Sexual Assault The Perpetrator

[Nicolette]

The Perpetrator in terms of sexual abuse is someone who violated you sexually. They crossed a boundary and caused you to endure or experience a sexual event without your consent - whether it be conscious (a fully mature adult and understanding a healthy boundary) or unconscious (a child who 'feels' something is wrong but doesn't know what).

This person who you may or may not know took 'control' of you while this act or acts occurred and, whether emotionally, psychologically or physically rendered you powerless. As in the threat of your life, holding you down, harming you etc.

Once such an event is endure it causes dramatic effects which can scar you both emotionally and physically. There is also the cause of potential psychological damage.

While all of this occurs it becomes a traumatic and complicated situation to process due to violation, trust, beliefs and sometimes the sense of trying to understand why it happened to you - why did they pick you, often leading to self blame.

What is really hard to process and move through is that, once this person is out of your life (you are still not being abused by them), they NO LONGER have control. Mentally, through this process it is common to give the perpetrator longer lasting control due to the psychology of the trauma.

In order to heal you need to take back your power of your life and understand that, even if you think so, the person who abused you NO LONGER has control other that what you allow. What happened to you changes you forever however you can get back a sense of normality if you can separate that person from all others (trust), acceptance of what happened and that it wasn't your fault (violation and believes) and coming to terms with the fact that no matter how you look at it you may never understand why it happened to you.

What is important is to re-find you. Look after yourself and be kind. Take the time you need to heal and fight through the pain as it is worth it. If you don't you will possibly endure a life long struggle allowing the perpetrator to continually abuse you even though they are long gone.

The power is within you to heal!

 

[WonderingWhy]

Nicolette,
What you say sounds like it makes sense. I do think in my case in order to completely heal, I will need to confront him AND show him I am in control. Since he in my mind is possibly anywhere and everywhere I try to go. Since he IS around free and enjoys approaching me.

The problem is I just don't know if I am able to even overcome all my fear and anxiety. I can't very well confront him and show him he is NOT in control until I can be in control.

It's as they say "a catch 22" how can I get strong and in control until I let him see I am in control. But...I can't confront him without being in control.

I don't know if I expressed clearly what I am thinking, but talking about him and seeing him is getting me a bit anxious and head spinning. Gotta stop for now. Sorry:(

 

[Nyx]

What is really hard to process and move through is that, once this person is out of your life (you are still not being abused by them), they NO LONGER have control.

That is correct. They do not have control even if we feel they do because we feel weak when thinking about them. That is why I don't fully understand the approach that says "show him he doesn't control you anymore". That is yet another form of you giving him control. Because in stead of doing something for you, for your sake, you do something to prove him wrong. Something for him, in the end. I would never start my healing clinging to the idea that I'm doing it to prove him wrong. I'm doing it for my own sake, because I miss my old self and need to feel good about myself again. Me me me me. And me is the first step you take to take control.

 

[WonderingWhy]

That is why I don't fully understand the approach that says "show him he doesn't control you anymore". That is yet another form of you giving him control. Because in stead of doing something for you, for your sake, you do something to prove him wrong. Something for him, in the end.

In my case, showing him would be done for me, it would be a way to confirm to ME that though he is still here, I am in control! I don't see how I could ever believe it myself, without confronting him and successfully showing him I am no longer afraid of him.

I agree showing him, just simply to show him, is irrelevent. however it is the only way for me to prove it to me. Which at the moment I am not ready. I am however trying to work my way to it.

I really do want to be free from my constant fear! It may be Halloween tomorrow but I don't want any more "Fright Nights". lol I guess I shouldn't try to be a comedian! :D

 

[Nyx]

I understand what you're saying and you do have a point. I think it's actually a vicious circle this one: proving something to yourself by proving it to others. But I wonder if this is not just an illusion in the end. The illusion given by confirmation received from others.. Hmm. I have something to think about tonight. I'll let you know if I reach a conclusion :)

 

[WonderingWhy]

proving something to yourself by proving it to others. But I wonder if this is not just an illusion in the end. The illusion given by confirmation received from others.

