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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Thread starter #2,318
I can't motivate myself. I'm watching finnish crime drama on stupid netflicks.
I am so thirsty for alone, tuning-out time.
But I don't really feel good doing it.

It's slack escapism, I know.

I am here alone. First time all holidays.
Not that sonny bothers me when he's here. He's at work, first shift since before his injuries.

It's just exhaustion. again.
My yoga regime is out the window and all I get is deep weariness.

I just feel guilty, is all.

My life is frittering away because I've given in to my lameness.
 
Going back over your posts, there seems to be a rhythm playing out here, with positive energy bursts followed by really down-on-yourself dives into darkness. They seem to be happening quite rapidly...

Is it a daily thing for you (like, up in the morning, down in the afternoon, or vice versa), or is it several hours/half day post dealing with oldest kiddo doing it tough with recovery, or is it post ex-confrontations? Is there something that pushes you up, or something that pushes you down, or is there any kind of other pattern you can recognise?

Concerned about you Mums. Feel like you're trying so hard to keep all these others safe, and watching it take a terrible toll on you:(
 
Thread starter #2,320
Going back over your posts, there seems to be a rhythm playing out here, with positive energy bursts followed by really down-on-yourself dives into darkness. They seem to be happening quite rapidly...

Is it a daily thing for you (like, up in the morning, down in the afternoon, or vice versa), or is it several hours/half day post dealing with oldest kiddo doing it tough with recovery, or is it post ex-confrontations? Is there something that pushes you up, or something that pushes you down, or is there any kind of other pattern you can recognise?

Concerned about you Mums. Feel like you're trying so hard to keep all these others safe, and watching it take a terrible toll on you:(
It feels good, being there for my son, but, I, realize, that I, habitually, dive into.a long standing habit of self loathing and body shame,-food-eating shame, and existential shame and I've realized that the sexual abuse and child abuse really, really f*cked me up.
I've worked really hard to get better, but, I feel like those bully's and predators stole my life.

I don't want to dump this on you @Sideways, it's just increasing my sense of guilt. That's why I have to focus on positives, other people don't need my negitivity.
I'm exposing my self here and it doesn't feel safe at all, but safe isn't something I should live for. I think living for safety is part of my slow demise.
I want safety too much and its leeching my life force.
I don't feel I deserve to burden anybody.
I don't respect myself for wanting to be safe.
But I want safety more than just about anything
Being by myself feel safer, but it triggers my emotional flashbacks of shame, self loathing and my prior lifetime of deep loneliness, not prior lifetime, this lifetime, but earlier and before my guy.

Update; He got home early. :-) We might go to the movies tonight.:-)
 
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I don't want to dump this on you
You're not, in any way at all. This is your trauma diary, it's a space for you to do healing work for yourself, with the benefit that sometimes others who relate a bit (like me) might jump in to offer support. Just because.

Being by myself feel safer, but it triggers my emotional flashbacks of shame, self loathing and my prior lifetime of deep loneliness,
There's a lot of healing in process still. Which makes sense, given how many years of trauma you've survived. And there's no doubt you've come out of that as a beautiful warrior, but that doesn't mean all the healing is done, or that every minute of every day is free of pain from past stuff that hasn't been processed yet. Don't give up, k?

It feels good, being there for my son, but, I, realize, that I, habitually, dive into.a long standing habit of self loathing and body shame,-food-eating shame, and existential shame
Supporting someone through drug addiction recovery, supporting someone recovering from psychosis - they're big big tasks, with huge emotional tolls. Even the best of supporters get compassion fatigue, and need support themselves.

Have you got support like that in place? Something like an ARAFMI group that you can link up with?

Also was thinking that maybe investing some more time in your own healing journey. It isn't being selfish to do that. If not with TDU, knowing you there's probably some really quality alternative health and yoga retreats in your region that you could plan ahead for yourself. Some recovery time, so that you can keep being there not just for the family, but also for yourself.

Just tossing around ideas. If nothing else, just know that you're being heard when you write here:hug:
 
Thread starter #2,322
I know feeling exhausted gives me permission to do a little hating on myself, because I easily slip into the "if I'm not being of service to other's, I'm just taking up space" kind of unworthiness programming.

