The Pain Of Positive Attention?

[amosmorris]

I wonder if I'm going to be able to cast this quite right--but I'm looking to connect on this, to get a sense of whether this is something others deal with, too, as it brings me a lot of (weird) pain: positive feedback and attention in certain arenas in my life (esp my professional life) triggers my self-loathing in such an awful, sad way. I am looking to hide, to vanish, to just escape the positive feedback because there's this disconnect between my behaviors--I try to "do the right thing"--and my person--ie who I am or who I feel I am, deep down...and I think, of the person complimenting me: you've basically been snowed....But on even a deeper level, at the end of the day I feel very sad that I can't seem to fully FEEL the good when I do good things and people identify them for me as good things...if that makes sense....? Instead I am dislocated from my actions most of the time. There's "me" the person and then there's me the "set of actions"....and these things aren't really combined or fully integrated if that makes sense. Does it? And if it does, how are you working to overcome this?

 

[PointlessExistence]

I am similar. I'll use my experiences on this forum to illustrate: though I'm eager to see if my posts get any "likes", if and when they do, I feel a weird mix of emotions that leaves me very uncomfortable, almost feeling like I've done something wrong.

 

[amosmorris]

I am similar. I'll use my experiences on this forum to illustrate: Though I'm eager to see i...

Omg, yes. I was trying to tell my therapist the other day about something good that happened to me professionally, and it was so difficulty that I actually had all the same reactions--my heart flying for example, failure of language--that I have trying to talk to her about sexual trauma....Yes, like I've done something wrong/am a bad person in some way--

 

[Recovery4Me]

Trust issues, fears of intimacy and avoidance of positive public attention (lest it go terribly wrong) was quite common for me at one time-infrequent now. So I get part of what you are offering.

how are you working to overcome this?

Did a lot of self help books for boundaries, confident thinking and massive therapy. But first it took a lot of time to understand I deserved more than dealing with the negative stuff that happened. Low self-esteem is a hard one to overcome after what you went through. (((hugs))) But you will believe in you when you are ready.

 

[amosmorris]

Trust issues, fears of intimacy and avoidance of positive public attention (lest it go terribly wro...

Thank you, @Recovery4Me...this is good to hear. I think I'm in the "massive therapy" phase and it's like two steps forward, one or two or three back...go to bed for a while...try again...:(

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yes, I feel awful/ ashamed. More so with compassion, or Idk the word- being treated humanely.

I also get, or feel, zero worth in anything I do. I expect to have to do it well, but I feel nothing from it. I'm not sure if I would call it a fraud, more like part the duplicity of knowing how I feel and how close to the edge I am. It all feels like a house of cards. Or that I'm deceiving others.

 

[amosmorris]

Oh yes, I feel awful/ ashamed. More so with compassion, or Idk the word- being treated humanely.

I also...

It's the connection to the action for me, that's missing--is that the same for you, when you say "worth"? It's like, the action could be a good thing, but I don't believe that it reveals really who I am or is a true representation of who I am...it is, instead, more just evidence that I know how to behave and/or that I try to do things that I think are "good"....even though I can't fully feel the impact of that on myself or as a reflection on/of myself....I think we're saying similar things?

Compassion too--I can dish it out to others, but to receive it...

 

[The ANP]

It takes me ongoing practice to take a compliment. I often have felt like a fraud. With a lot of therapy to change negative cognition and learn to accept (well earned) praise I have found I can. Hope this changes for you too.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes to all of your post above @amosmorris . Except that I would say it reflects so little (read 'none') as to what it says about me that 'professionally' (work-wise) I just feel like a Work Unit.

 

[Tinyflame]

I heard something positive in relation to spilling my guts about a secret, that I wasn't responsible as I thought, felt wonderful like only a few times in my life (amazed), and found myself nearly accidentally offing myself 2 or 3 days later. It was an eye-opener. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Hey, just thought: I've been triggered lately about the same event- I forgot that I wasn't so responsible for as I thought- or at least there were reasons, including I wouldn't have been believed even if I had said something (part of it). I actually, all things considered, couldn't have really changed it. Also, people my age, well, it wouldn't have been likely to be in any way able to handle such a thing. :wideeyed: (eiy, hope that makes sense. )

Thank you @The ANP & @amosmorris ! :) :notworthy: :hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Junebug (((hugs)))

I was pretty good at self-sabotaging too, so I understand. I had hard-wired fear imprinted from the trauma induced, physical, sexual & verbal abuse conditioning at an tender age. The fear was so deeply ingrained, it took years to build the courage to set myself free. Today, I still work on shades of past that spill over into present thinking.

We are more than the sum of what was done to us. So much more.

@amosmorris The fact that you are questioning these areas are very promising for your journey to move forward. Sending encouraging thoughts your way for your own freedom march.