The Problem of Comparisons

[Mercy]

I think that it is true that no one can really understand what we have all gone through without experiewncing something like it themselves. The same thing can be said about deep grief, the death of a beloved husband or child. That's why many hospitals run grief groups for people who havelost a child. They 'get it'. That loss is something no one else can fathom.

 

[tardis]

I hope it is permissable for me to comment on my own situation, as I didn't wish to begin a new thread.

I am having problems of late with comparing my trauma(s) to that of my girlfriend's. She also has PTSD and was an active member of this forum for over a year. Her trauma was being shot by her stepfather and witnessing his suicide and murder of her stepmother and brother. Her resulting injuries caused her to have severe PTSD and some serious physical ailments. Whilst I have years of abuse through bullying, there is nothing in my story quite as dramatic as what happened to my girl. I find I am comparing myself to her and it is discouraging, as I am trying to begin a diary. I read her diary in its entirely - big mistake - as it just left me feeling moreso that my trauma is not as severe.

She is at the point where, she will speak to others openly about her experiences, and people never fail to be wowed and inspired by her story. Just the other day she was asked to speak at an international conference, and accepted. In my experience, when I say I was bullied, people tend to remark, oh, we were all bullied somewhat, or, kids can be cruel. But no one ever minimizes my girlfriend's experiences. I must admit I am jealous.

I did have a chat with her over it. Ironically, she relates that she previously felt similarly that her trauma was not as bad, as it was essentially *only* one incident lasting 5 minutes. She no longer compares herself to others, however was unable to explain to me quite how she arrived at that point. Only that she worked upon herself very hard and after a time comparing was no longer an issue for her.

Don't get me wrong, I admire her efforts and I feel fortunate to have such a beautiful person for a partner. However I don't know how to get past comparing myself to her. I am ashamed of my jealousy / envy. Thank you for allowing me to share this, I feel a bit better for having done so.

 

[Dylan]

Hi Midi,

Wow, could I relate to your post.

My entire life (my trauma was from childhood abuse) has been spent comparing myself to others and was always in the failure position. It was horribly painful, but I just couldn't seem to stop. And if someone told me, "Well, look what you went through" it was more of an insult than encouraging. To me it felt like, "There, there, we know someone like you couldn't be expected to do that", rather like how my Aunt doesn't hold her Down's child to the same standard as her non-Down's child. I really felt like a useless piece of garbage, who'd wasted my whole life in numbness and blankness.

Over time this has gotten better. I recently read a very good about life's challenges, "Broken Open", and something from it has stuck with me: When you find your purpose, the pain of the past lessens. This really struck me, and somehow related to the comparison thing for me.

I was in a spin when I first came to this forum and a gal told me, "You go back to go forward" and I have found that to be true. As I heal, I begin to release the tight fist I have on the past (even the losses that are frozen in time due to PTSD/trauma), be more in the moment honoring and valuing who I am RIGHT NOW, and even looking to the future a little bit (something I've never done before). And I'm finding, it does. Finding more purpose to my life now, and for the future, it does lessen the pain, the loss of what was, what could have been.

HTH, and thanks for your post. I really related to the grief and loss of this thing.

-Dylan

 

[tardis]

Midi, I apologize. I just read through this thread again carefully and I think perhaps my thoughts about my girlfriend don't belong here and should have been in a thread of their own. I did a search for threads with comparing traumas as the subject and yours was on top of the list, but I should have read more carefully first time round. Sorry to have invaded your thread, wasn't my intent. Dean

 

[Esther]

I can relate to comparing my self to others. I have a physical illness that limits me more than my ptsd is, and even though I was born with it once I hit adulthood I need time to grieve all that the illness and trauma cost me.

I'm still working through it but now I can see the light, and see how what I went though was crap but it made me more compassionate and more wise than most other people my age.
I have decided that I will do the best with my life, and help release my friends to do the best with theirs.

