The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

So it worked out really well. My middle son came over (24 yr old) and he's doing a lot better than I thought.
Turns out he is getting really sick of "sloppy soup" but he did have some and really liked it (my homemade vegan mushroom soup).
His dad did tell my other son to throw out the thermos of soup but son thinks it was just his (autistic) brother's fault. Oh well nothing I can do about it now.

He was good to me, coming over, and letting me see he's ok. Tomorrow he gets a check up and hopefully, he can start to eat solid food again.

He's not going back to snubbing me and rejecting me and being his dad's "flying monkey" and he's not going to.kill himself.
The worst is over.

None of them are going to kill themselves.

Oldest son keeps saying, even though he's got evil voices in his head telling him all sorts of horrible stuff "I'm not going to hurt myself and I'm not going to hurt anyone else". I believe him.

The worst is over.

The fires around here are "under control".

I feel A LOT better today.

Tomorrow I have T with my new T.

My second sesh with her.

Then I will go see oldest son in the clinic.
I am taking him a notebook or a diary or journal to write in.

My mum texted me over my birthday and I told her what happened with all the kid's getting injured and oldest being taken to the acute care mental health clinic.

She hasn't texted back.

That's ok. I.know not to expect support from her.

My dad rang but I was cooking. My guy spoke to him.

I still haven't done any yoga, but, I'm looking forward to.

The days are incredibly hot. Maybe 40 degrees celsius?

I'm really looking forward to getting to know the new T. She has very warm and attentive energy and a lovely smile.
I saw my new T today. Did play, with some symbols, like sand play only without the sand.
I talked a little about my dissociative "aspects", "parts", "inner people".
And my journey, my kid's of course, and things I would like for the future.

I had some realisations about my "aspects" -"parts"-"inner people", about how and why they came about. The more I understand what drives them the more I see them for what they are. I don't need them, to be dissociated from the rest of me, when fear doesn't rule me. I can intergrate them and place them where reality needs me to place them.

I am actually much more potent and self empowered when they are an intergrated whole.

I am also working on getting back to myself, after all this family drama. Back to the life I was really starting to thrive in.

I need to NOT give away my power out of fear of my kid's being the "flying monkey" narcy discarder puppets of their dad.

I need to respect myself and remember how good my life is, from me just giving myself regular care-my yoga regime and home-sanctuary restorative me-time.

Caring for other's is a big part of who I am BUT I am not going to get lost in that again AND I am NOT going to collude with narcissists or cover for them or set myself up to be ripped off and set up and hurt by them, anymore.

I have a good, if humble life (as in poor), with my guy and my super tall baby ( just 14 and well over six feet tall) my youngest who is turning into a decent person.

Basically, what's happening is that my son's, three of them, are still pretty hypnotized by their narcy dad and I just have to remember to "guard my heart" and not forget myself, in my love for them and my fear of having them discard me again.

It is very horrible to have people try to insist, that someone you know to be very malevolent, that they are a good person and that it is you who are being unreasonable, by not trusting them.

It's this ploy "oh why are you holding on to that?" Or just wiping it clean, it never happened (apparently) or it was all me, I was the narcissist.

Luckily, my guy has been witness to the whole thing and he is my anchor, my rock, because I start to really question and doubt and undermine myself. It is crazy making and I do numbers on myself all the time, if I don't watch myself.
The politics in my country, and the media, are just as awful as in US. People seem so irrational, so much of the time.

To me, we live in a very bonkers political climate, full of negativity and ungratefulness and outrage without sound argument, too often, AND it's too much like America. Our prime minister is a scapegoat for negative people's senses of entitlement and outrage, just like the US.
So sick of that shit.
The media are narcy gaslighters, on the whole, just like America, for the most part, from what I see, anyway..
Just like the US.
The mainstream media and their "woke" lefty agendas are the opposite of working together to uplift the needy, they tear down, promote dishonest agendas and disadvantage the least fortunate and the hard workers. They misinform, take out of context and frighten people needlessly. They promote narcissistic entitlement and hypocrisy and shallow vacuous non-thinking, not critical thinking.
I hope this tragic natural disaster opens hearts and provides opportunities for "wake up calls" as we realize what REALLY counts; kindness, community, people, life, health, and the anti depressant power of gratitude, a sense of humour, good food, clean air, water, soil, natural world health and honesty/truthfullness, and the comforting reality of people who value integrity over a momentary "win" of small minded self righteousness.
You can't just stamp your feet and demand other's capitulate to your ideology, you must provide sound reasoning, in a dignified manner, treat people as people, as we all like to be treated, use the right channels, do the ground work, have manners, respect the powers that be and our ancestors who paved a way for us, with hard work and sacrifices.
So I need to focus on all the rapes when I was a girl-child-teen? Ugh...I think I need to give it due consideration.
I'm so angry at my kid's dad, but the fact is that he was only one of the many, many predatory older men who used my body for their gratification when I was a teenager.
The only thing is that I got stuck with him, for a very long time.
I have started a claim for some of them, but they are only the really blatant rapes, where they drugged me and then raped me, in a premeditated way or I was totally inebriated and they took advantage and raped me. This happed when I was fifteen and sixteen.

