The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Narcy people don't use rationale. They use put downs and they don't really care about what's true, the truth is inconvenient to them, they care about appearing right and using their power to sway people and brainwash other's, instead of giving you the facts and letting you make up your own mind.

Plenty of people aren't narcy gaslighters, but they still, unwittingly and without due consideration and investigation, beleive what narcy gaslighters say and, without knowing it, they can be their "flying monkeys", defending the erroneous paradigm because the narcy gaslighters are often very compelling, often charming, they can sound very convincing, and most people believe what they are told and have no suspicion that they might be being lied to or misinformed.

There are some very rich, very powerful, very Machiavellian narcy gaslighters, but if you are observant, and keep an open mind, without just believing what someone, who speaks with authority, says, who doesn't give good arguments that make sense and provide observable evidence, not cherry picked, but, contextual and who are open and welcoming to debate and who's claims stand up to the rigors of sound questioning and challenging, without resorting to name calling, shaming, shut downs, unfounded derision, that sort of thing, well, you can, eventually pick them.

There are patterns of behaviour and a refusal to treat challengers with respect, by providing sound, observable phenomena; instead they resort to emotional, hostile short cuts and triangulation "everybody knows so and so and such and such" they use ploys like that, that are supposed to be arguments, but aren't, they are just "mob rules" and mobs and majorities, aren't always right, the history of scientific discovery proves that majorities wrong. Saying that "well everybody knows such and such" isn't a scientific argument.

Narcy gaslights are masters at creating and perpetuating "echo chambers" to try to convince. Only sound theory with observable phenomena should be admissible in a conversation pertaining to scientific truth, and sound rationale that doesn't have holes and who's proponent's won't refuse to reason and debate.
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The main thing about gaslighting, is a selfish agenda that makes you lose the capacity to trust your own sense of reality. It disables your ability to make sense of your reality in a meaningful manner. It creates anxiety and dysregulation and teaches us that we can't trust our own minds. It disempowers us, because we need a firm grip on reality, in order to.make informed decisions.
I wouldn't know if there are any narcy gaslighters on this site.

I know my ex is one. I.know they exist in the media and in politics and in academia, though. I've seen enough evidence, to observe that. But I wouldn't expect anyone to just take my word for it.

That's the difference between me and one, a narcy gaslighter WOULD expect you to just take their word for anything and everything they say, or they would get nasty or Machiavellian.
I am so devastated. It's been really hard to pluck up the courage even to write this, write anything here, anymore.
My level of unsafeness, here, has shot through the roof. I am obsessing and ruminating and grieving and emotional flashbacks. So, so, hurt and feeling betrayed and, not just a little self righteous and martyred. I know I am not wrong, but, I am still wrong, because if I was thinking right, I wouldn't be so hurt and obsessing and keeping myself here and feeling so stuck and backed into a corner and let down. I wish I could just move on. I've been hurt and betrayed and judged harshly and misunderstood enough already. I've really suffered enough, I know that. So why can't I just move on?
I wish I had more courage, or less sensitivity or less attachment.

But, as it is, it just hurts, a lot. I feel like I've lost so much, again and been rejected and not given the opportunity to explain myself and clear my name, yet again.

This keeps happening. Trauma

I am still a terrified child dreading abandonment, yet again. I am still shunned, vilefied and not safe in this society, anywhere, but, in my home, with my guys, my daughters and my cat.

So, just know that I care about the people here. That's why it hurts so much. I need to let go, but, I'm having trouble doing that.

I'm also wanting to run from my new T. Cancelled last week. Not trusting that she is safe, either, so my fear and distrust are peeking.

Also, still; grieving about my pregnancy losses.

Also, still dealing with my ex hurting my children and keeping some of them stuck in his web of drug dependancy and culty mind control and nutritional and empowerment depletion and manipulative neglect.

He has alienated my oldest daughter more though. She is hurt but spooked by him. His mask slipped, yet, again. Maybe I should feel happy that she is seeing him for who he really is? But, I'm not, my heart is breaking for her. He is her dad and she is such a beautiful person, she doesn't deserve this pain and betrayal and heart break.

I let the hurt go on and on, because, I vicariously hurt for our children, on and on and on, and I don't want to not feel this for them, because that would feel like not caring and, if anything, I care too much and it's a weakness and I know it, but that doesn't stop me doing this to myself.

At least, the tears are falling again, so I am letting go of something, even if it is just salty face water.
Oh hun....I'm guessing I missed something. But you are still valued and loved - even in the midst of disagreements.

I think maybe your stress cup is overly full and may be this was the final push for it too all come rushing out? Cause remember -- your life has been a bit of a shitshow for a while now. Maybe whatever happened was just the thing that spilled it? :hug;
You've had so much to deal with over the last year on every level. Family being hurt, being ill. The tragic loss of your unborn (and I don't believe the grieving can possibly be done for something that painful). Dealing with the terrifying threat of fires for such a long period.

It makes sense to me that your emotions have been overwhelmed by that. That old feelings, beliefs and fears have risen back to the surface. And I'm sorry for that.

But is this place unsafe? Or does is the whole world perhaps feeling unsafe, because of what you've been dealing with, and because you have cptsd?

If you possibly can, think about reaching back out to that T in time, when you're ready. It sounded like you made a good connection with her, and that is so incredibly important.

