The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

It's a trust that's been broken thing.
I left him, even though he tried to make me feel thoughly unwanted for years, and that my feelings and well being were unworthy of anything, but, scorn, invalidation, negative judgement and shaming. I left him. You don't get to leave a narcissist without extreme punishment, THEY will discard YOU, when they are good and ready and you've ceased your usefulness. I was still useful, although impaired, in fact he enjoyed constantly shaming me, tornenting me, humiliating me, in front of others, quietly and constantly, getting cash benefits from the gaslighting (in the form of a pension for "caring" for "crazy" me), having a slave, both sexual and domestic, getting sympathy and kudos, for putting up with crazy me, and entrapping me through the hostage-taking of what meant everything to me and the reason for bothering to fight so hard to stay alive; my children. But I LEFT HIM, instead of dying, I know he was put out by this, because he shamed me about it, apparently, I would have been "honourable" if I'd died, instead of the dishonourable leaving and putting him out by being alive, so I needed to be discarded by our children, because only a narcissist can discard, they can't allow themselves to be discarded. It's an unforgivable slight. So he had to manipulate as many children as he could to discard me, thus vicariously doing the discarding. Doesn't matter that it's caused untold harm to our children, the point is, he got me back for leaving and not dying and made good on his threats, as best he could, the "If you leave, you'll never get the children, coz you're crazy" threat that worked for YEARS.
So he went all out on badmouthing me, lying, terrorising, manipulating, capitalising on their confusion, fear, vulnerability and hurt to destroy our bond, it worked so well!

 

[mumstheword]

I'm learning to be upfront, microscopically upfront, with my beautiful best friend and lover, and my T.

I made a connection, between how I feel about my partner's borderline ex and my mum (who my pdoc thinks is probably diagnosable with borderline personality disorder). It's helped me understand my intensity of feeling toward his ex (who, incidently, has assaulted me).

My mother was violent. She was emotionally nasty, mocking, disparaging, unaccountable, constantly selfish, constantly negative, about everything and everyone, dramatic, manipulative, divisive.

I used to think of her as The Red Queen, she reminded me of the red queen in Alice in Wonderland.

I am ashamed of pretty much anyway that I am like her.

She crushed my father, cheating on him and taking me vast distances, interstate, for much of my childhood.

She kept me in line with much shaming, much intimidation, much invalidation and a good dose of denial and discarding, when needed.

She gaslit me; all kinds of set up ploys, making me look for stuff that wasn't where she said it was and then punishing me for not finding it, that kind of thing.

She was on welfare, pretty much my whole life. She kept me isolated. She never.let me have any security, community, any stability. She exposed me to drug use, violence, inappropriate sexuality and lots of nakedness, lots and lots of screaming and abuse and neglect from a young age. She badmouthed everybody. She sabotaged any happiness I ever exhibited, I had to hide any little joy from a young age, for fear she would deliberately undermine it.
She treated me like a slave, or a nuisance, or ignored me, most of the time.
She doesn't apologise, or admit to any inconsideration.

I feel deeply hurt by my mum, and by my dad never giving me support to cope with her abuse, he just made excuses for her "Oh, she's had a hard life" and told me "Be good for your mother" while she was allowed to abuse and neglect the shit out of me.
Apparently I and my feelings didn't matter, from the start and ongoingly.

 

[ladee]

And you ended up with an abuser just like her. It's all you knew. But the good news is, one day you walked away. One day you picked YOU.

And anyone that knows you in real life or here, sees the incredibly strong and vibrant woman that transcended, and continues to do so, the treatment you started your life with. Our beginnings does not dictate our end results. You are absolute proof of that.

You are a force to be reckoned with Mums, You are living proof of the saying, 'what doesn't kill us makes us strong'.

Those two had no idea what lay beneath did they! Look at you now. You stopped being a survivor the day you walked away. You became a woman looking for her life. Looking for the real you.

The winner here is you. No one on this earth has the power to make us stop believing there is a better way , you are the poster woman of transcending abuse and living a full life. They were never stronger than you. Never.

 

[mumstheword]

You are very kind @ladee.:hug::)

Yes, we can do this. One day at a time. Being kind to ourselves. Being mindful of our needs. Being open to wise acknowledgement of our deeds.

Nothing is more important, to me, than having integrity. You see me, and I see beauty in you, in your heart. We've made huge inroads, we've started the journey of self awareness, collective repair, of our psyche. Our light is growing, showing. We have knowing, we are glowing internally, with the light of self knowledge and reaping the fruit of doing the hard yards, being real, not sealing ourselves off, from our feelings. Instead, we are healing. :)

 

[ILoveLife]

Love ya mums :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Major triggerfest yesterday. Neighbor just got too much for me.
I figured out what it was about her that poked (one of, or some of) my wound(s).
My guy and I fought about it. I had a miserable day of it and I cried alot.
I'm better now and it's heaps more sorted.
I figured out the why it was hurting me so much. Old wounds, deep wounds and new wounds (my lost baby grief), it's complicated, but figuring out where the hurt was coming from and communicating, clearly, the boundaries I needed from my guy, has helped a lot.

We'll see if it works out.

