths to be overt murderer types, he's not that. I have met those though. At least one, and I've met at least three murderers.

My ex has been in jail though. For grevious bodily harm to a police officer and for drug dealing.
I didn't know any of this, at the ripe old age of sixteen, though. I thought he was interesting. He was in a band. He was the leader singer and songwriter . He crocheted. He had a peachy faced Rosella. He was handsome, in a olivey, proud American Indian high-cheek-boned kinda way.
Oh, am I not allowed to say, that he's of American Indian descent? Because they are a disadvantaged minority? Not PC of me to say? Well he is and he looks it.The point is, I thought he was very handsome. The most handsome man I had ever seen.

I was a very-alone-in-the-world teenager and he was twice my age. He didnt even bother to remember my name but he got me pregnant. That's how I got trapped.

 

[Freida]

It was a very, very intense 20 years.

This. ^^ 20 years. TWENTY YEARS!! You lived with a nutjob who tormented and abused you for 20 years. But he didn't win. He tried everything he could to break you - but he didn't. He tried everything he could to take your kids away from you, make them not love you, but he couldn't. He tried to make you as horrible as he is, but he didn't.

Do you have any idea how amazing you are?

Oh, am I not allowed to say, that he's of American Indian descent? Because they are a disadvantaged minority? Not PC of me to say? Well he is and he looks it.

It's perfectly ok to identify someone by their heritage if it is part of a description. It's only an issue if you use their heritage as the reason they behave the way they do or generalize...

yes....
he is a very handsome American Indian man (describes his features)

no..
He drinks because he is an American Indian man (generalizes a group)
:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I wouldn't say racist stuff though. I've met lovely Native American people. Even he has not-all bad traits. I care about him. I don't trust him or like him anymore, but I care about him, because he is the father of my beautiful children. I, kind of, feel sorry for him, he's a strange, empathy-and-care deficient person. It's like a disability, or a wild animal that will hurt you, maybe, so you have to be careful around him. He's also kind of charming and charismatic. He can.be very convincing and compelling. I was under his sway and his spell a long time. I thought, if I tried hard enough, if I worked hard enough, was enough, that he would love me, but it didn't work out that way.

I was told that everything I endured, all the horrible treatment, was my doing. I didn't know that I had a right to be treated with care or love or kindness because I thought I was bad, crazy, unlovable.

But now I know, that was not so! :-)

 

[Freida]

I was told that everything I endured, all the horrible treatment, was my doing. I didn't know that I had a right to be treated with care or love or kindness because I thought I was bad, crazy, unlovable.

This is so sad. It just breaks my heart for you

But now I know, that was not so! :)

Yay!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Yesterday's post that I failed to press reply on...

This is the aniversary of finding out she was not alive and had been for about a month, and having my dead baby removed from me, in hospital.

Two years ago now.

Last january I was in hospital. My first trauma program admission.

I've mourned a lot about not getting to have a very-loved child with the-love-of-my-life but I'm still lucky I got to have babies, at all.

 

[mumstheword]

Today ... I realized that I blame my mother, specifically, for the getting trapped with my ex from the age of sixteen to thirty seven.

Why did she have to drag me around the country and away from my father and any kind of security?

Why did she treat me so unkindly and get me used to people who refuse to be accountable and honest?

Why did she keep me, when it was oh so obvious that she didn't like me (I was too like my father) and that she resented having to look after me?

Why did she abandon me, blame me, assault me, mock me, provoke me and use me the way she did?

What it did was make me a foreigner to love and care. I am grieving for my younger self. So lonely, so alone, so frightened, depressed and a bright red target for abusers.

 

[mumstheword]

I need to work on the guilt of not liking my mum. On her birthday I let her know I loved her, I sent her a text, and I do, but, I don't LIKE her, nor do I trust her.

It's hurt my relationship with other women, especially as my grandmothers were also, what I would say was more on the toxic side of femininity. And I'm sorry I'm using that term, it isn't a nice term.

