The Prison I Built

[bemental]

As for the shrinks that make up programs like CPT. I feel they think that by making us vets with the beast, hand write this stuff, we will somehow tell them more...When if fact we will only tell them what we want to tell them. I do the same thing in working with my counselor, I have told him a lot, (more than I ever thought I would) but there are things I will never share with him or anyone....

JR, I completely understand. I'm sitting here right now staring at a blank piece of paper trying merely trying to start writing my "traumatic event" on paper. It's 0236, I didn't get a lick of sleep last night and I've a full day of appointments starting in 5.5 hours (and counting).

I typically don't schedule a lick of appointments on days that I have CBT, but it didn't quite work out this time. I'll have to remember to better block off my schedule next week (although my CO doesn't really appreciate it when I'm UA for days at a time "at appointments").

 

[bemental]

JarHed, I just noticed that you're from "near philly". You want to talk about it? I'm sure that causes enough stress of it's own!

 

[JarHed]

JarHed, I just noticed that you're from "near philly". You want to talk about it? I'm sure that causes enough stress of it's own!

Hey BeMental,

That made me laugh this morning. Not real close but close enough. I live about 25 miles from Center City so it's not too close. I don't go into the city much anymore, no need or desire to. With the exception of the VA hosp a couple times a year and I have a route that isn't too bad.

Are you from the area? Or do you just know about Philly. If you are the most important questions that I can ask are; Cheesesteaks, Geno;s, Jim's or the other guy whose name escapes me at the moment. And of course; wid or widout? :LOL:

Jar

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

DoorGunner,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Yes, that's American Lake in Tacoma. They're working on making the course 18 holes. I play there a couple of times a year.

They've done lots of extra work so the Vets. with physical disabilities can play. The course is run by volenteers, and they do an excellent job.

 

[bemental]

Hey BeMental,

That made me laugh this morning. Not real close but close enough. I live about 25 miles from Center City so it's not too close. I don't go into the city much anymore, no need or desire to. With the exception of the VA hosp a couple times a year and I have a route that isn't too bad.

Are you from the area? Or do you just know about Philly. If you are the most important questions that I can ask are; Cheesesteaks, Geno;s, Jim's or the other guy whose name escapes me at the moment. And of course; wid or widout? :LOL:

Jar

I wouldn't say I'm from Philly, but I grew up outside of Reading from '86 until I enlisted in 2003.

Attended a culinary school at 32nd and Walnut for a year in 2001 and absolutely remember school being canceled and the city shutting down on 9/11.

I remember hanging out on South Street, and lots of city jogging. Also had a budding career as a bike messenger before leaving the city for the marines.

Used to love going to the art museum and boathouse row. And despite what people tell you there are a few beautiful parts to that city.

 

[JarHed]

I was working a UPENN when 9/11 happened. It was a weird and eerie feeling seeing everything just stop. Myself and a co-worker ran to the train station in center city and got the last train out to the suburbs. A day I guess none of us will forget or always remember where we were.

And on a lighter note, yes there are some really nice parts of Philly, just like any city. I practically lived at the Art museum when I went to school. South Street was always the coolest, always something to do or see. People just walk the streets smoking pot. The cops don't even care or say anything. My kind of place. Reading has changed a lot, guess I don't have to tell you that. It always had a lot of outlet stores but now it's like the place to go and has gotten too much like many other 'places to go'.

 

[Doc B1]