We actually had a day off from her coming around or calling out yesterday. Just as well, because I was a mess from it.
Today she was back over, but I felt better as I had asked my guy for some boundaries over one of the things she comes over a lot for.

It's the daily grind of her coming over and engaging by calling out from the back verandah. It's invasive of my privacy.
I don't have a relationship with her, really, I'm just the other half of the guy who does.
I know she doesn't care about me, at all.

I'll be ok, as long as the everyday, wanting my guy's energy, and dropping over, stops.

One of the things she wants from him, puts him in a precarious position, legally, and I resent it. It's only weed, but still. My guy could get in a lot of trouble on her behalf.
I really don't love it. A lot.
He's trying to get past his own weed habit and the pressure from her doesn't help.

He's a knight in shining armour type. It's his achilles heel.

Anyway, he's not loving that particular pressure either.

 

[mumstheword]

Two things are running through my mind ... One is a memory of being properly mothered for a short time and how that felt ... My mum had me stay with a lady and her husband when I was ten. It was great, other than I got frightened when I rode their horse coz it tried to buck me off and their son was jealous (his mum had, evidently, always wanted a daughter).
Anyway, when my mum was ready to have me back, I remember the lady offering to keep me longer and my mum getting really hostile at her, while I, secretly, hoped that she would let me stay at the lady's as I, for the first time, got to feel cared for, wanted and secure.

Sad really. It wasn't the first time I had wanted out, from my mum. I had wanted to be left behind, at the ashram, when I was 7, but I guess it was just as well she hadn't left me there, the head swami was a pedophile, only we didn't know that, at the time.

My dad wasn't better, he is a very Aspi guy who was severely depressed, my whole childhood. He wasn't particularly abusive to me, only to his dog, which frightened me, and road raging in traffic.

Sad little girl who wanted to be parented, but only got a small taste of it, from someone else's parent's.

The other thing that's running through my mind is about my compliance with A (my x) and how that was first about being frightened of more rapes and being murdered and seeking protection, and secondly, about my babies and being unable to leave because I was scared of being separated from them, for good reason.

I did everything I could to stay with my children and look after them. I had a mantra for years "If my kid's are ok, then I'm ok", it was only the inevitability of separation by death that shook me out of that reverie.

I'm forgiving myself for my lack of options.

 

[Freida]

I'm forgiving myself for my lack of options.

this ^^^^ is amazing. I'm so very happy for you. Not happy dance happy -- but hug happy... :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

this ^^^^ is amazing. I'm so very happy for you. Not happy dance happy -- but hug happy... :hug:

Thank you @Freida, :-) gladly hugging you back :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

My guy and I are going good.:)

Only had the neighbor call out once, today, and no knocking at the door.:)


I did get a visit from my formerly-
estranged-middle-son, though. A very positive visit :). He's moving back to Vic and we had a brief but very healing exchange.:):):) .

He told me he loves me about 4 times and repeated that he forgives me :)

(for leaving him with his dad)

and I got to hug him 3 times and tell him how much I love him and I'm proud of who he is. :)

He's going to fully detox from Xanax, I know he will, and he'll be ok.:) He's a very high-minded, generous-souled young man.

My kid's are a close knit crew and that's something I wanted for them; lots of love, honesty, integrity and care between them, and I do believe that they are getting there, and I'm relieved.:)

I don't know what it feels like to come from that, to not be a lonely soul. I'm lucky I have one guy who I can fully rely on. It only took me 37 years to find someone who has my back, and another 8 years to get to this, truly solid, place with him.

My children are having a very different experience.

I hope my oldest 2 boys are going to be ok, though.

When my oldest gets out, away from his dad, I will be very relieved and happy.

Also, if the place, I've applied for, comes up, I will be inviting my oldest daughter and second youngest son (20-year-old) to live there, together. I will probably move there later, because of youngest son going to school here. I'm not going to move him and it's much more convenient to be here for him, most of the time. I'm going too well with my guy and I don't like how close the neighbor is. Not that I don't trust him, I do, it's her I don't trust.
He's just too conveniently close, for her.
I've never suffered from jealousy before.
I prayed someone would come and get my ex's attention, so I could get away, but no, he just kept latched on to me.

I don't like feeling jealous and possessive, but my guy means so much to me and he's a very attractive, awesome guy. So I just don't want to risk someone snatching him away from me, when I'm not looking. I think it stems back to a past life thing (judge me all you.like, but I've had too many experiences, not to entertain this notion) . Maybe I'll talk about it, one day.

 

[mumstheword]

My little guy (who is now about 6"1 and still only 12) went down to dinner at his dad's. It was a going away mexican feast night for my formerly-estranged-middle son. He had a good time. 6 out of 7 of my children were there (everyone bar my intellectually disabled son). I, of course, was not invited, but that's ok. I didn't even expect to get a goodbye visit and I did :-) and it was beautiful.:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[Swift]

" I am forgiving myself for my lack of options."

Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Can I steal this?

Also - the camaraderie and love your kids have with each other is a credit to you as a mother. As is the fact you got out, and they're all coming back.

Your kids.... Don't have an experience of not having a mother who loves them and cares for them and puts their needs before her own.

And that is an amazing, amazing thing.