" The Laundry Must Be Folded This Way", " The Floor Must Be Mopped That Way"

[I'll make tea]

A question for the sufferers. My husband has a gazillion of rules regarding how thinks must be done, how the laundry must be folded, how shoes must be polished, how to shower, how to buckle a belt, how long a trousers must be.

For example I am wearing my trousers "too long" and my husband will remind me from time to time + when we happened to see a guy with sagging pants he went "look at this guy, they will not need to sweep the floor after he walked there". :eek: I was afraid of getting my nose broken as that guy did not look peaceful:eek::confused::hungover::hungover::eek:

When I am for example mopping the floor my hubby sometimes tells me that I did not do it the correct way + it must be done again + starts cleaning it. This is so degrading.

I understand that in the military they need to pay some attention to spit and polish + that cleaning is helpful to deal with stress / relax. Do you, as a sufferer, do this too?

Could you give me some more insights?

 

[Lucycat]

Sounds a bit asperger-ish to me. Rules not to be broken. Black and white. No empathy for how it affects you or others.

Regardless of why, if it is affecting your relationship it needs addressing. Therapy sounds like a good idea.

 

[I'll make tea]

My husband is seeing a therapist.

I am interested in how a floor that had been cleaned the wrong way makes you feel as a sufferer. Why is that so bad for him?

 

[Hashi]

I don't have this with cleaning floors or the other things you mentioned, but there are one or two things that bother me. For example I have a divided holder for knives, forks, spoons and teaspoons and I keep one type of thing in each section. When other people put things away, they mix them all up so every section has a jumble of everything.

It upsets my sense of order. It feels wrong and makes me unsettled. When they're all sorted and divided up, it feels like it's complete and how it should be and I don't have to think about it. When they've been jumbled up by someone else I don't feel peaceful in my mind.

I'm afraid to say I also think the person who put them in jumbled is a bit dumb. There are already forks only in one section, and knives only in another section. What sort of person would put a knife in the fork section? Why would you have things mixed up so it's hard to find them?

Having said that, I don't inflict this on anyone else. I recognise that this is my issue, not theirs. I just quietly fix it later lol. After they've left, that is - they don't know. In situations where I share the space with others, like at work, I let it go. I accept that it's not for me to dictate what other people do, and it's not important anyway.

Even in my own home, I don't tell anyone to do it differently or take over the task myself. That is very controlling... too controlling. If I'm generous I would say that it's a response to a high level of stress, to want to bring order to what you can because there are so many things you can't bring order to. But I still don't think it's acceptable to behave in that way towards other people. If I'm not generous I would say this is bordering on abusive behaviour, especially if it's done in an aggressive, patronising or humiliating way.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thanks for explaining that.

So if your spoons are not where they are supposed to be it feels like there is disorder and because there are so many things you can't get order to it makes you feel bad? Did I get this right?

Hubby is actually a very friendly guy... but order is important to him and I feel huminlated if he cleans a floor again after I cleaned it... on the other hand I do not want him to feel bad about the floor and I understand PTSD is sometimes hard to deal with for the sufferer.

 

[franciemarnie]

Sometimes I will get upset over something, which upon reflection, I know is trivial. For me a lot of the time it is because the PTSD has me in a constant sense of tension, of things seeming perilously "not right".

Things are right, but my stress hormones and hypervigilant state give me the sense that things are wrong and I unconsciously look in my environment for the cause. I may feel that if my husband - say - would wash his hands after food prep, the knobs on the kitchen doors wouldn't feel cruddy to the touch and I will get irrationally nuts about it. It will appear way out of proportion to me because my stress hormones are way out of proportion. But I get an absurd sense that if he didn't do that I would feel tremendously calmer. (It doesn't really increase my sense of calm much when he does in fact do as I ask.)

So I am saying it's possible that the PTSD person may be irrationally making a big deal of something that doesn't warrant that kind of focus. They are unknowingly trying to maybe fix the internal with an external. That's what happens with me anyway.

I am pretty good now at not seeing the small things my wonderful husband does as the reason I feel nuts. But I have to be vigilant about watching my reactions. He is such a great person, as you sound to be too!

 

[digger]

When you tell him you feel humiliated by it, what does he do/say?

 

[Hashi]

So if your spoons are not where they are supposed to be it feels like there is disorder and because there are so many things you can't get order to it makes you feel bad?

Yes, that's a good way of putting it.

Maybe there's something about communication? I wouldn't like someone telling me I'd done something the wrong way, then correcting it. But if they owned that they had a compulsion around it and it wasn't wrong but simply "not their way" I would feel differently.

 

[I'll make tea]

When you tell him you feel humiliated by it, what does he do/say?

A number of different things. He said that he likes to have his things in order (he considers to cleaness of our house "his business" for some reason) and that he cleans the floor the right way because it gives him the feeling that it's a job well done. He also said when people comming to our house they might judge us by how the floor looks (Yeah, just what every guest always controlls first) / how tidy everything is.
He also suggested I should watch him mob the floor so that I learn how it should be done.

He blamed of taking everything to a personal level - "this is not about you. It is about the floor".

Let me please assure you that I am not untidy by any means. It is him.

 

[digger]

(he considers to cleaness of our house "his business" for some reason)

I'm going to be blunt. If he considers it his business and doesn't think you do it right then tell him to do it himself from the off. If he's just going to do it again anyway then he might as well and it will leave you free to do other things. Win-win.

He also suggested I should watch him mob the floor so that I learn how it should be done.

Okay, that's not PTSD, that's being an asshole.

Let me please assure you that I am not untidy by any means. It is him.

I'm glad you are able to recognise this. I'm sorry that he doesn't appear to be able to recognise this. Like @Hashi said about owning your own problems.

 

[I'll make tea]

I would do that. I don't like cleaning... but I am a homemaker and he works full time. It's not an option.
I don't want him to do a lot of cleaning, because he works a lot, he has trouble sleeping + is already exhausted enough.

I am trying to find out what neatness means to him, because I want to understand him better.

 

[Venusian]

Has he been diagnosed with PTSD? What you are describing is not included in any list of PTSD symptoms that I have ever read. He could have another disorder that is causing his compulsion, such as OCD that has already been mentioned. That is something that should be discussed with a therapist.

 

[Hashi]

I'll make tea, I'd suggest you don't try to learn to do it his way - for his sake actually. When someone enables one of my compulsions, the compulsions escalate. It really feeds them. Everything gets worse.

 

[Abstract]

I would consider what Digger said regardless as you need to set a boundary for your own sake as you deserve to be treated differently.

Regardless of the reasoning he needs to start dealing with this differently. Obsessive behaviour like this doesn't have to be about PTSD and can be found in those with OCD and other control issues. Obsessions/compulsions and controlling behaviour are means of attempting to take control of anxiety through something tangible. Essentially externalising things that are actually about something else. The trouble is that it is a false satisfaction and not helpful for the person themselves long term.

Pandering to compulsions of all types tends to feed them. He won't thank you for challenging him but it is in both your interests to do so.

He needs to start facing the real source of his emotions and stop displacing them in order to get true peace and healing.

There is a second issue here though. He also shows signs of making others responsible for his emotional state rather than taking ownership of it. That too is not good for either of you.