Relationship The really hard choices

[Ladyjosephine]

This is my first post to this site after trolling around for a couple of weeks, and I would really appreciate any feedback. I’ve been with my PTSD vet just shy of a year, and our relationship started out as the most open and healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. He was up front and open about his PTSD with me and always tried to answer my questions to the best of his ability. Very early on we both realized that this could really be something serious and lasting for both of us, and he opened up to me and showed me what a kind and amazing human being he truly is. As the months went by, the PTSD became more prevalent, with more bad nights and slightly more drinking, but never verbal or physical abuse, just always internalized guilt and anger. I’m flying blind at this point and just reading everything I can to try and figure out the best way to handle what’s going on. So s the months go on, the suicidal thoughts start to come back (there was a previous attempt before we met), at which point I’m freaking out, and finally get him to speak to someone and get the help he needs.
On these new meds, it’s like I don’t exist. He was on them for two weeks and I have never been so scared in my life. His brain just checked out while he would watch YouTube videos of Marines all night. He was then Baker Acted (involuntary commitment in Florida) where they hadhim come off these meds and for the two weeks he was off them, he was smiling and laughing and eating and going places and things were really looking up. Once he got in with his doctor and was put back on the meds, he didn’t get out of bed for two days. Since then, he has done nothing but push me away. While he was recently venting, he brought it up that he has been through all the treatments and none of them work and he all but said that he has given up. He sees no future for himself and he sees nothing being able to help him, and I have no idea how to touch that or deal with that.
More to the point, does it make me a horrible excuse of a human being if I don’t want to? Don’t get me wrong, I feel horrible even writing that. I love him and more than anything I want to make it work because whether he sees it right now or not, he is worth the fight. But also, I’m in my last semester of grad school and working and I’m exhausted. I have spent so much time and effort to get myself set up for my career and now I’m faced not only with this now in the home stretch, but the possibility of a future with someone who has given up. At what point do I draw the line if he refuses to try and help himself?

 

[ILoveLife]

Hi and welcome.
Like a T said to a friend in a similar position:
If you're not able to run the full marathon, at least run what you can.
If he is suicidal, and even if it's "just" depression, breaking up with him right now is dangerous.
Consider taking your issues to a therapist to help YOU deal with this.
It's heavy stuff, people are not perfect and once the honeymoon period is over you're faced with reality.
The weight shouldn't be on your shoulders, but you can certainly not add weight to it.

Sorry if it's a bit blunt.

 

[Ladyjosephine]

Hi and welcome.
Like a T said to a friend in a similar position:
If you're not able to run the full mara...

I appreciate blunt. A reality check from those who understand similar situations is valuable

 

[Teasel]

More to the point, does it make me a horrible excuse of a human being if I don’t want to?

I don't think so no, I actually think it's pretty healthy of you to not necessarily be sure about commiting to go through all of this with him
Best

 

[ILoveLife]

I should've been more clear.
Its up to you if you want to deal with another person's mental illness, not doing so doesn't make you a bad person.
Right now, however, he needs professional help. And I think you would benefit from it.
Breaking up with someone who is suicidal is dangerous. Help him get help, get help for your self. I just wanted to point that out. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

You are never obligated to stay in a relationship with anybody for any reason. You are not responsible for any other grown adult's mental health. You are not responsible for being on sucide watch. You are not responsible for getting him help. It does not make you a bad person if you cannot deal with this all. Your mental health and future matters just as much as his.

He has to want to get help, and he has has to work on his PTSD himself. You cannot do anything about this. You cannot fix, you cannot help. Nothing is going to change if he is untreated.

 

[Freida]

This ^^^^^ You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

But I will suggest he talk to his doctor about the change from being on meds to being off then on again. Suicide and aggression can be caused by anti depressants so it might be worth a conversation. If he refuses to do anything? That's a choice he is making. A horrible choice, but a choice.

 

[Sighs]

Breaking up with someone who is suicidal is dangerous.

Staying with someone who is suicidal is dangerous - for you. The stress of being on suicide watch and the guilt of not being able to help can cause serious mental health problems for you. You are not responsible for his suicidal ideation. It is up to his doctors to manage that. It ok to say - I can't handle this right now - I need to focus on my education and my career and I can't deal with a partner who has a serious mental illness. It doesn't make you a bad person.

 

[LuckiLee]

It sounds like this is where you draw the line. These are the things you should be thinking about. PTSD can wreak havoc on relationships and living with someone with mental health problems is really f*cking hard. Everyone has to work at it and if the sufferer isn't trying it's damn near impossible.

PTSD is a cyclical disorder. It's always gonna be there but sometimes it's much more manageable. Med changes really do a number on my guy. It usually takes a month or so to adjust to a new one. Starting and stopping causes all kinds of problems!

Sadly we can't help all we can do is support, encourage and love. They have to do the hard part. My guy wasn't ready to reach out until he was 45 yo. He went 26 years untreated and left broken hearts behind. I wish he sought serious help sooner and so does he. Back then the VA didn't have therapy like they do now. And a PTSD group. Unheard of. They just threw meds at him and basically made him an addict. He found a Vet Center and everything changed. Do you have one in your area? Most if not all the staff are combat veterans. They "get it". Maybe your guy could try it?

(sorry for the rambling)

People break up everyday. For all kinds of reasons. You're not a bad person if you realize this is too much for you. Your health and well being matter. Take care of yourself and live the life you want to live.

I'm really sorry you're both going through all of this. I know it breaks my heart to see my guy in so much pain, turmoil, grief and despair at times. And all I can do is be there. That's it. Can't fix it. Can't talk him out of it. Can't lighten the load...blah!

I truly hope your guy doesn't give up on healing. Yep, it's gonna be h*ll but he's tough. He's already been to h*ll and he made it back!!

Best of everything to the both of you!!
XO

 

[EveHarrington]

On the flip side, it’s pretty darn selfish to expect someone to stay with you for life if you’ve given up and have no desire to improve yourself when suffering with a debilitating mental disorder.

We aren’t responsible for having ptsd, but we are responsible for healing.

And it’s complete BS that says he’s tried every treatment out there and nothing works. It would take decades to try every kind of medication and every kind of therapy that is out there. This is just him verbalizing that he doesn’t want to try anymore.

 

[Freida]

My guy wasn't ready to reach out until he was 45 yo. He went 26 years untreated and left broken hearts behind. I wish he sought serious help sooner and so does he. Back then the VA didn't have therapy like they do now

This is me too....Ii had a lot of years trying to control "it" before I even knew what "it" was. And nope...no help. One of the hardest things for me to accept was that treating it would take YEARS. And that it would sometimes be harder than just ignoring it and hoping it would go away would ever be

 

[ILoveLife]

I agree with you all. But when we are actively suicidal and ask for support what do we usually say around here when that support is denied? I'm not advocating for codependent behavior here, the guy is not abusive either. The only thing I'm saying is that if we had support when we were actively suicidal maybe we didn't do it. God knows what happens when we don't. Specially if we feel we've done it all. Were mostly survivors here, a lot of people aren't.
Just my opinion, we don't need to agree.