Relationship The Only Person I Want Is My Wife, But Intimacy Has Gone

[amethist]

Hi NPS

I have been reading your post's though not replied till now.

I am wondering if any one has ever mentioned to you, that Intimacy can be one of the first things to disappear and one of the last to come back, when depression hits. I know it is tough when this happens, and it has been a long time for you. But if intimacy is the cause of her PTSD (Not from you, but forced in the past), then she may never feel able to be intimate with anyone again.

I don't want to sound negative, but you may have to think about this and realise this is how it's going to be. Sorry if this hits a raw nerve for you, but I am trying to be honest with you.

Surely if you think about it, intimacy can just be the icing on the cake, and is not all a marriage is based on. There are other and more important aspects that must come first.

Amethist

 

[catjudo]

There are so many things I want to say in response to this thread, but I'm not in the best frame of mind so I'll tread lightly for now and just point out a couple of things. I don't want to say something to upset or offend you. Please remember, I am responding from the position of a PTSD sufferer with, what sounds like, a background at least somewhat similar to your wife's. I do not have the perspective of being a PTSD carer.

She told me there is a reason why she blocked out much of her past and that she dosent want to go back there. I replied to move forward one has to go to that incident and move past it with the help of a professional and a loving husband and home environment.

Yes, your wife must face her past trauma in order to heal and move forward. However, that does not mean, IMO, that she must recall traumatic memories that have been blocked from her memory. She can work on processing the things she does remember and the rest will hopefully fall into place. By working on processing her trauma, those repressed memories may return to her. But if she is feeling pressured to force herself to remember something, I don't think that's good. She's right, she blocked those things for a reason. It won't feel safe for her to remember those things if someone (you or her therapist, whatever the case may be) is trying to force those memories to return.

I think you seem like you've been wonderfully supportive, but I would question if there isn't a certain amount of exaggeration on your part.

So I should be preparing for divorce?? This is crazy! I have been more than patient (sexless marriage for 8 yrs).

No offense, but if you have two children, ages 4 and 6, then it has not been a sexless marriage for 8 years. Like amethist said, there is more to a marriage than intimacy. Also try to remember that there is more to intimacy than sex. If you love your wife, and you really sound like you do, then show her that you're going to continue to support her no matter how long it takes for her to heal.

 

[NPS]

Hi catjudo
I fully agree that intamacy is not just sex, and that is not what i am looking for. I want to hold hands, cuddle, kiss, hug etc. I want to go on a date with her. I am not interested in just sex. I want a wife not a business partner who helps run the daily operations. I feel like I have given her all the tools to help herself and am very supportive but there is only so much I can do. I know alot of ptsd suferrs are reading this and getting upset. Because I am not a ptsd sufferer i truely do not know what is going on in her head or others. To get specific we do have two children but I can count on both hands the number of times we have had sex in 8 yrs, that is why I say sexless marriage. At this point I do not even want to have sex with her ( i have been rejected so many times) I want her to sit on the couch next to me and put her arm around me. I dont want people here thinking i am a contrilling hypersexed husband, quite the opposite. I am just trying to make sense of all of this. I am also not pressuring her to go to therapy, i just help her get there. Please dont make me out to be the bad guy!

 

[catjudo]

It won't feel safe for her to remember those things if someone (you or her therapist, whatever the case may be) is trying to force those memories to return.

I think you seem like you've been wonderfully supportive

If you love your wife, and you really sound like you do, then show her that you're going to continue to support her no matter how long it takes for her to heal.

I don't really feel up to engaging in a back-and-forth at the moment, and don't feel that it would be particularly productive. I would say that I was merely trying to offer another perspective and only had your own words to go by. Your thread title talks about wanting intimacy, but in your post you asked if you hadn't been patient enough going through eight years of sexless marriage. I only had your own words to go by and was merely pointing out that one can have one without the other. As I stated, my intention was not to upset or offend you. That being said, if what you took away from my post was that I was to trying to make you out to be the bad guy, then you didn't really get what I was trying to convey.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear NPS

I am sure no one sees you as a bad guy, but in fact rather (if I may say so) an overwhelmed and concerned husband, (who wouldn't be here if you didn't care) trying to make sense of things that are very difficult to understand. The others here, too, are trying to help you by being direct and honest, I think. There are, unfortunately, no easy answers.

One thing comes to me: all of what has been said is true and accurate, but 2 words that help me sometimes put things in perspective is 'time', and 'patience' (and 'patience patience patience'). "Time" has to go out the window, IMHO. It does, and will, require a tremendous amount of self-sacrifice, forgiveness and exponential understanding and tenderness on your part.

I do not mean to infer that you have not suffered for 8 years, but 'today' is all any of us have to start from. And our feelings- or the intensity of them- changes every day. It will be up to your wife to work to accept, heal and manage this on a daily basis, and only the 2 of you can (ultimately) decide what is best for both of you in terms of your relationship.

