The Nightmare Is Over! How I Did It......

[coastalgardens73]

I can't believe it. I feel as though I have woken up from a long, long nightmare.

I know posting this information might be looked at as irresponsible or reckless by some people, but if even one more person is helped by this message it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Read the below and take with a word of caution. I am not recommending you do all of this, as each person will likely have to find their own way to cope. But the below is what worked for me.

I was in a traumatic accident in 2006. I had many issues, but finally had a little bit of knowledge about what was wrong when I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009.

Initially I refused help, but ended up going to a talk therapist. It helped a bit.
I also started treatment with generic paxil. That also helped a bit. I also kept out of extremely stressful situations which caused my anxiety to peak, and loved to take nature walks and work with animals.

I wasn't cured, however, and attempted to self-medicate (nothing illegal.) I tried various things, and ended up taking Dextromethorophan Hyrdobromide. Yes, it was a last resort and I didn't care much for it at first, but I was at the end of my rope. "Robotripping" is what kids call it apparently, and I tried it to distance my self from the physical and emotional pain I was in. But this was what was interesting:

I didn't want to overdose and have permanent problems later, so I started out slow. Over the period of days, then weeks, I took greater and greater amounts, while sitting in a dark quiet room. Occasionally I had a slight panic attack (not too bad) afterwards, and really strange periods of 'deja vu' which made me think of the Matrix movies. Finally one day I started to think the following while on a 'trip'-

I'm forgetting who I am.... Who am I? Oh, I am a human female.... my name is XXXXX and my parents are XXXXX. There is a whole world out there, that was there before I was born, and will be there after I am gone. I hope I don't permanently forget who I am, but the relaxed feeling is nice.... And everything will be OK, because none of my decisions will cause the end of the world.

And that was it. I noticed that over the next several days things were changing, and I was no longer afraid and no longer panicked. It had ended. I had awoken.

Again, I am NOT trying to say go dose yourself up, as I have had courses in chemistry and toxicology, and was extremely careful in starting with low doses and working myself up without coming anywhere near toxic levels. I am only saying that ALL of the things I did as a whole ended up working- all accumulating over the course of several years.

Just know that there is an end to it. You are not alone.

 

[Zipperhead]

Veterans Only Community here Coastal. And Im not so sure I got the changing point there. The cure is deciding not to do the self medication thing?

 

[Ned]

Don't need this. Reported

 

[coastalgardens73]

Yes, I am a vet, and the initial treatment and therapy was through the VA. My main point with the self medication is if you are going to attempt it, be very careful .

Oh, and I don't reccommend alcohol with the above, it makes for a really bad anxiety attack which lasts for about a day or so.

 

[Zipperhead]

I get it now. The nightmare was the self medication bit. You are not claiming to have discovered a cure to PTSD. Got it.

 

[coastalgardens73]

You are correct, I do not even come close to claiming that I have found a cure. What I found was a combination of things that helped me find peace.

Which I suppose leads me to my second point, if you try things that do not work for you, keep trying. Do not give up, do not land yourself in jail, and do not take anything to the point of poisoning yourself .

 

[JarHed]

if you try things that do not work for you, keep trying

Hey CG

Good point and Welcome to the forums.

JarHed

 

[coastalgardens73]

Thanks JarHed.

I know at times people may feel like giving up, hell, I know deep down I even had thoughts of suicide that I never really admitted to myself , much less the VA, which I had a long mistrust .

But no matter how bad the demons get, remember the old saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No one really knows how long you will be plagued, and no one has a permanent solution just for you, so it's your job to keep working at your own solution . Use all the services at your disposal , even if you initially don't like the thought of trying them. Sooner or later something , or even a complex combination of several things will get you to the end.

 

[JarHed]

Hey CG

Good words and I agree. You have to be pro-active in your own care. And you can't be afraid to make changes as needed. The beauty of this place is that there are many people that have tried many things, some worked others didn't. What may be a solution for one may not be for another. Information is the key, getting it and then making the best decision you can at the time. It's mostly poke and hope. And as you've said, keep trying.

Jar

 

[coastalgardens73]

Thanks, I only came here to offer hope and support, as I have been through what you have (for the most part.) I apologize for the lack of intro, I suppose a bit of paranoia does come in every now and then. Talking through issues seems to be one of the best ways I have been able to work through things. If you want to know anything just ask.

As hard as it is to trust all of the doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists, if you are feeling lost or helpless it is always worth a shot. I am no doctor or lawyer, I can only offer my experiences and hope something in those experiences will work for someone else as well, as people sometimes tend to be more alike than we want to admit. Usually it's people that have never been in a similar situation that feel free to criticize and judge, and may not be as willing to help.

As I noticed in another post here somewhere, I did not fully disclose everything to the VA therapists, as I never really developed that full trust and I never felt an overwhelming need to tell them every aspect of my life. Among the many things I didn't tell them was the suicidal thoughts (thought I might be committed) or any possible illegal activities (going back to what I said about keeping yourself out of jail.) I suppose if you really feel the need to talk about what happened in the past, you might consider as someone else suggested and only discuss "things you saw, things you witnessed" but personally I'd get real fuzzy about names and dates. Sometimes the ol' memory just doesn't work that well.

 

[Zipperhead]

Names and dates aren't my forte either. But I have told my psycologist about stuff better left unsaid. I don't really know why. Possibly I was trying to shock her. More likely I was doing the poor me thing and trying to show her how hopeless a case I was. She took it in stride and never mentioned it again. I think that's thier job really. Let you get it out and move on. Maybe I just have an overly trust worthy therapist.

 

[coastalgardens73]

You're right, Zipperhead, I came to see government/VA employees as just any other people, working any other job. You may get some that are good at their job, while you may get one that sucks. Some people are worth trusting more than others, and you may end up coming across one that you'd like to throw under a bus.

It probably doesn't matter the reason why you tell them what you tell them, the main point could be just talking about what matters to you the most along with learning how to feel secure in your environment once again. For each person that will definitely take different places, people, locations, and possibly medications to get that feeling of safety back where you do not panic or get paranoid. I can't even say that I will NEVER get those attacks again, just that I have learned what it takes for me to feel that way.