Hopefully this place starts to feel safe again soon. Hugs if you accept:hug:
I'm sorry you're hurting so much Mums.

It's okay to take time off internet and come back up when you've dealt with safety offline and how triggered you feel and deep and needing help grief for everyone else.

It just helps to know you are safe and not being wholely alone for your hardships meantime otherwise, you know? It's not like you messed anything up, here.
Thank you good people.
Still so sad, tears come easy. Am in collapse/freeze state, too much, although managing Yoga with Adrienne routine every second day, at the mo.

My guy is my amazing ever loving support.

Our fire is finally out, which is great. We've had a stack of rain, so that's one less thing to be concerned about.

I am planning on going to oldest dawty's on friday, after an NDIS (National disability insurance scheme) meeting, on behalf of second born, on friday. Will stay the night at dawty's after busing over, to go to take oldest son out, on Saturday.

Lots of can't talk, can't find words, too overcome to talk about it stuff coming up.

Feeling bruised, on a soul level, but bruising is not fatal.

The safety thing, or lack of, perception, has dissipated, somewhat.
I am aware that there is the "trauma lens" , the "complex" trauma lens, at play here and I hold the view that it is better to see myself clearly, than, just, be reactive, with no self awareness. I'm sure you all agree on that. I think it very sound reasoning.

So, the peak of the emotional flooding episode has past, and it's just the hangover phase at play now. Still yuck feeling. It actually feels similar to an actual hangover.

My lack of functionality is disappointing, but, I can feel, under it all, more solid, more coherent, more structurally sound me-ness.
Still, it has me in a state of close-to-ground recharge and heightened reactivity.

I'm, disappointingly, not well, but, I'm on the path to increased wellness, or at least coming to terms with the validity of the c-ptsd diagnosis.

My family doesn't have to cope with too much, other than a decrease in functionality and some disappearing and not too many words, some laying around, watching vacuous, avoidance stuff on horrid (I have a abuse relationship with) Netflix, some tears, and I am being a neglect ma. My kid is 14 though and so it's not too bad. He seems fine. It might even be good for him. It's holidays too and all he wants to do is hole up in his room and do what 14 yr old boys do. He even had a friend over, while I was in the throes of it, and the boys just did their own thing. I even managed to cook that night.

The energy depletion is the worst part of it.

My trouble with communicating, saying words, has been highlighted, by this episode.

So, I'm learning more about myself. So it's not all bad.
My daughter is coming over to pick me up and come to the meeting, for her brother.:)
Which is awesome! Coz I wasn't up to the public transporting and I couldn't even get out of bed, to catch the bus, this morning.
She offered. She is a lovely daughter/person.
She is a deeply caring, responsible person.

For years, her dad used her, to triangulate against me, to abuse me, and when he drove me out with the relentless abuse and gaslighting, he installed her, to replace me, in the mum role.

Now, she has broken free of his control, she stands up to him and gets savaged for it, but she and I are getting closer and closer and we are working together to help her brothers.

The difference is, I offer her the chance to work with me, to empower her bro's, and encourage healthy boundaries, with no obligation, only gratitute and appreciation.

Her dad only wants ultimate control, compliance without question, he makes them all complicit in.his illegal activities and endangers them.

Since he emotionally savaged her the other day, she is even freer, as he had managed to rope her in, thus endangering her, anyway, as he is a criminal and gets his kid's to engage in his criminal activities.

I am so grateful she is distancing herself, more and more, from his crazy-making and dangerous influence.

Bit by bit, step by step, this true mum love and soundness, I can bring, to their lives, is helping them get free.

And as they are freed, I am freed. As they get healthier, I can relax and get more stable and emotionally regulated.

My guy is being amazing and deeply loving, as well. He totally gets it, and, through his own experience and by witnessing what has happened to me and my kid's, he knows what my ex is. He has seen the mask slip, a few times, for himself, and he is on fire with protective, righteous indignation, for us, and insight into what we are dealing with.

I do pray that the police do their job and stop letting the douchebag get away with his illegal antics. They know what he gets up to, but won't do anything about it, and unfortunately, being a gaslighting, narcy sociopath isn't a crime unto itself. I have told them, in the past, what he does, to the children, adult children, now, but, nothing happens. He just lied and they will lie, to protect him, so nothing done, legally.

I just hope I can support my oldest son to stay free of him, now that he is in the subacute MH hospital, for another two weeks. Maybe the hospital can support us to find him alternate accommodation, once he is out.

I already went through my second oldest (son) getting dragged back. In fact my daughter helped her dad get her second oldest brother back and he spent years terribly unwell, criminally neglected and horrendously psychotic, until, myself, community mental health and the state guardianship process and officials, finally, got him out and legally protected him from his dad's abuse and control.

Now, he is really starting to thrive! It's his meeting for gov disability funding and support services we are going to, today. I have been to lots of these reveiw meetings. I did heaps to get him a reasonable funding package and this is just a yearly review. But this is the first time his sister will on one.

This is a big turn around. From her being her dad's number one hench woman and ally, to her aligning with my style of support, caring and co ordination with system services. I guarantee that my way is a lot more sustainable, secure, supportive and empowering and I'm excited to have her on board.

Hopefully, we can use this teamwork to advocate for my oldest son/ her biggest brother, too. She and I are both in the same page, with not wanting to see him go back to their dad's.