The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So...good things...good things happening :).
We went to the beach for my bday. I turned 47 on the 2nd. We took youngest sono, youngest dawty, dawty's bfriend. It was a very hot, sunny day. It was very busy at the beach and we found a lovely shady spot and there was live music!!!! AWESOME music!!!!

I liked looking around at all the people and listening to the awesome vibes. Everyone was happy, enjoying themselves (at least if they weren't, they weren't broadcasting it) doing their thing. I loved it, such a great vibe.

I couldn't help myself, even though it was sooooo hot, I had a boogie to the chill vibes, coz, being an ex performancer artist myself, (singer/improv artist extraordinaire/boogier/percussion/
lead and harmony vocalist/dub poet) just to toot my own flute because I didnt get to get anywhere with it, ex really HATED my musical prowess and talent. Moaned to me once about how I was a better singer than him AND blamed me for the band not taking off, coz I got really, super ill once, after my fifth baby and we had a studio session planned and I wouldn't let him leave me with all the children, alone, in the bush, no electricity, no phone, miles to walk. I propped the baby on the front of the car and luckily there was a witness so he couldn't just drive off anyway. I was shitting through the eye of a needle (so to speak and could hardly stand up). Would he take me in to hospital for care? Never.

Anyway he blamed me for ever after about how I sabotaged his music career when I "wouldn't let him go into the studio".
Luckily another guy, a friend, brought me over colloidial silver and it got rid of my dysentery thingy. But I paid for that for YEARS after.

Anyway, back to the good stuff. I got a bit more in touch with "my old self" at the beach. My dancey happy self.:)

We went to my daughter's for dinner, which I ended up cooking, coz she was too partied out from New year's, but, she had pre made a no cook, raw, vegan, chocy cake :).
Her place is a granny flat next to another guy's. The guy who owns it. We've known this guy for years. He had someone, a women a little older than.me, who was one of the first people I ever met up here, when I was, not-so-sweet, sixteen.

It was good to connect with her.

She loves my kid's, all of them, especially my oldest. He's been very kind to her when she was having a rough time. She asked me to tell him "love from her" and "apologies if she was overloading him", when she went over there, to his dad's, unwell, herself.

She was playing guitar, and had a young aboriginal girl with her, a rapper girl. Yes, rap is very big with a lot of aboriginal youth these days. The girl was writing lyrics. I spoke briefly with them, both as we were leaving, saying "We should have a jam, sometime" , again reminiscent of my "old" self.

All this took place in my old stompin' ground, on the coast and at Mullum, where I first moved to, after leaving Tasmania and giving up on getting parental care and guidance, when I was only a little older than.my youngest, who is 14.

I am celebrating that I survived all that.And that I have a tribe of AWESOME children, caring, loving, intelligent, non-psychopathic, non-narcissistic young adult and (only two, now) teens. Sure, some are still a bit fragile, some are quite vulnerable, some, maybe all, a bit hurt and psyche-ic-ly and neuro-ly injured, many, not at all clear on the serious danger that their dad poses and it ain't easy to protect or warn them, but they are slowly, but, surely, wising up.

And, I have a guy who loves me, adores me, and that is, almost, unbelievable. My kid's are really taking to him, too.

 

[ladee]

Very happy to hear you got some of your Mo Jo back Mums!!! What a great surprise for you to build on.

Happy for you! Heart hugs.

 

[Sideways]

Happy Birthday Mums?
Cool that you got to spend it on the beach with other like-minded revellers:)

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @ladee and @Sideways :). It IS good to have all my kid's turned back to allowing me to be their mum and it IS good to feel a little of the ole "mums spirit returning".:)
I had a choice, with this woman at my daughter's, because she knows nothing about the abuse I went through at exs hand's. I felt a bit triggered at what she represented, in the moment, she represented a connection to "my old life" and I wasn't comfortable with facing that, but, by saying goodbye to her and meeting her friend, instead of just leaving and avoiding her, I left the metaphorical door open to, perhaps, revisiting "my-old self" with her, I felt like I did the brave thing and I got rewarded by reconnecting a positive part of myself that I'd, previously left behind. It felt good.

Two connections with my old life, as well as the locality where a lot of my young adult life took place. Some trauma, a lot of trauma, but also good things, fun times, being creative and social.

The music, at the beach, some of it was very like some of the music we used to play, very "dubby" chill, groovy electronic music, although ours was much more "live" with a big band.

I like that kind of music, very much.

I feel like my chance to use those skills is over, now, though.

And I'm not grieving the destruction of those dreams and all the work ex did to sabotage and destroy my musical chances and opportunities, now, anymore.

I'm just grateful I got to be the person that did all that stuff.

