I feel compelled to share this here because I admire the courage everyone else has shown and honestly at this very moment I just need to tell someone..
For a little background: My husband has PTSD from Iraq 2003 (he was also wounded there) and I suspect that there is some depression that was preexisting. I have PTSD from child abuse and a seriously insane boyfriend some 25 years ago who tried to use me for target practice. If that isnt enough I also have ADHD and Dyslexia which I am learning with some success to accomidate.
So Today, got up early to go into work with husband so my kiddo and I could go to big city mall and shop and meet my husband for lunch and see a movie. I took my ADHD meds early for fear of forgetting all together.
Husband said "meet me at 12 pm at a certain place and go ahead an order my lunch for me." So my kiddo and I go to breakfast and sorta hang out until the stores open and soon its about 11:20 and I say to her "hey lets head over to the meeting place but we can stop by your favorite teen shop for a few minuets before we meet up with Dad" My reasoning was that nothing makes me more crazy than getting someplace too early..I get really antsy and tend to be a bit impulsive and do things like order way too much food and start talking to everyone in the place ect.
I did not realize that my meds were already starting to wear off due to how early I took it. Usually dont realize it until I get irritated with loud noises or find myself wandering around and forgetting what Im doing. When I get to the teen store we go in and the place is packed with brightly colored and shiny stuff!!!!...really pretty things with lots of detail to get lost in and I am completely delighted. my daughter and I are laughing and having a good time and Im coming up with a zillion earring and fancy hair accessory combinations and suddenly I notice my husband walking by.
I'm thinking that he got out of work early and Im so happy to see him Im almost bouncing and when I call out his name.... he turns around and gives this freightening look.
I have seen this look before but seldom. Its a look that sends chills down my spine...Its like he could kill me and spit on my body. He yells in this very condecending voice "What the f*ck does 12 mean to you?" Instantly I feel sick and want to run...I see flahes of my stepfather screaming "Do you know where home is?" and then me hiding under the bed after another whipping with a leather belt that has left my back and butt bloody and welted. Everything turns kind of surreal and my husband is still yelling and seething...and I turn around and rush back into the store.
I tell my kiddo we have to go..but first I take a moment to tell the cashier I will be back...this is sort of a manipulation on my part because I want the woman to notice us and I want him to know someone is see this....because I think Im in danger...not because my husband has ever abused me physically he has never done that..although I think it was close a few times...but that look has really triggered me...I go back out side where he is pacing and I say "Im not going anywhere with you and we can meet up after work at the theatre." this really pisses him off. and he stomps away yelliing...'I will be there at exactly 4...Got it!"
I quickly take off and get myself and my kid out of there...in retrospect I dont think he intended to hurt me or her but at that moment I was sorta jumping back and forth between being 7 and vulnerable and being 40 and ready to do what I had to do to protect us.
We went to a movie...I thought it might help to distract myself...but I did tear up and my kid saw that. I feel horrible that she is seeing this. I spent the next couple of hours feeling sick and nervous and trying to cover up exactly how scared I was.
At 4 my husband showed up...he was still scowling and my fear was swelling up again. I kept thinking about how I might have to fight him...how I could get my kid out of the car quickly and tell her to run to the restraunt next to where he had parked. when I get in he hands me a bag and with a sort of cold voice he says..."Im sorry." Its a necklace...its nice but he isnt smiling, his face still looks tense and disapproving. I am kind of frozen..I cant read this and then his anger flares...he is pissed because I wasnt gushing over the gift...and I start to cry...Im thinking about how I am going to have to punch him in crotch if he touches me and I dont want to fight...I dont want to hurt him...I dont want my kid to see this.
luckily he doesnt touch me, he just acts disqusted with me and I sit there in the car going home crying as quiet as I can but his driving gets aggressive and Im trying to stop because I dont want to make this worse and Im thinking about how if we get in traffic jam I can bolt out the car and run down the highway...but what about my kid..she has a seatbelt on...and I start to feel trapped...cant leave her...