When my ex got hold of me, I was already shattered. A zombie girl.
It is making me very emotional thinking about it.

I can't be angry about him, in front of my kid's because that's their dad and it hurts them, but IT'S HARD.

He did so many things that demonstrated his complete lack of regard for me.
One time, when I was just pregnant with my first, he and our then bass player were going out to do a poster run, on bikes. I didn't want to be left behind, because we were living in a squat with opiate addicts and I didn't want to be left alone with them.
I asked to not be left, so they gave me a bike, with no brakes, to ride. Bare in mind I was 3 months pregnant, just 17 and it's Melbourne, a very hilly city.

I have angels, I swear, because I nearly got killed, out of control, going through a busy intersection, but the lights changed, just in time.

They didn't care. Maybe he was hoping I would die, back then? It would cover the crime of a thirty four year old homeless drug addict convicted criminal getting a 16 year old girl pregnant.

No one cared.

That's what REALLY hurts.

But the rapes. They put me in a state where I would accept a bike to ride, with no brakes, through a very hilly, busy city, following two guys who didn't give a crap about me.

I wasn't suicidal, I was just shattered, numb, dissociative, resigned, depressed, terrified, back-against-a-wall desparate and vulnerable
Parenting sucks sometimes.

Youngest son and I, generally have a really good relationship.

But just now, and bare in mind I'm upset for a number of reasons, not least stuff I brought up in above post and Australian fires post, I'm wobbly.

Asking son to do a long overdue job? Oh no, he can't do it, because his scars still have a small part with a band aid on it, therefore he has to wait until tomorrow, when we have his final trip to the wound clinic and AFTER that he will do the job he hasn't done for a week of being asked.

It's not me that gets riled up, so much, about him refusing to do what he's asked, my guy gets riled up and THAT riles me up, when they buck heads over stuff. It has me in peices. Seriously, it's the one thing, these days, that is almost guaranteed to send me over the edge, and it takes, sometimes days, to recover. When I appeal to son, stating that, because, mostly? I hide my PTSD symptoms pretty well, other than having no real life, outside crisis parenting my adult children and being at home, with him and my guy; he says I'm being manipulative.

Stubborn, is what he is, very, very stubborn AND a way more wiley manipulator than I'll EVER be

Now he's doing one of his emotional not eating stints...he knows that will affect me too.

Uuughhhhh parenting!!!!! And being in a relationship AND parenting!!!! :-(

I am going to do restorative yoga, for the first time in a month.
Update; Sono came down, said he'd do the job (which is just putting a bed up on its side, that his friend slept on, last week, in a sleepover) but said he might still get in a fight with my guy, coz he's angry at him.
Said (my guy) didn't tell him to do it, last week and didn't offer to help him and he's angry about that.
I know his empty tummy brought him down, but, I'm glad he's budged.:-).

He hasn't done it yet, but said he would. I fed him because he hadn't eaten for about 20 hours.
Now he's doing it. He's done stuff all, all holidays, due to usual laziness and injuries.
He does have a job now, so he's not THAT lazy, but does spend an inordinate amount of time on devices, in his room.

It doesn't help that I am, mostly, a housebound recluse, who struggles to go down the road and into the village, most of the time.

Being a parent with c-ptsd? Not ideal.

On an up note, he did accompany me into see his oldest brother, yesterday, and really enjoyed himself.

We took oldest brother/son out of the clinic to get a haircut and had some lunch in a park.
It was good.:-) :-) :-) :-)
I just watched ;Where'd you go, Bernadette" Cate Blanchett plays Bernadette, a socially reclusive, neurotic mum who's lost her mojo, who used to be an architect of reknown and who's husband is so worried about her, now, he organises an intervention and wants to get her admitted to a psych clinic.

Turns out she just needs to create again, because she's an "artist".

It really struck a chord with me.

In the movie, her pride and joy, first house she designed, got bought by a douchebag who knocks it down and she's so devastated she never designs another house. Then she has 4 miscarriages (same as me) and then a baby who has a lot of touch and go health problems (I had one of those, my second born autistic son).
She becomes a house bound recluse (I, pretty much am that).
Maybe I need to "create" again?
I used to be a prolific musical artist, wrote lots of songs and poems.

Now, I am a sad, not-feeling-very-good-about-myself stay-at-home mum.

I looked up peer work and peer training today, nothing very exciting, so art is looking more enticing again.

I have trained in peer work, but, I didn't get my certificate. I didn't complete the course. I let my mum sabotage that for me, but it was me who f*cked up. I was too fresh out of the long term abuse relationship with my kid's dad.

Then, when, I was doing lots of volunteer peer work, I got pregnant and miscarriaged at five weeks. It gutted me.