This whole victim card that feminists, histrionic and narcissistic people use, so pervasively, is suspect. Wanting to spread blame on to ALL MEN; horrible.No better than any blanket generalizations. They are all cognitive distortions. Same with the "all white people" etc etc.

It's too often, a manipulative ploy. A way of gaining leverage, an upper, moral, hand. Apparently, we can salvage our virtue by signalling our "innocence" and "lack of responsibility" through our victimhood and our aligning with other victims of oppression and unfair treatment, and I'm not talking about those of us with PTSD, I'm talking all the identity politician types,
who, basically, come up with the most outlandish assaults on their person, via, vague "I felt offended" "I felt threatened" "I didn't get the job, the pay rise because ..yada yada yah, justifying feminist ideology because a man expressed sexual interest, made a proposition, or they regretted drunken sex, or "men just (automatically) have the upper hand" in what way? How? SHOW CONCRETE EVIDENCE!

It's just horrible, unfair, sexist, cognitively distorted, uncompassionate, manipulative power grabbing, IMO.

My mum was good at always being the victim, no.matter what. Good at constantly being histrionic. Good at being excessively self focused and completely faultless, blameless, and, apparently, unable to be wrong, or to apologize.

Funny, my ex, used a lot of similar ploys to keep me feeling guilty and fawning and disempowered. Eventually I got very sick of it though. I got sick of groveling and trying to appeal to logic and reason. One has to acknowledge, at some point, that these, manipulative, type people, aren't interested in logic and reason and fairness, they are interested in power, "moral" high ground (without actual morality)," pulling the victim card is not morality, taking responsibility for whatever part, ONE ACTUALLY PLAYED in the failure to maintain wellbeing, is far more empowering. Of course, children are, pretty much exempt from this, as they cannot possibly be expected to make wise, safe, responsible choices, children are subject to the whims and actions of adults.
We can all mourn transgressions perpetuated on us as children, healthily and properly, and extend that to our parents and their parents and/OR celebrate and be grateful for the love, safety, opportunities and care given.to us as children.
That is not what these third wave feminists do. They don't advocate for children's rights. They don't advocate for support for parents, who are doing the vital and incredibly important job of raising the next generation. No, they ignore all that. They are too busy blaming "the patriarchy" and complaining about sexual interest from men, and inflating and conflating rape threats in western countries where rape is certainty NOT culturally sancioned, in the general or university campus arenas..
I've been raped, and I've had a lot of drunken, depression-fuelled and regretted sex. But that doesn't mean I'm frightened of all men, nor am I reserving the onus of victimhood as a female-only exclusivity, nor do I want to make men feel bad for being sexually interested in me. Nor do I want special treatment or unmerited job opportunities, or to pull the "female card" to gain any special advantages. No, that's unscrupulous political maneuvering, in my opinion.

I want to work with men AND women, not in any kind of competition or ideologue "moral" manipulative manner, or blanket statement sexist agenda, but out of the sheer love of productive time spent, and friendship, common goals and shared interests.

iNTELLIGENT and HONEST discourse will gain male respect, not guilt tripping and female chauvanism.

I've had too much exposure to female chauvanists and now " millenial and ideological feminism" just makes me angry and annoyed at the hypocrisy and blatant political, manipulative, power grabs used by these "toxic" ideologues and the only reason I used the term "toxic" femininity is because they threw the first stone, with the male equivalent. It was simply in the interest of fairness and my total aversion to sexism, in any form.

 

[mumstheword]

I think it's time I fully bow out of here. It feels like time. I wish everyone well.
This place has been great. It's helped me a lot.
How does one deactivate like Sietz did?

 

[Freida]

I will miss you!
Stop by sometime and let us know how you are doing out there :hug: :hug:

 

[somerandomguy]

Sorry to see you go @mumstheword - but you need to do what's best for yourself. We'll always be here for you if you need us.

 

[Juso]

Oh mums, we will miss you so much! If you ever feel like it, please stop by and let us know how you're doing❤