Now this is when things get very weird...here we are in a car...Im crying ...my kiddo is being very quiet..no doubt she can feel this all going on...Husband is giving lots of nonverbal hostility and suddenly he pulls into a store that has a restraunt...remember he had not had lunch...Im shocked...he is really planning on taking me in there with a puffy face and red eyes? He parks and we sit a few moments in silence and I start to calm down..then for reasons I cant explain I agree to go in side and I think Ok..I really want to wash my face in the restroom and I dont want my kid to have to choose which parent to go with.
so we go inside and they cant seat us for a while and we are window shopping...Im calming down, and starting to process what is going on with a more level head when he starts talking down to me...he is sorry but its all my fault..I tried to explain that I would never do that on purpose..I know when I didnt show up he probably felt kind of scared that something might have happened to us...I know he cant stand when things are not certain..I really try to keep my ADHD chaos in check...I take meds, go to a doc...read everything I can on techinques to improve...but Im always going to struggle with this...and suddenly in the middle of the store this rage wells up like a damn tsunami and I start yelling "You have no right to do this to me..Humiliating me...terrorizing me and looking at me like you could f*cking kill me! Just like my father...I just wont let you do this to me!" and then the room started pulsating and I felt so sick I doubled over and couldnt breath very well I had to get the hell out of there...I ran...I didnt wait for anyone...I ran to the exit and around to the back of the building and away from all those horrified customers, and his wide eyed horror, Im ashamed to admit I didnt even wait for my kid...I just couldnt breath..slowly I got it back together...and my husband and kid found me there and I was so ashamed of my outburst. and very angry with him....he tried to apologise again and I started to believe it but on the drive home he made another cutting remark about me not showing up and kept making snarky remarks.
he just wont believe me that I just didnt know how much time had passed, that I'm sorry I made him worry ....that my meds had worn off and I was really just incapable of having a sense about it...didnt even think about asking what time it was...didnt remember my watch...and like always, my cell phone battery was dead..because I dont remember stuff like that...never have...
so this day really sucked...Im not mad any more...another thing I dont do welll is keep grudges...maybe you need a better attention span for that...but I am sad and still a little sick to my stomach... I know it will not be like this always but right now I cant help but feel alot of fear, shame and anxiety.
For a little background: My husband has PTSD from Iraq 2003 (he was also wounded there) and I suspect that there is some depression that was preexisting. I have PTSD from child abuse and a seriously insane boyfriend some 25 years ago who tried to use me for target practice. If that isnt enough I also have ADHD and Dyslexia which I am learning with some success to accomidate.
So Today, got up early to go into work with husband so my kiddo and I could go to big city mall and shop and meet my husband for lunch and see a movie. I took my ADHD meds early for fear of forgetting all together.
Husband said "meet me at 12 pm at a certain place and go ahead an order my lunch for me." So my kiddo and I go to breakfast and sorta hang out until the stores open and soon its about 11:20 and I say to her "hey lets head over to the meeting place but we can stop by your favorite teen shop for a few minuets before we meet up with Dad" My reasoning was that nothing makes me more crazy than getting someplace too early..I get really antsy and tend to be a bit impulsive and do things like order way too much food and start talking to everyone in the place ect.
I did not realize that my meds were already starting to wear off due to how early I took it. Usually dont realize it until I get irritated with loud noises or find myself wandering around and forgetting what Im doing. When I get to the teen store we go in and the place is packed with brightly colored and shiny stuff!!!!...really pretty things with lots of detail to get lost in and I am completely delighted. my daughter and I are laughing and having a good time and Im coming up with a zillion earring and fancy hair accessory combinations and suddenly I notice my husband walking by.
I'm thinking that he got out of work early and Im so happy to see him Im almost bouncing and when I call out his name.... he turns around and gives this freightening look.
I have seen this look before but seldom. Its a look that sends chills down my spine...Its like he could kill me and spit on my body. He yells in this very condecending voice "What the f*ck does 12 mean to you?" Instantly I feel sick and want to run...I see flahes of my stepfather screaming "Do you know where home is?" and then me hiding under the bed after another whipping with a leather belt that has left my back and butt bloody and welted. Everything turns kind of surreal and my husband is still yelling and seething...and I turn around and rush back into the store.