I was getting burnt out, by then, anyway, because it was all volunteer and I've done a f*cktonne of volunteer work, forever, and had stuff all paid work and it gets demoralizing.

I don't have much money, and I do have a lot of children, so making money is something I want to do, mainly to support them, but, also, to have some, for my sake.

Will see what happens. I need my licence, whatever I do, or don't do. Admittedly, I am a bit scared of driving, but I'll get over that.
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself atm. You had an incredibly difficult Christmas period with so many children suffering major injuries, on top of what is already a stressful time of year.

I really like the idea of you investing more time in your art, because you seem to find that a really positive outlet. Give yourself some space and some time - you deal with a lot when it comes to family and the ever-present ex. Try and be gentle with yourself, and if you're feeling angry about things sometimes, that's okay, it makes perfect sense. You have a lot of things to be angry about. It will pass eventually, take care of you in the meantime:hug:
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself atm. You had an incredibly difficult Christmas period with so many children suffering major injuries, on top of what is already a stressful time of year.

I really like the idea of you investing more time in your art, because you seem to find that a really positive outlet. Give yourself some space and some time - you deal with a lot when it comes to family and the ever-present ex. Try and be gentle with yourself, and if you're feeling angry about things sometimes, that's okay, it makes perfect sense. You have a lot of things to be angry about. It will pass eventually, take care of you in the meantime:hug:

You are right @Sideways. I tend to do that.

I'm in town today, caught the bus in, to spend the day with my oldest son. Gonna take him out of the clinic again.

I left the two cranky-at-each-other guys I live with at home, phew!. My guy has to work anyway, so they probably won't have time to fight, but it would be great if they could resolve their issue before I get home.

I am doing some self care, like I haven't all holidays.

I tried to do restorative yoga coz I was too exhausted for anything more rigorous, yesterday. I fell asleep in poses, twice, didnt I.

I am at a cafe treating myself to breakfast, before I go get sonny.

I am going to enjoy my time to myself and then enjoy my time with my oldest, very vulnerable but responsive son. He hasn't been open to me, like this, for ever.

I am really enjoying the opportunity to bond with my oldest son, even though the circumstances are less than ideal. :).

I am lucky that his father rarely visits him and when he did, son's "voices" and anxiety ramped right up, but, he says, when he's with me, it's much more manageable.

Even youngest son commented that I seem to have a way to "ground" his brother in a way that he can't.:).

It's exhausting, this time, but rewarding, in that I have my son back in my life.:)
Oldest sono and I had a lovely lunch at a local pub.:)
Then back to the clinic for a video intake interview for a mental health rehab facility in Byron Bay.
It went well :).
They have a bed for him, already, and as soon as he's given the go-ahead by his gastro dr (he has chronic gut issues) he's heading over to the coast for a 4 week, group therapy focused stay at a recovery oriented clinic :).
He's pretty psyched to go.:)
I am over the moon for him and have lined up a stay with my oldest daughter so that I can visit him.
I only live a couple of hours away, but, that's still too far, for a non driver.

I find time with my kid's very healing; as the relationship's strengthen, my sense of self does, too.

He is amazingly social, and says hello to everyone. My second oldest son is like that too. When I commented on it, he (oldest son) said his brother has inspired him to be like that.

Before he came into the clinic he had been exceedingly paranoid and reclusive, with vindictive voices telling him all manner of frightening things.

Now, he seems secure, acts super friendly and is super loving to me and I am really, really happy about it and enjoy spending time with him. :):):):):)
I was supposed to go into the village yesterday. I still can hardly do it, rarely, but, I did manage to get youngest sono to the wound clinic every time for three weeks, though, and I can do the post office, coz it's just at the edge of the shops and that's progress.

I haven't checked in with younger son's, two middle sons, lately, but I rang oldest daughter this morning. That was good.

I've been in the car dropping off kids and picking kids from.their dad's, and that's progress, too.

I even had to see ex at the clinic, the first time I went in to see oldest sono, and I coped, I didn't even get adrenaline flood, so that's progress, too.

I left quickly though, when I saw him. I did say a quick hello goodbye to him.

My guy is pretty pissed at him, for the way he behaved last week. He is avoiding him so as to have no risk of having to want to give him the offer of a punch in the whatever...coz my guy is a guy-y guy, and although a very gentle, kind man, he isn't afraid to man up and confront, if needed and my ex is a giant cockhead and treated my guy with his usual tactics, but they don't work on my guy.

He can't hurt me anymore, he can't mess with me, and I have to keep in mind the children have to learn to narcissist proof themselves and he teaches them the necessity for that, in the long run .

Oldest is doing well, away from him, second oldest is doing well, away from him, oldest daughter is doing well, away from him. I am doing well, away from him. The other's will get there.

Oldest, still, might go back there, but he has at least one more month away from him and he will learn about healthy boundaries and self care and loads of good stuff at the Byron clinic.