It's defs a on-going trigger/vulnerability. I used to need constant fixes of achievement to allow myself any semblance of self respect, so not feeling well or being exhausted? Is unacceptable and makes me a useless cow. Now that I'm writing it, I can see how the child abuse and "spousal" abuse programming is at play here.
Although, I had the perfectionism programming for a long time, I have been so damn unwell, I am forced to let go of that and embark on.this path of self healing and self care.

Recently, having my kid's injured, in crisis, it just put me back into old modes; codependantly caring for other's at my own expense, so, I have to reorient myself back to focusing on my own recovery and making the change; reorienting, I'm finding hard.

I guess just letting myself be super tired and not giving myself a hard time about stuff is doing the self care, for the moment.

I really have been needing to go to the dentist for a long time and haven't been able to manage, even, that.

Having my son back (in my life) is consuming me, a lot, and, because he's off to Byron, shortly I have been putting everything I can into seeing him and making the most of the access to care for, and spend time with him, without his father around. I've never had an opportunity, like this, with him, before..

It is a window, a time dependant thing, so, as soon as he's more sorted, I'll be able to go back to my own recovery.

Mind you, even when he goes to Byron, I'm going to be visiting him, but, not quite as much.

I would really like to see him go to the Buttery too, rather than go back to his dad's. I'm scared of him getting really unwell again, when he goes back (to his dad's), like what happened to my second born.

I have no control of that, though. So, I just have to.make the most of my time, with him, now.

When I was with the dad, EVERYTHING was about them. They were my entire reason for existing. Making music kept me going and stopped me going completely insane, and smoking weed was a prerequisite to a semblance of peace, with their dad. It kept me very dissociative and numb and dependant, but, I did have a lot of intense, and inwardly torturous experiences, still.

When I got out of there, I was such an effing mess. I was hanging on by the thinnest thread. Psych drugs, I couldn't risk taking, in case they were the wrong ones, and they tipped me over into offing myself.

I got a coca leaf habit, to deal with my chronic gut pain, emotional agony and beyond exhaustion mania and inability to sleep. I thought if I layed down, I might just slip away and so I pushed and pushed and pushed myself

Because I was too scared to take meds, and the local mental health clinic had given me a BDP diagnosis, they wouldn't admit me.

I got some time in a women's refuge, after some time homeless, and couch surfing, and then got a place in a VERY rough and scary neighborhood. Stayed there 41/2 years. Not a safe place to raise children.

I got my gut sorted, learnt how to sleep again. My guy, who was my friend, already, put me onto an amazing medicinal herbal powder called Mulungu, which got me out of mania/acute stress/insomnia. Sleep was one of my best friends and I did a lot of it. Also walking, swimming, exercise classes, study, councelling, volunteering, and parenting, my old go-to, ultimate distraction from me and my problems and griefs and health bs.

I think it's like an addiction for me, a codependancy and I need a new venture, a new outlet, just for and about myself, or I could just focus on and get my yoga regime on again, because that was working.

Did I sabotage it, because I still don't have enough self worth? Maybe.
 
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Thread starter #2,323
You're not, in any way at all. This is your trauma diary, it's a space for you to do healing work for yourself, with the benefit that sometimes others who relate a bit (like me) might jump in to offer support. Just because.


There's a lot of healing in process still. Which makes sense, given how many years of trauma you've survived. And there's no doubt you've come out of that as a beautiful warrior, but that doesn't mean all the healing is done, or that every minute of every day is free of pain from past stuff that hasn't been processed yet. Don't give up, k?


Supporting someone through drug addiction recovery, supporting someone recovering from psychosis - they're big big tasks, with huge emotional tolls. Even the best of supporters get compassion fatigue, and need support themselves.

Have you got support like that in place? Something like an ARAFMI group that you can link up with?

Also was thinking that maybe investing some more time in your own healing journey. It isn't being selfish to do that. If not with TDU, knowing you there's probably some really quality alternative health and yoga retreats in your region that you could plan ahead for yourself. Some recovery time, so that you can keep being there not just for the family, but also for yourself.