Mmmmm,huh I need to hash this over too. I thought I was clear but now, not quite sure.

I still think I am proving it to myself though. my reasoning for that.
If I actually confronted him. I would prove it to me. Simply by successfully approaching him saying what I felt and "Blam" done I am convinced.

I don't believe whatever his reaction would be it would matter. He could still be arrogant and say anything. I would not be proving anything to him. So whether he saw my victory or not would be irrelevent.

That's why I feel I am ONLY proving it to me. It's something I don't think I would ever accept as true unless I saw it for myself. Even then I think I may have to convince myself it was not just a fluke. However at least I would have that foundation of proof to work from.
Nyx, I am interested in your take. :confused:

 

[Nyx]

Makes a lot of sense and as you presented it, yes, it would only be you convincing you, as you have ruled out his actions. It is something that concerns you and your actions. And the idea of foundation sounds really fair to me, because we do have the tendency not to trust ourselves, even after verifying things. But a first successful attempt would surely be a strong foundation for believing you are (almost) there.

I like it that you're thinking about this and analyzing it calmly. This shows that, even if you don't feel ready right now, you will surely be at one point. Fingers crossed for it to be as soon as possible!

 

[WonderingWhy]

I hope it happens before too long. Sitting here in fear is stressful and unpleasant. It's like being in prison with invisible restraints.

I know feeling in control and free is what I want and deserve. I just need to find a way to get there. There are so many things to climb over 1st. At times it seems overwhelming and impossible.

That's when I have to hop on my little engine and keep telling myself "I think I can, I think I can!!!!

 

[Nicolette]

In my case, showing him would be done for me, it would be a way to confirm to ME that though he is still here, I am in control! I don't see how I could ever believe it myself, without confronting him and successfully showing him I am no longer afraid of him.

WW, a couple of questions for you:

• Why would you firstly want to put yourself in a potential position of harm if not necessary. This person has violated you in the past and caused you great trauma which affects you today. How do you know he will not hurt you again and even if you are mentally stronger, are you physically in a position to protect yourself if this is the case?
• What happens if you face this person and they just laugh at you? Have you considered that where you are at is of no interest to them as if they cared they would not have hurt you in the first instance?
• Could facing this person possibly have the opposite affect and actually upset you even more or even re-traumatize you?
• Have you considered the other options of writing a letter etc where you say what you need to say without the potential danger of putting yourself in a situation you have no idea about?
• Did you realise that you actually don't have to "climb" over anything and instead just face your emotions, work through them and process them?

The raw reality of what you think is that the only "invisible restraints" you have is your mind. I say this with the utmost kindness and respect - not to demean you.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Nicolette,

You make some excellent points, some I never considered.
Right now I feel like I am about to pass out literally. I need to reconsider my goals. I had seen this as my way of ending my "hiding".

I am glad you pointed out the things you have. Don't take that the wrong way.
It's just now I am a bit overwhelmed. I think I will leave these thoughts for another time. If they will let me.

Thank You

 

[WonderingWhy]

I'm curious if any one has ever had the "Perp" show remorse and give a sincere apology, and if they did was there any type of "relationship" I don't mean of the sexual or romantic type of relationship. Like if it was a family member or co-worker, neighbor. If anyone has ever actually had a perp. who was truly sorry and changed to never doing such things again. To anyone? just curious.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm curious if any one has ever had the "Perp" show remorse and give a sincere apology, and if they did was there any type of "relationship"

I had a past abuser (not sexual) contact me (phone) after he was alone again thinking I was an easy 'given' for companionship as I did love him at the time we were together before he mistreated me.. When I told him I was married and my life was good etc, he actually apologised for the way he treated me and said he was very selfish.

As for an ongoing relationship; there is no need to have one as I am married and have no reason to have contact with him. If I passed him in the street I would say hello but that's it. It was very uplifting to hear him say 'sorry'.