The Real Me, The One You Don't See.

[Deleted member 20280]

Outwardly Santa_Laurie is a fun loving, laugh a second kinda dude.

Inwardly most of the time he is the same.

But there is still just plain old, 'Laurie' in here and he is in pain now.

He wants to speak now and leave 'Santa' out of the equation for a moment.

Tomorrow is Fathers day and I am sad. I know I won't get even one smile from my children. There will be no lie in with a bouncing toddler jumping on the bed shouting DADDY!.

Simply put. I won't have any cards from my many children wishing me a 'Happy Father's Day'. There will be no smiling 3yr old little boy screaming at me in excited giggles shouting DADDY!.

Not a moment goes by in Laurie's life that he does not miss his children dearly and cry inside that he does not tuck them into bed at night. Not a waking moment goes by when Laurie yearns to see his little girl smile as she twirls in a new dress just for her daddy.

I am sorry if this upsets anyone but I am fighting my sadness right now.

Tomorrow is Fathers day and I feel like I don't deserve to say that I am a Father anymore.

My Children won't miss me because their mother won't even let them recognise what tomorrow really is.

I have tears streaming down my face as I type.

I am still your Father and I will always be your Daddy.

Lots of Love Laurie. (NO Santa Mask can hide this much pain and Sadness)

 

[scout86]

You have a right to be sad. So do your kids. I hope this is only a temporary situation! As you move along in your recovery, it seems like you should be able to be in your children's lives. Anyone who loves their kids as much as you obviously do deserves to be thought of and called "a Father". And kids can't get too much real love, they need and will benefit from yours.

Hang in there, there's hope for a better day!

 

[shimmerz]

Laurie - I so feel this. I don't think it is about mental health from the sounds of your post, it is about the ex. Mine is the same. All the kids spent their day at their father's on Mother's day. I don't get it - I can't pretend to understand how a parent can do that to their children. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is so very cruel.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thank-you @shimmerz .

Although I am a very very sad Daddy now. I also appreciate that there are so many sad Mummy's out there too.

I just wish I could stop crying this much. Nothing I survived as a child ever hurt as much as this.

Laurie

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: Laurie :hug:
my heart goes out to you

Mom's day hits me hard, as I ache to have kids of my own. It is a deep grief and longing. I can't imagine the pain of not being with your own kids.

Let the tears come and know that we are so here for you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

On the odd occasion that I have spoken to you in chat, I have joined in with the humorous banter, because I recognise it as a coping mechanism, and want to support you through whatever you're going through. That kind of banter gives me the impression that you know you have stuff to deal with, but that you are indicating that you don't want to talk about it right now.

I'm saying that because I wouldn't want you to feel that the man behind the 'fun loving santa', is alone or not recognised. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Children often grow up and want to know about their father for themselves, and I say that to offer strength and hope for the future,

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Let the tears come and know that we are so here for you.

If only I could stop these tears from flowing. I am genuinly so happy little Doggie is fine.

@Meadowsweet your kind words will not go un-recognised. I may be looked upon as the Happy-Go-Lucky Santa everyone wants to laugh and giggle with but I need to sooth the real Laurie for once. I forget he is still here sometimes as I care for others so much, I truly do.

Thank-you both.

 

[FindingMyself88]

My heart breaks for not only you, but your children as well. I myself never had a father who truly loved me. My dad was abusive and cruel… I always dreamed of a dad who loved me and did the things you talked about with me. I know your children will want that one day too, even if they are brainwashed for right now. My prayer is that God opens a door that your ex can't shut so that one day you can be the answer to your children's dreams. :hug:s thank you for being a dad that loves, even if your ex is trying to stop it. Your love DOES count! Even now that I have a "relationship" with my biological dad, he is not my daddy because there was no love there. There has been to much hurt. My stepdad was never emotionally there. But see, you can cross those bridges one day and have a real daddy/child relationship because you CARE and it is not your fault. Keep hanging on!

 

[Amalia]

I`m so sad to hear this - injustice comes in all forms.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm glad there are men out there that actually give a crap about their kids and treat them well. Abuse seems to be then norm.

Happy Father's Day to someone who really deserves that wish

 

[Justmehere]

P.S. Laurie - for what it is worth, which I know may not be much, I like all of you - including the real you and the sad you.

I also want to say that in this horrible painful place you are in, your compassion, care, kindness, and all your good fatherly characteristics all shine through so brightly even when things are so dark for you.

It really restores my hope in fathers frankly to see how much you love your kids.

My own PTSD stuff left me estranged from family for awhile. The family closest to me, they eventually came back into my life when I had long been convinced they never would. I have a friend who lost her kids, and frankly it was for good reason, even then, as she healed and changed, her kids came back too. Your kids may not want to be in contact with you now, and that is a huge loss... but as you continue to heal and grow, which you have already done so much, even against ALL odds, one day, you very likely will have your kids back in your life and even one day have grand kids crawling all over you and wanting to hear your silly stories...

Don't lose all hope. I have no doubt your kids saw the good side to you and will never permanently let go.

You deserve so much to have those kiddos running around at your feet now - don't lose hope that it will happen again someday.

My own father is an abusive jerk who unlike you, was never willing to work on his own stuff. Never had that courage. Even between us, I'm drawn to reconnect.

I know none of this takes away the pain of this time...

No matter what, I'm here for you.

 

[fly away home]

Hugs for you Laurie. These things are hard and there is nothing more raw and tender than the spot your children have in your heart. It's ok to be fragile sometimes.