" The Laundry Must Be Folded This Way", " The Floor Must Be Mopped That Way"

[rightkindofme]

My husband and I have different, complimentary areas of hyperfocus on cleaning stuff. Different things bother us. We have decided that the only rational solution is that the person who *really cares* is the one who needs to take responsibility for a given task.

It sounds like your husband is being pretty inappropriate.

 

[scout86]

The way I can rationalize this having something to do with PTSD is that (and maybe especially in the military) rules are created for reasons and often those reasons are related to safety. Maybe, on some level, playing by his rules makes him feel "safe". Having said THAT, I also think it's quite possible this is something else.

He sounds a lot like my mom. My ex-sister-in-law once called me and asked how I prepared for the inspection that went with a visit from my mother. I told her I always make sure to leave something obviously "wrong" so she could find it right away and be done with it. Because she WILL keep looking until she finds something and the first rule of the game is, she will ALWAYS find something.

I agree, he needs to be in charge of cleaning. That's one of MY rules. "What ever resident of the house is most particular about something, THEY are in charge of getting it done "right" and they are not allowed to pick on others who may have "lesser" standards."

Personally, I HATE rules. (Possibly because I grew up around my mother! LOL)

 

[Hashi]

When I got a new carpet in my flat, I was having tea with a friend and really stressing over the idea of spilling it and spoiling the carpet. She suggested we throw our tea on the floor and get it over with. I was half laughing and half tempted to take her up on the idea.

I relaxed about it after that. This is an example on a small scale but it's the same principle of what I mean about not feeding the compulsion. If my friend had responded with saucers and extra care I'd probably have continued stressing and restricting what I did even more.

 

[Abstract]

In relation to is it PTSD or not this is the way I see it: PTSD is about the diagnostic criteria and even then different people will present in different ways within those. A big part of PTSD is feeling unsafe and having very high levels of anxiety.

A spin-off of having high anxiety and feeling unsafe is various unhelpful ways of coping. That goes for those with PTSD but also those without PTSD but with high anxiety or who feel unsafe. These tend to be a way of attempting to manage and feel able to tolerate intense emotional states. Typical unhelpful attempts at coping are addictions (drugs, alcohol etc), OCD (ruminations, obsessions, compulsions), controlling behaviour, eating disorders, self harming behaviours, too much dissociation etc.

So it is not going to be PTSD but it will be fairly common for a certain amount of those with PTSD because of the terrible feelings of lack of safety and the intense emotional states that come with it.

Things can almost verge on delusions sometimes with conditions such as OCD, eating disorders etc. If we allow something to continue unchallenged we can actually be saying to someone that what they think is accurate and reinforce the delusion. Challenging needs to be done non aggressively of course!

But it sounds like the first step for your guy will be getting some sense of self awareness and taking ownership of his own issues!

 

[I'll make tea]

Yes, my husband does have PTSD. I know that is not on the list of symptoms, but he does have symptoms that are on the list such as insomnia + avoiding crowds.

He sometimes cleans to combat his PTSD: going to sleep is stressful for him so he gets up again and cleans and orders thinks until he feels less stressed.

I have met other Vets who did the same thing.

 

[Abstract]

I hope you realise I was not doubting that he has PTSD I'll make tea.

I have met other Vets who did the same thing.

So it is not going to be PTSD but it will be fairly common for a certain amount of those with PTSD

 

[digger]

He sometimes cleans to combat his PTSD: going to sleep is stressful for him so he gets up again and cleans and orders thinks until he feels less stressed.

That's understandable, but what is important here, for both of you, is that he recognises that he is using it as a coping strategy.

 

[I'll make tea]

He does understand that he sometimes uses it as a coping strategy. He doesn't however understand that his neatness is always over the top and that he does not have the right to order me to clean certain things in a certain way.

 

[digger]

It sounds to me from your posts that he is somewhat in denial of his PTSD. Do you think this is the case?

 

[I'll make tea]

Yes, he is very private about it and didn't even talk to me when we were already married... and I figured there was something odd about his behaviour but never really knew what was up with him and when I asked he just smiled and gave an evasive answer.
I am happy we finally did communicate.

 

[digger]

I think also what comes across in your posts is your keeness to understand his PTSD, and I really admire you for that. I think he is a lucky man to have you. But I also think that maybe it is him, more perhaps than you, who needs to work on understanding his own condition more?[DOUBLEPOST=1389458836][/DOUBLEPOST]I do understand why he might be resisting doing that though.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally over the past 35 years my live in boyfriend and both husbands have expressed "preferences". On self exploration, I found I had often, no preference for how the towels were folded, how things were done per se unless they weren't clean. It was, I decided up to me to decide which I wanted to focus on ultimately because personally I had no big problem with how things were done as long as they were done at all.

It is to me a question of what I am focusing on. Am I valuing or belittling the person? It does not mean I sign up to a whole bunch of criticism if I do not do something a preferred way. I make that pretty clear up front. But if I have no preference, I most always will give over to my partner's preference as an expression of valuing him.

Just saying.