The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ILoveLife]

:hug: a million hugs to you
It's okay to grieve

 

[somerandomguy]

((((@mumstheword))))
You are doing amazing work. Really amazing.
I'm sorry it's so difficult.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you lovelies, @Sietz and @somerandomguy . Crying now, you guys being so kind n'all :cry:

 

[mumstheword]

I just had a little "window" thanks to the release of crying a little, where I felt "clear" and spacious, in my heart area, instead of pained, squeezed and tight.
Just a little window, but yay:shy:

 

[mumstheword]

Last night, I drank and had a smoke of weed and I had a terrible and uncomfortable numbness, in my heart area.
I decided that drug and alcohol induced numb is really not fun and not how I want to feel, so it's back to feeling stuff today.
I realized, I'm not just grieving bad stuff happening, but lots of amazing memories too, like performing my songs and singing on stage, lots of applause, lots of losing myself in dance and being super creative, musically, and having all my children around me.
Things like that.
Stuff, I really, really miss.

Sure, their Dad was very cruel to me and now I have a very, very loving partner. We talk and cuddle and laugh and joke and have great sex and support each other and it's really, really wonderful.
He is so compassionate! I am more and more in love with him and attracted to him as time goes on. He is my life partner and I utterly adore him, admire him and never tire of his company, but I miss that stuff about my old life.

It is a great rush and validation to have lots of people focus on you, dance to you, applaude your original musical expression and come up, sometimes, and say lovely things about your performance!
I miss being a singer with a band or at least a bunch of musicians to jam with!
I miss dancing regularly!
I miss living with (all) my children around me.

I miss the hard earned functionality before I had "too much" trauma and loss.
I miss the sense of self I got from being a performance artist and a mum, who's children relied on and even took for granted.
I want it back!
My connection(s) that I worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for, I want them back!

So what if it wasn't all real because I faked ok a lot and my kid's Dad was abusive and cruel? At least I wasn't invisible! I had a place in my community! I had my children to live for.
I had drive and a sense of self and at least a little bit of acceptance and validation in my community.

Now, I'm just a nut job with a lovely partner, great therapists, ok, so my kids do still need me, some of them, at least, but it's more painful and broken than before, when I was a doormat, and a total stoner but my ex didn't take my children away from my life and my heart.
I'm too broken now!

Having c-ptsd makes loss harder to recover from, I'm sure of it. It's the lifelines that we grab on to, when they are taken away, we just feel like we are swept out to sea.

If it wasn't for my darling, I would never have made it this far.
He's at work now and I'm missing him. He makes my life bearable. I hope all my children realize that's he's responsible for them still having a mother, because I really don't see how I could be survived without my lovely man's care.
Maybe the good stuff that I miss will return to me and then, look out world! There'll be no stopping me! I will be truly thriving! :)

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm too broken now!

Nah, you're not. You're healing, putting the pieces back together.
You were broken then, not now.

Maybe the good stuff that I miss will return to me and then, look out world! There'll be no stopping me! I will be truly thriving! :)

YEAH :D

 

[mumstheword]

Nah, you're not. You're healing, putting the pieces back together.
You were broken then, not now.


YEAH...

My darling came home :-) we have already had some laughs and I'm feeling sooooo much better for getting that stuff out!

Thank you @Sietz you are right! I am healing!

 

[Freida]

happy you are feeling better...reading along...not processing today but thinking of you....:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Your mother doesn’t deserve you. What an awful person

 

[Freida]

This! ^^^^^

 

[mumstheword]

I guess. I was taught it was me, though.

I feel ashamed that I've said stuff about her on the internet that people then say that though.

Like, the situation with my neighbor at my last place; during getting to know her i explained my situation that I was in, re my kids and she offered to "take out" my ex for me.
I was very shocked.
Sure he's really shocking in his behaviour, but I don't want that on my conscience and I really try not to do things that affect my children in adverse ways, plus, illegal, immoral. I told her, I'm kinda Buddhist in the way that I'm pretty much a pacifist, just personally,
So yeah, I felt really bad that things I had told her, that had been done to me, caused her to offer to be a hitwoman for me.

I don't really have "aggression" (as in any.kind of violent tendencies or inclinations) towards others, but I used to struggle with physical s/h and I still struggle with mentally abusing myself.
I'm getting better though :)

My mum? Yeah, it's very painful that I don't like her as a person and I don't trust her.

I don't really know if its because of my c-ptsd which makes me just a sick, sad, defective, broken human that was unlovable by my mum.
I know; cognitive distortion, just sayin', I feel it.
Not sure how to address the whole "unworthy" due to neglect and abuse as a child thing.
I'm trying. I'm certainly made inroads.:joyful: but it's really, really deep seated shame.

I used to do "awesome" things to make myself feel like I wasn't that, to try to prove that it was a lie.
But last year, I spent 7 months pregnant and I lost two pregnancies and our dog died, our neighbor's dogs killed cat after cat, also badly bit my partner, she assaulted (punched in the face) my partner and tried to get him charged with her crime around the time I was miscarrying the baby in January, after being told I was having a trisomy 13 baby (very, very bad), she repeatedly stole from us (unprovable though), poisons our gardens on an ongoing basis, and police and court and housing have treated us very callously and irresponsibly over this; typical Australian systemic entrenched sexism and cluelessness about covert narc behaviour.

Not sure what the Ranger is doing, I called him after the last pet assault and failure to respond by narcy neighbor.
Apparently she's moving out, soon, though. :yuck:
Oh, and I couldn't handle any more of my mother after the last miscarriage so I texted her I needed some space due to her "being complicit in my trauma" she hasn't wanted to pursue me.
Oh, yeah and four of my son's were suicidal, one of them was strangle-assaulted and had a write-off car accident last year (very fortunately unhurt), and the other has had so many psychotic episodes after being at his Dad's that we ( community mental.health, his guardian, psychiatrist and support workers) had to get him legally restricted from being at his Dad's.
My daughter was self harming and in a abuse relationship with a guy much like a younger version of her Dad, and also had a car accident.
She's out now and "Student of the Year" for her fashion design course:inlove:.

I could maybe think of more crap that happened, but I guess those were the "straws that broke this camel's symptomatic back".

 

[littleoc]

She's out now and "Student of the Year" for her fashion design course:inlove:.

This is great!!

There is so much going on for you. Just all the time. You’re surviving like a champ, and you’ve come out a caring person.