Just tossing around ideas. If nothing else, just know that you're being heard when you write here:hug:
I really, really appreciate your kindness, patience and consideration @Sideways. It goes a long way. Thank you for helping me chip away at my sense of not being worth anyone's time and/or that no one can handle it, or will be kind to me, if I show I'm hurting and feeling a bit dark.

We got a storm!!!! It RAINED!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) So exciting and good to get that weather!!!!
Also, we are off to the movies tonight, to watch "Gentlemen" or the gentlemen or some such ....
Its been recommended to us, by a close community member (actually I've only met her once, but my guy knows her better) . Apparently "The best movie she's ever seen" but she says that a lot, I hear, so we'll see :-)
 
Thread starter #2,325
I meant to say BPD, I think, as in, "Borderline Personality Disorder", which has since been corrected to c-PTSD, despite not being in the DSM manual.

My guy says to "Never tell people you got diagnosed with that, because you are nothing like people with BPD", but then, apparently, if you say c-PTSD around here, they think "Oh, you have Borderline Personality Disorder", anyway.

I know the debate is on, about such semantics, but, I think they are different, and that it's worth making the distinction.

I am, way far along, in my recovery, to be, even, remotely detectable, by anyone, that meets me, but then, I always was good at "Presenting well", as my ex used to say. I just try to avoid meeting people and something must be done about that.
 
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Thread starter #2,326
Well it's not actually "declaring" when you provide a solid argument? With data to back.up your claim, Is it?

It's just challenging the status quo. Which many people resent and resist.

What did Mark Twain say?
It's easier to fool.people than it is to tell them they've been fooled?
Something like that.

Even if it's for the greater good and what you're saying is true.
People can REALLY resent you for it.

I have to deal with that with my kid's. The stuff I know about their dad, they don't want to.know and they will hate me for saying it, even though it's true, so, I, generally keep my mouth shut. But, sometimes, one's conscience compells one to do otherwise, and then get resented and reacted to, for it.

It keeps me alienated (from most other people NOT nature/ Great Spirit/myself). I love truth and facts more than I do being accepted and I seem to be a rare breed. I think it's one of the good things about being an Aspie, but, it sure doesn't make me popular.

It's rare to be able to have a truly rigorous, intellectual conversation, in my experience.

I'm lucky I have my guy, and my grown up kid's are coming along, some of them.

But, yeah, people resent my intellect, plenty. My ex HATED that I was smart and he couldn't best me in an argument, coz I use logic and data. He used manipulation and intimidation and outright misinformation, and straw man arguments and side stepping like you wouldn't believe and gaslighting and hostility, shut downs and put downs.

His was "THE truth" while, according to him, mine was "YOUR truth" said with much derision.

But the thing is, truth isn't as subjective as the post modernists would have you believe. There is truth and there is fallacy.

There are narcy gaslighters and there are truth tellers. There is good science and there is propaganda and it's provable and self evident.

But, time will tell. Truth wins out in the end, it's just a matter of how long it takes to get to that end.
 
There are narcy gaslighters and there are truth tellers.
Sorry, I'm not gonna make a big thing about this, I just need to ask: this seems to mean that I qualify as a 'narcy gaslighter' simply because I happen to disagree with your position on the cause of climate change. Is that what you mean? Because I don't want to be somewhere where I'm not wanted, and certainly I won't persist here if I'm considered a narcy gaslighter...:(
 
Thread starter #2,328
Sorry, I'm not gonna make a big thing about this, I just need to ask: this seems to mean that I qualify as a 'narcy gaslighter' simply because I happen to disagree with your position on the cause of climate change. Is that what you mean? Because I don't want to be somewhere where I'm not wanted, and certainly I won't persist here if I'm considered a narcy gaslighter...:(
Of course you're not a narcy gaslighter!!!!
I've never, ever, had any reason to think that about you.

We were talking about science and you asked questions, like a person who wants to talk and exchange ideas and learn more and get to the bottom of things, and have things make sense and use logic. Narcy people don't do that.

They never want to answer for their.lies, they shame and intimidate people, they undermine your sense of reality, but not with factual arguments that make sense and can be logically reasoned about. They get emotional and irrational and use emotional arguments that refuse to deal with facts and reality.
They are not reasonable and you @Sideways, I've always found to be someone of integrity and reasonableness.
 
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