I tell my kiddo we have to go..but first I take a moment to tell the cashier I will be back...this is sort of a manipulation on my part because I want the woman to notice us and I want him to know someone is see this....because I think Im in danger...not because my husband has ever abused me physically he has never done that..although I think it was close a few times...but that look has really triggered me...I go back out side where he is pacing and I say "Im not going anywhere with you and we can meet up after work at the theatre." this really pisses him off. and he stomps away yelliing...'I will be there at exactly 4...Got it!"
I quickly take off and get myself and my kid out of there...in retrospect I dont think he intended to hurt me or her but at that moment I was sorta jumping back and forth between being 7 and vulnerable and being 40 and ready to do what I had to do to protect us.
We went to a movie...I thought it might help to distract myself...but I did tear up and my kid saw that. I feel horrible that she is seeing this. I spent the next couple of hours feeling sick and nervous and trying to cover up exactly how scared I was.
At 4 my husband showed up...he was still scowling and my fear was swelling up again. I kept thinking about how I might have to fight him...how I could get my kid out of the car quickly and tell her to run to the restraunt next to where he had parked. when I get in he hands me a bag and with a sort of cold voice he says..."Im sorry." Its a necklace...its nice but he isnt smiling, his face still looks tense and disapproving. I am kind of frozen..I cant read this and then his anger flares...he is pissed because I wasnt gushing over the gift...and I start to cry...Im thinking about how I am going to have to punch him in crotch if he touches me and I dont want to fight...I dont want to hurt him...I dont want my kid to see this.
luckily he doesnt touch me, he just acts disqusted with me and I sit there in the car going home crying as quiet as I can but his driving gets aggressive and Im trying to stop because I dont want to make this worse and Im thinking about how if we get in traffic jam I can bolt out the car and run down the highway...but what about my kid..she has a seatbelt on...and I start to feel trapped...cant leave her...
Now this is when things get very weird...here we are in a car...Im crying ...my kiddo is being very quiet..no doubt she can feel this all going on...Husband is giving lots of nonverbal hostility and suddenly he pulls into a store that has a restraunt...remember he had not had lunch...Im shocked...he is really planning on taking me in there with a puffy face and red eyes? He parks and we sit a few moments in silence and I start to calm down..then for reasons I cant explain I agree to go in side and I think Ok..I really want to wash my face in the restroom and I dont want my kid to have to choose which parent to go with.
so we go inside and they cant seat us for a while and we are window shopping...Im calming down, and starting to process what is going on with a more level head when he starts talking down to me...he is sorry but its all my fault..I tried to explain that I would never do that on purpose..I know when I didnt show up he probably felt kind of scared that something might have happened to us...I know he cant stand when things are not certain..I really try to keep my ADHD chaos in check...I take meds, go to a doc...read everything I can on techinques to improve...but Im always going to struggle with this...and suddenly in the middle of the store this rage wells up like a damn tsunami and I start yelling "You have no right to do this to me..Humiliating me...terrorizing me and looking at me like you could f*cking kill me! Just like my father...I just wont let you do this to me!" and then the room started pulsating and I felt so sick I doubled over and couldnt breath very well I had to get the hell out of there...I ran...I didnt wait for anyone...I ran to the exit and around to the back of the building and away from all those horrified customers, and his wide eyed horror, Im ashamed to admit I didnt even wait for my kid...I just couldnt breath..slowly I got it back together...and my husband and kid found me there and I was so ashamed of my outburst. and very angry with him....he tried to apologise again and I started to believe it but on the drive home he made another cutting remark about me not showing up and kept making snarky remarks.
he just wont believe me that I just didnt know how much time had passed, that I'm sorry I made him worry ....that my meds had worn off and I was really just incapable of having a sense about it...didnt even think about asking what time it was...didnt remember my watch...and like always, my cell phone battery was dead..because I dont remember stuff like that...never have...
so this day really sucked...Im not mad any more...another thing I dont do welll is keep grudges...maybe you need a better attention span for that...but I am sad and still a little sick to my stomach... I know it will not be like this always but right now I cant help but feel alot of fear, shame and anxiety.