I know the feeling of wanting a solution and wanting it NOW- I've beaten my head against a brick wall enough times in that regard (always feeling frustrated and worse about myself every time I couldn't 'create' one, btw); unfortunately, learning about and managing PTSD for both a sufferer and carer is like 'peeling an onion', like they say- just when you think it all makes sense you have to start all over again at a different level and/ or a different perspective.

But just know this, however 'well' or 'ill' your wife is coping, it likely has less to do with you, and more to do with the fact the very questions you have expressed are exactly (some of) the fears that are exactly on her mind, as well. That is what I mean by 'too much too soon': the memories will come when she is ready, or never, or for the rest of her life. The difference is, hopefully she will be able to recognize them by then for what they are, reduce the extent or time of their effect on her, and carry on. With happiness again in her life, ideally. She may very well not have the 'words' to express to her Therapist that this whole process is becoming overwhelming.

I am sure, however, that the one thing that she cannot bear is more stress, even if it is the best-intentioned. I am sure that she wants to be 'rid' of this and have a 'normal' life even more than you want her to. There can be terrible grief involved the day you realize this is permanent- for both sufferers and carers, because it is an exhausting and very frightening way to have to live, I have experienced.

It very definitely can and does get better though, if you are willing to try- even in the smallest way, to face it. But you can only encourage her, and the best way to do that is also to keep learning about this yourself, I think it will bring you great relief, because neither one of you is alone, you are both a part of (your) relationship.

 

[NPS]

Thanks junebug, catjudo and everyone else. looks like I will be here for a while.

 

[Tessa]

Hi NPS,

I'm sorry you are both having such a difficult time. A few things come to mind :

It is often important for the sufferer to feel in control as they have often been overpowered in their trauma.
Often a side effect of anti-depressants is lowered libido.
It may be worth doing hormone studies as an imbalance can also cause lowered libido.
Sexual healing often comes in small steps,as you have mentioned,by just holding hands or a dinner for two.
Perhaps she would benefit from an activity outside the home to help her connect more with people (you mentioned a stay at home mum).
If she needs a break from therapy I would let her as it may have become overwhelming.

Take care
Tessa

 

[Ellen]

Hi. I was seeing a psychoanalytic/psychoanalytic male therapist for 3 years, and it did me far more harm than good. They're into the attachment/regression thing which makes you very dependent and vulnerable, like you were when you were abused as a kid. It can definitely make symptoms worse. There's also the complication of developing an intimate relationship with a man who is not your husband. It nearly killed my marriage, but now that I am not seeing that therapist any more we're starting to build it back up. However, I have sexual anorexia issues, even though I was quite promiscuous way back when. Who knows if that's what's going on with your wife, but hopefully she will find a female therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. Dialectical behavior therapy is really great.

In the meanwhile you need to take care of yourself and your kids. You might need to get into therapy yourself. My husband did and he is just now beginning to realize that he has codependency issues that have contributed to the dysfuncton of our marriage. Support groups like Al-Anon are really helpful too because they help you figure out how to take care of yourself while someone you love is in crisis.

 

[NPS]

Tessa and Ellen, thanks for the suggestions.

My wife's intimacy started to decline BEFORE our wedding. I read somewhere that stress (good or bad) can do this. This was 5 years befoe an antidepressant hit her blood stream. So the antidepressant was not responsible for this (although it didn't help). Also she did have her hormones checked and guess what...everything came back normal. She wants to point to everything except her bad (and quite traumatic) childhood. She has been seeing a male therapist so I can see the issues that might be present with the things Ellen said.

She is a stay at home mom with two very rowdy boys (they are great)! Her stress level is over the top and so is mine. What puzzels me is that throughout this forum the suffers (who know their libidio is diminished) still puts an effort in because they know it is important to thier significant other. With my wife there is NO effort.

 

[NPS]

I have a question for anyone out there. Since I posted last sunday (and the fragile state my wife is in) we had some more traumatic news this week. Her stepmom had passed unexpectetley. When she got the news on wednesday she was numb. I immediatley thought how much more can my wife take at this time? She is currently out of state while I am holding up the home frount (w/kids). Will this set her back even more than before? How will this effect her?

 

[Nicolette]

NPS...I am going to move your thread to the Carers section so you may get better exposure so you get more responses to your questions.

I am sorry for your wife's loss.

 

[amethist]

Hi NPS

I am sorry to hear about your wife's loss.

To answer your questions if this could set her back and how it could effect her, is not an easy one to answer. She could be extremely upset over her loss, which is only to be expected, or she could stay numb for quite a while.

All I can suggest for now is that you let her tell you how she feels in her own time, just let her know that if and when she wants to talk you are there to listen. I would leave everything else for now, but maybe encourage her to go to therapy if possible. Just so she can let out how she is feeling right now, it may help her grieve easier, if that is possible for anyone.

Remember to take care of yourself too, while all this is going on.

Amethist