The New Guy I'm Dating

[Deleted member 38242]

So this guy is perfect for where I am in life. Funny, smart, sweet, and just a gret guy. Were not going for marriage, or legal coitments, but we do have such a good time together.
He has no idea I have PTSD, or much about my life. I don't know what to say about it, and have managed to never tell anyone. But, that distroyes all relationships. He is sleeping in the next room, and tonight is a bad night. I don't know how much, or what I should tell him. Some of it I never will. I don't know. I like his company, and who he is. I just don't know what to say about my condition.
I don't want him to rescue me, or even help with this area of my life, but it probably will have to come up
at some point. Any advice will help, or experiences. I've always ruined dating because of hiding my secrets, so I don't seem damaged. That is until the secrets make me ghost out, or end it. I like this one and want to be real without putting it on them in any way. Anyone have thoughts I'd like to hear them...

 

[anonymous]

Well, I know this sounds difficult, but you could just tell him you have PTSD.

 

[anonymous]

ETA: no snark meant. I know it can be difficult to avoid telling the origin, but you really don't have to.

 

[Killashandra]

I think this is a vital piece of information that needs to be disclosed. Then it's up to him.
But to keep it to your self is unfair to him, specially if you trigger unexpectedly or disassociate. If he has at least a basic knowledge of it then he has the opportunity to realise that it's not him... ( I did this when I met my husband , full disclosure, it has saved our relationship a number of time I can tell you! :O_o: )

One more thing.... why feel shame and guilt or whatever about telling this Man, that you have had a hard run of it in life??.. PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of, in all its warped shapes and forms. It means we survived.

If he understands that... then he's a keeper! If not then his bad luck isn't it.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I guess jsut saying i have ptsd is fine, and not going into the details. I think this is important for all my friendships. I think past a certain level of closeness its important. Not getting into details is important for me I guess. Thanks for the advice. Socially it can be awkward to feel like I'm hiding something, and there is a point where it is a blatant lie not to tell someone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Tell him you have PTSD but tell him that you aren't comfortable saying why yet but the why may come as you feel comfortable sharing. Advise him, though, of the symptoms that may present and how they may present. That way he isn't going in blind. I worry it may make him leave but its not fair to not tell him.

 

[Glara]

When my sufferer starting pulling away I didnt understand it and thought he was playing games. I wrote him an email breaking it off. He got very upset and emotional about that and I ended up apologizing, but I had no idea why. Finally, a few days later he told me he had ptsd. Naturally I asked why. He answered the basic reason and said he didn't like to talk about it, but then he gave an example. I never asked for that. The basic reason was sufficient. I don't need details unless he wants to talk about it. While I have a knack for helping people talk about their problems I, in no way, want to be his counselor. I will support him 100% and I needed to understand his diagnosis in order to understand his behavior, but I do not want to try to fix him.

I think it's important to be open to a person you have a sincere interest in because otherwise they will get the wrong message. I would have left a long time ago because I thought he was just playing games. You certainly don't have to tell everyone date but if it's someone you'd like to get a little more involved with, I don't see how you can avoid telling them. It's made me respect him even more because I know how much harder things are for him and how much he's overcome.

 

[Blue Survivor]

I don't know how long you have been dating this guy, but I'd suggest telling him that you have PTSD.

Yes, that means he might freak out & run. A lot of people don't understand PTSD. But think of your relationship so far: you've had a lot of fun together, so I'm sure he likes you enough to spend time with and have fun with you. So I think it sounds like he might be open to continue to dating you after you disclose that you have PTSD. Who knows? Maybe he'll turn out to be Mr Right!

If you don't want to tell him straight-out, you can try what I did once with a guy I had dated: I mentioned a current event (at the time, the idiot NFL player Ray Rice knocking out his wife in the elevator) to him and waited for a response.

I was hoping he would NOT say something along the lines of: "She should have listened" or "She shouldn't have been acting that way," and he did not, thank goodness. His said she should have left him immediately but THEN he added that it was 'ridiculous for people like her to have mental problems after they leave because it's done & over with.' That told me all I needed to know, unfortunately.