 

[OBeth]

I'm new here. I'm relieved to find a group of people that are also learning how to live with PTSD. My husband and I were involved in a horribly violent car crash 5 years ago caused by a drunk driver. My husband was killed almost instantly and I had a plethora of life threatening injury. I spent a month in a trauma teaching hospital and had 3 surgeries. I spent the first year in intense physical therapy and I am left with permanent limitations in my left shoulder, arm and hand. I am also very badly scarred. I too was unable to return to my profession. I have been fighting with white knuckles these past five years to try to put a life back together for myself. I recently decided I was never going to succeed without professional help and I am now seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist who have diagnosed me with and treating me for PTSD. None of my friends or family have experienced this kind of traumatic event in their lives and consequently I feel isolated. It was so validating to read all of your comments and see that you are experiencing some of the same physical and emotional challenges in your lives - unable to resume your careers, the anger and rage, the emptiness, the denial. I think people that have not survived a traumatic event have a tendancy to categorize people in our situation as having a victim's mentality - they don't realize how much strength and courage it is taking for us to just get out of bed some mornings. This is the comparison I resent - not me comparing myself now to others that are living fuller lives than I am. I don't accept any responsibility for my circumstances - I didn't cause this to myself. I am very encouraged by my new doctors and believe that with their help - the drug therapy and the talk therapy that I am going to improve and start to feel passionate about life again. I wish the same for all of you and if you are not under the care of professionals for your PTSD I hope you will. I made a mistake and was stubborn and determined that I could find happiness again on my own and have probably wasted the last few years of my life just surviving.

 

[midi]

Tardis,

I think you gave a valid example of how we compare ourselves to others. We want to be where others or at, right?

Obeth,

I too waited far too long for assistance - now that docs and meds are involved, there is hope...

I'm really glad that others have shared their experiences with comparisons.

 

[jeapea]

I don't need to compare myself to who or what I used to be. My kids do that for me.
And they keep trying to hold me accountable for the changes I've gone through without being the least interested in finding out what happened that changed me. "pull your head out!" "get over it!" They just keep focusing on blaming me for how I'm just not someone they can love any more. I feel sorry for them, more than anything... and sad for the granddaughter I will probably never know.

 

[goingonhope]

I should be out there, contributing to the community, going to conferences, writing papers etc... all I am doing is struggling to accept my limitations and manage them so I'm functionable.

As a person with Ptsd, and this very real, chronic, progressive illness, comparisons to anyone or anything outside of my reality-(past and present) are detrimental to me and only serves up an unhealthy ego.

I'd end up thinking I'm inferior, superior or different then everyone else, therefore concluding that ultimately I do not belong anywhere in this universe.

IMO, unrealistic comparisons work only to undermine my chances of ever feeling good about myself. Such negative comparisons alter my thoughts of my own or another's worthiness, and divert me further and further away from truth which I seek.

Undeniably, what I should be is dead! And, yet I'm not.

Hope

 

[cragger65]

They did a psycholgical study once in which a test group of 50 people were asked to consider how the quality of their lives measured up against those who were clearly less fortunate. A second group was asked to do the same, only comparing with those who were more fortunate.

Afterwards, the people from each group were given a mood rating test, and, no big surprise, the group comparing themselves to those better off displayed lowered mood scores, while those comparing themselves to those less fortunate were elevated.

I don't interpret this as feeling "superior" at all. It was an excercise in putting your situation into a larger perspective. Comparison is a basic trait of all human beings, PTSD or no. It's a feature of being a social animal. Therefor, excercise it in a positive direction, developing compassion for those less fortunate, rather than jealousy for those who (appear) to "have it all" (that perception in itself can be very faulty). You can pretty much guarentee you'll wind up feeling better in the long run. Results don't lie.

 

[TLight]

Hope;
Your words "I'll only end up feeling inferior, superior, or different from everyone else, concluding I don't belong anywhere in this universe."

Boy.......this is so true and I really need to do some serious work on this one. My ego definately wants to hang on to this like a lead weight......preventing joy, belonging and happiness from coming into my life.

I'm the one that keeps myself limited.........the past is done, I'm doing it now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I try not to make comparisons for two reasons:

The first is that most people feel that in many respects I don't have a "care in the world"- in fact I've been told (frequently) that " (I) don't have the capacity to be depressed", and similarly that " (I) am not shy" - both of which are hillariously off-base. (-Well, they would be more funny if my own reality was not so opposite). However, I have learned how to put on "masks" very adeptly, some to survive, some because it's more comfortable, sometimes because I don't know how to survive without them.
So I know that if I can do that- others might be, also.

Secondly, I figure you never know what sh*t is coming down the pipe in someone's life- good if they can enjoy (what appears to be) good moments now.