I even made up a song, with my oldest son, in the clinic, yesterday :). He was playing guitar and I made up a little reggae song about recovery and learning to "be your own best friend":).

 

[mumstheword]

I am feeling very down about the fires. Also, still very exhausted.
So many things I wish were over; the fires, my kid's being hurt/injured, having to have my ex, indirectly, still in my life, this dry, drought period, health issues I have, our culture's craziness, our poverty, my guy's pot and alcohol consumption (for financial AND health reasons) my unemployment, my teeth problems, living here in hippy/lefty central, so over it, my kid being hooked on Xanax, my kid's still living at their toxic, narcy dad's, I guess that's a long enough list, anyway, just feeling down.
I don't want to die, I've worked too hard on my mental health recovery for that, but lots of stuff still sucks, pretty badly.

I'm in that mode of wishing I was by myself and not having to deal with doing stuff for people, but, I need to cook for a bunch of my loved ones and the weather is disgustingly hot.
I hate that our country is burning up and people are being impacted by these fires and no one seems to see the correlation between that nasty feminist telling other nasty feminists to"burn it down (the country "patriarchy"" "burn stuff" "kill men" "destroy the 'patriarchy' on national television two days before our country started to burn to the ground, and it's been burning ever since."huh? women raise boys from infancy, I think we have something to do with shit going wrong too. Sorry I detest it. Narcy arseholes. It's simply narcy ploys for power, no rationale, no reasonableness, no facts-based arguments just tyrrany and power grabbers manipulating other's out of base emotions like envy, and a sense of entitlement. Nasty hate mongers. She gets off scot free while the nasty lefty media praises those evil witches for being "brave" and "controversial" and the country gets f*cked and burnt to the ground and the men get blamed and scapegoated and shamed and emasculated and disempowered and fed soy products that feminize and estrogenize them.
I don't want guilt ridden, shamed-for-being-male, emasculated, soy boys everywhere, any more than I want violent, ego driven, competative, hating-their-own-femininity, feminist narcy, arseholes running and ruining the place!!!!
Stop it nasty, mysotestic feminists! Why isn't THAT evil arsehole in jail for calling for arson TWO DAYS BEFORE OUR COUNTRY STARTS TO BURN.TO THE GROUND? I don't think it's a coincidence.

We are infected with nasty, feminist, irrational and dishonest lefty politics here and IT SUCKS.

 

[Sideways]

Try and be gentle with yourself. The stress of these fires is relentless. We've been living this shit every day for months now, and the news every day is just a string of places overwhelmed by fire, and it's seriously stressful.

Add to that the other series of misadventures that your kiddos faced right on Christmas? Slow down wherever you can and be gentle with yourself.

two days before our country started to burn to the ground, and it's been burning ever since.

I think the anger behind this statement is totally justified. But maybe keep it real. The fires had already well and truly started in many parts way before that horrendously inept and partisan episode went to air. We know that some fires have been started by arson. That's true.

But we also know that many have been started by dry lightening (in particular - that's been a nightmare this bushfire season), spontaneously combusting compost and manure during the heatwaves (yup, that's a real thing), and this new phenomenon of 'ember storms' which have blown the BOM's ability to accurately predict the fire behaviours almost impossible for the first time ever.

I relate to the frustration and wanting someone to blame. Someone to direct the anger at. But I think maybe under the anger, there's more complex stuff. Harder emotions like fear, and vulnerability. Because it's scary as hell (can't face the front page of the papers atm - and the pic of the kid, face mask on, steering his family away in the boat with the backdrop of a bright red night sky, will never leave me), and we're incredibly vulnerable.

This time though, it's vulnerability to something that we can't treat, or heal from, or battle through. No matter what we do right now - other than plan for the worst and hope for the best - makes one bit of difference to whether we get lucky, or whether we end up being the ones staring armageddon in the face.

So, be gentle with yourself. Take time out every day for you. And stay safe. Big hugs to you Mums - you haven't come this far, to only come this far, yeah?:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

My ex has been twisting the knife in. My 24 yr old, who was already undernourished (vegan), underweight and symptomatic with c-PTSD, planning his death and taking way too much Xanax, got his jaw broken by a random, Byron Bay bully and can't eat now. He wanted to come to my bday party at his sister's but was too weak to get there, he's lost 12kg. I came home, exhausted, after seeing my other son, who is in acute mental health hospital care, and made him some beautiful mushroom soup and sent it down to him.
I just heard his dad threw out the soup. He's trying to starve my beautiful young adult man-child. That son is his "narcissistic supply victim" now that he gaslit my oldest son so much, it was a GOOD THING he finally took my son into the clinic. A good thing, I could have no way of expecting that he would even do it. He has done FAR WORSE to me and my second born son when he sent us around the twist literally driving us to psychosis .
I AM SO SCARED FOR MY 24yr old SON RIGHT NOW. He is, literally, starving him. This is torture for me. He still gets to torture me.
I am hurting and frightened for my child.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @mumstheword )))
Hugs and Prayers to you and your family... You are doing a great job of helping your children into adulthood!