Good morning all,
SDs first post struck me really hard. I feel that very struggle every day of my life. But to SD when I stopped keeping myself in that containment I ended up in a cell, locked inside my head and inside bars. It's happened twice since my medical retirement once almost landed me there for the long haul. My life is a disaster right now and it's almost all over inner confliction. I've found that I cannot find any middle ground in any aspect of my life. Even the smallest things seem to want to tear me to one extreme or another. Right now it's 1:30am and I'm dead tired my pregnant fiancé has been sound asleep for hours and I sit awake and watch and listen for anything abnormal. It's either do this or let my guard down and close my eyes at the risk of karma rolling around and stealing the two most precious people in my life from me. I've been like this for the past three months most likely because all the worst things I experienced in combat were from October to January. I have good enough medical retirement that this is exceptable right now because I can sleep a little tomorrow but if I have to leave my house tomorrow I won't be able to do it unarmed and my judgement will be based on a severe hyper vigilance issue topped with sleep deprivation. I know that this is unhealthy and it would only take a small conflict tomorrow for me to act on instinct and end up locked away again. Unfortunately my prison walls are built of the positive things in my life now. I have no fear alone for what happens to me it could be guilt causing that or just the years of pain that have compounded to the point I just don't care. But I've been trying to rebuild life and the more I do that the worse my ptsd is getting. I started by meeting my soon to be wife and after about 6 months of spending everyday with her I began to get more alert and protective in public. Then we bought a house which is in a safe quiet neighborhood but once we made it our home I began to feel like I should be on the roof keeping watch not sleeping unaware beside her. And a few months ago we got this amazing news that we have a child on the way and as much as I'm elated I've turned into a complete nut and I'm stuck in full on combat mode. I escort her around always armed like a VIP through ramadi. I don't sleep near enough and when I do I wake up in terror and sometimes crying and yelling from dreaming crazy dreams like her and my baby being killed for the awful things I've done. I need some advice PLEASE. All these wonderful moments in life I'm missing because all the good things that should help me break down these walls are reinforcing them and before I know it these once in a lifetime moments will be over and done and if I look back and realize I missed them all it might be enough to push me over the edge again. When that happens I not only lose all care for my life but for anyone I deem wants to cause me harm. Be it a mugger, a frat boy in a bad mood or someone trying to lock me up again. I feel the storm on the horizon and meds and doctors seem to be of no help. I really need any advice anyone has on how to change course and not hit this metaphorical shit storm head on this time and lose all the great things that have come to me. The brothers I lost over there I'm sure are looking down from wherever they are and would be devastated to see me living this way when they don't have the chance

 

[JarHed]

This may be unrelated but related to this thread. This is a link Link Removed

To a thread I created when I was taking Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia. I talk about some of the things that I did and how it helped me. I've reposted this link a few times with the hope that perhaps it might benefit someone. That's my hope.

I will say that so many time here I read posts of people that are going through that which I have as well. I can't assure ya'll enough that it can change and change for the better as well. I know a couple of things; there is no cure for what we have and there is hope that it can get better no matter what point or stage of this you're at. Time is the biggest factor, it always takes longer than we're willing to wait. But something that's been suppressed for years, even just a few, can take a much greater length of time to work through.

I was on the other site and someone had asked if they thought that they could just try and forget all the bad stuff that happened to them. I responded this way. Don't try to forget or lock away your past. I did it for more than a couple of lifetimes and now I'm starting to remember things that were locked within the deepest recesses of my mind. Therapy is a major force in helping to do that. Easy, NO, but necessary. You can't figure out where you want or need to go or be without understanding your past. Learning to deal with the present and not be caught by those things that happened to you. It's a life long project, for sure, but a most worthwhile one. A better life for yourself and in turn for those around you that you care the most about.

If there's any way that I can help let me know. pm me if you like, I'm a good listener and sometimes we just need to know someone is out there. I am. Don't beat yourself up so much and try to just take it one day at a time. Best of luck Doc.

Jar

 

[Sarg]

Jar, thanks for reposting that! Just last week I found out I have a medical problem that could get serious if I don't jump on it. It may be caused by a drug that I have been taking for decades to help me sleep. I may have to stop taking it and may have sleep problems, more so than is usual for me.

Put the thread in favorites, so I can remember to talk to my therapist about it.

Sarg

 

[JarHed]

Hey Sarg

Will Do. Hope this condition you're dealing with is something that can get better for ya'.

Sleep is such a huge problem for so many people. I honestly didn't think there was anything that could help. I was wrong, there is. Let me know how things go.

Jar

Edit:

OK, I'm not sure where 'favorites' is. You'll need to point the way.

 

[Sarg]

Oh, Bookmarks, sorry. Think they used to call it favorites and it changed somewhere.

Sarg

 

[JarHed]

Hey Sarg

I think bookmarking is something you can do on your pc. I looked over the site and didn't find a place to put a link. Perhaps I'm missing something.

Also, here's a link to a site that explains CBT-I

Link Removed