Relationship The Old Push-away

[Foxtrot]

Here's one I'm sure you have all dealt with. Advice on response to: "There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep from hurting you and right now I don't see how I can be around you and not hurt your heart. This is why I think you might be better off with someone else." I've heard that several times during a span of several particularly difficult weeks for my GF and I have simultaneously gotten some amazing demonstrations of love as well. A real rollercoaster, but I'd like to hear some thoughts out the old push-away and how to respond when your loved one is asking you to go.

 

[Angus McGee]

The one I got, after 20 years of marriage is "You deserve better than me. You need to let me go."

The reply I gave was "The person I need is you, healthy. Let's get you better. I'll be there for whatever you need. Hold your hand, listen to you, get off work early to help with our son (we have a 1 yo)."

Her reply was "thank you".

Not an emotional, "Oh.. thank you SO much! That's exactly what I needed to hear!"

It was a "thank you", like I was a waiter bringing her food to the table.

:sigh:

 

[May1321]

Not that I "like" it Foxtrot but definitely have heard it over and over again lately - the telling me I'd be better with someone else. Last night was word for word what you mentioned above... Along with, "I can't ask you to wait while I get better." As well as, "I don't know if I want to get better. Even if I do, my life is not normal." I just say - "you take care of you and let me take care of me". He'll disappear if he really wants to, and I'll move on when and if that time comes. Unfortunately, not much more we can say (or argue with) but that what we do is our choice and you choose to be there for her, or you don't.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just said, "O.k." ... yet still too afraid to break that glass.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think he would leave, May. Especially if he's saying he feels like that. I would guess he'd be devastated, but he would leave.

 

[May1321]

Yea, Junebug, and Thank You. No need to tamper with that for me right now, and in such a negative manner. It's not worth the pain it would cause either of us. Best to just let this life take it's course.

 

[Foxtrot]

Thanks for this. Well, we keep keeping on. I got more of the same this morning and some blame for not being there for her when I was off on a business trip and for me being 'different' this last month. Thing is, in the center of my being I know it's the right thing to do to stay. I've heard "thanks" when I tell her I love her too, and once in a while, we sing like the angels; everything just clicks. Right now, I'm staying the course knowing that at some point, she'll either get the help she needs or I will decide I've had enough.

 

[rtk]

Wow....I feel like I'm reading my own story. I took it so personally, and couldn't understand why he would say these things. Thank you folks, for helping me see this is another part of the illness. Next time I will have a much different reaction, and maybe be better able to support him. Thank you again.