I'm so sorry that your son is in still in the hands of that man who has no soul! There WILL be a turnaround soon! I feel it! ??????

I can't imagine living where it's so brutally hot and burning on a 24/7 basis and in so many places!?

Keep up the good work! You are an inspiration to me!?

 

[Freida]

Just a reminder.......you have overcome more in one lifetime than most people would face in four and you still stayed a kind, loving, caring, amazing person who is relatively sane. And you are helping every one of your kids escape from hell. Not one of two....the whole damn flock!

You will save this one too...I have faith in you. So take a step back, take a deep breath, do some long overdue self care and remember that you are freaking awesome.

Then, after you have recharged, you can get back in the fight. :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like he's almost at the point of needing a feeding tube. Is there any chance of getting him back to hospital?

Certainly the policy here at public hospitals is that you stay in until your BMI is at least 17.

 

[mumstheword]

Sounds like he's almost at the point of needing a feeding tube. Is there any chance of getting him back to hospital?

Certainly the policy here at public hospitals is that you stay in until your BMI is at least 17.

I just texted what you said about policy of admission if your BMI is under 17. I told him that I am worried and frightened for him and asked him if he wanted a lift to hospital. I think he's due for a check.up on monday anyway. He has a deep fear and dislike of hospitals tanked up by dad, plus non satisfactory experiences with medicos, but mainly an attitude that's not really grateful or helpful that he needs to work through.
Plus the high pot dependancy, doesn't help with bothering to eat, or leave the house, or do anything, much, it certainly doesn't help free him from the dad's control.

Also much and many, many thanks @Freida, @AngelkeeperJ and you @Sideways for the comforting, complimentary words and support. It does help.
I'm not peaking quite so much today. It doesn't help that I just went low carb and that includes the 1 to 2 to 3 or whatever glasses of wine a day that had crept in over the holiday season. My third day teetotalling today.
And I ran out of my NADH pills that were really helping and I can't get them again. Stupid iherb website doesn't work anymore.
So I'm losing my shit pretty easily, at the moment.
I am out of the habit of self care with all that's been going on and I really need to get back to my yoga. It's soooooooo hot though!!!!
Thanks heaps though guys!!!!! :):):):)

 

[mumstheword]

Rang my oldest daughter after not getting through to sons. She reiterated what my guy tells me all the time, about not going into recue mode coz it's not helpful. That he (my 24 yr old) has to hit his own wall or whatever low point that will give him a wake up call, because he's just not receptive or really taking personal responsibility or being appreciative of me putting so much energy in, it seems.

She spoke to him yesterday and said he's fine. Except, I know, his dad IS starving him, because she said he was cranky there is no stuff to make smoothies with, in the house. But he didn't even.eat the soup I sent down, anyway. Well he ate a tiny bit after my guy tempted him to, telling him how delicious it was. But that was way later than when I sent it down.

This is partly the drugs thing. He takes drugs and ignores his body.

I just hate the thought of him being so weak and spacey and susceptible to his dad's evil, manipulative and crazy making bs.
I've been there, that's the problem, but I.know he doesn't dare be so cruel and abusive to the kid's, as he was to me.

It's that he is so Machiavellian, it's scary. He's a very sneaky abuser.

My daughter is not buying his shit anymore, like she used to. She is free and happy in a new and empowered way and will never be under his sway like she was, because she is drug free now. She is doing well and I can.give her support in a way that doesn't fritter away my giving energy, because she is fully present, grateful and a very mature young woman, in many ways.

Both my daughter's are much easier to give support to, my sons who are under dad's influence, are not really fully present. They are still kind of sleep walking and invested in the dad's paradigm, which is upsetting for me. They mostly ignore me, unless they are in crisis and then it's like they use me for the emergency reason and then go back to discarding me.

I hope my oldest doesn't go back to doing that, after he gets out of hospital.

My autistic son is easier to let it go, but my 21 and 24 yr old? well It's hurtful.

My guy hates the crappy way they have always treated me. I used to not really notice, because I didn't ever learn.to expect better, but, now, my.oldest daughter is telling me to get mad, to not accept that treatment, to exercise better boundaries, and she is saying that all.her brother's are quite rude and selfish, like their dad and that I should let the boys know that that way of treating people is not ok.

I'm kind of scared of losing them again, though. But,......
Oh 24 yr old just texed me a lovely text saying he's ok snd not to worry. Oh the soup he did eat, he said it was the best sloppy soup he's ever had :-).