The Rules Of Engagement

[EloiseLandau]

About a year ago, SO ends up, in essence, cheating my trust.
It hurts. A lot.
But then I think I am starting to feel better, more rational, when that person he cheated on me with, in a nutshell, stops by. She tries to give everyone a hug; I flinch back and she looks shocked. So, SO...ran to her. Chose to comfort her.
And it still hurts.
I have spent the last year dealing with this painful feelings, and with an ineffectual therapist who kept siding with my SO when he was around, and my SO himself trying to "fix" things but in his own way, and getting frustrated when I didn't get better right away.
He has also said, over and over, how sorry he was he chose to act like that, and that it would have been better if the other woman and I had worked it out ourselves.

When we recently tried to talk, he told me my speech pattern was aggressive, and then proceeded to name several people I had been aggressive with when they had, in his opinion, done nothing to warrant it. He told me he was sick of talking. That he had denied himself certain things for years and now he was going to do some things for himself. That all I ever talked about....was....the....same...thing...over....and...over..... he accused me of only wanting someone who agrees with me. That he's tried and tried and tried and he doesn't believe I'll get better.
But on the other hand, he's glad I'm seeing a new therapist and maybe he can make me better because the SO can't.
SO says he's worn out. He's tried. He's tired. He' can't keep up with the pain and rage and defensiveness when he tells me I'm doing something wrong.

Funny thing is, the rage did go down a lot. So did the pain. But the insecurity is there.

I'm trying to make the conversation more civil. So I am asking for rules of engagement that people have when they talk to someone else.

Otherwise SO and I will continue to go on our own ways, which may be best anyway, but at least try to be civil.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I don't know why this still affects me so much

 

[EloiseLandau]

How does one get through the fact one's supporter (or ex-supporter) is the one that hurt the sufferer the most?

 

[Srain]

To be honest, it doesn't really sound like he is taking responsibility for his actions. Trust takes time to build and if you feel like your therapist isn't hearing you then I might find one that does.

It doesn't make sense to me why your SO would ever think that you and the person he cheated with would ever have anything to work out, that is NOT your responsibility, in my view, he's the one with you who chose to cheat putting you in this position.

Maybe I have this wrong but from your posts above this is what I'm taking away from it.
I'm sorry you are still hurting.
Rain

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thanks Srain. I was kind of meandering so I wasn't sure if I made sense.

I worked with the old therapist and she took a long time to "get it" and then ...well... I hope this new one works better.

He's been so eager for things to be smoothed over... but he's frustrated he couldn't pull me out of the pain, and now he's just fed up.

I'm sorry you are still hurting.
Rain

That's actually kind of funny, and not in a painful way. For a while, the phrase that was used on me was "I'm sorry you hurt." Devoid of responsibility and acknowledgement. Also, the phrase "what can I do" which I was supposed to magically guess the specifics of what the question entailed, and know full well no one could do anything but me, because it was in my head now.

I had also been wondering how to hold a conversation without it dissolving into fighting and "you do this" and "well you do that." Normally I can recall such things, but lately I can't seem to so much... duo purposed thread.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Why is it every time I talk about leaving him, he suddenly becomes a lot more reasonable? ??

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Eloise,

I have been in a number of unhealthy relationships in the past and to be honest, I was often complicit in dragging them out far longer than was good for me. My last one went 8 years past its "sell by".

Why is it every time I talk about leaving him, he suddenly becomes a lot more reasonable? ??​

When I look back I can remember asking the exact same question. Now, I know I am not in your situation so can't make a direct comparison HOWEVER, I now ask my self: when is it healthy to have to communicate with a (metaphorical) gun to someone's head? If that was the only way of getting the responses I needed was it worth struggling on with?

I can only comment based on what you have said about him and I can't work out what is it about this person that keeps you comming back for more? I know I wouldn't be waiting around for more of the same unless there was a huge and overwhelming reason.

 

[EloiseLandau]

You're not the only one asking this, Pale Warrior. I'm trying to figure if he stays at arm's length, comes back in, or is pushed out for good. If I draw up a plan to work with, can he follow? Does he really want to? I'm tired of repeating cycles, too, and this will either get better or not.

He's finally seeing his own therapist in March. I'm the only person to talk him into seeing one. Maybe that's 'something. Maybe not. I don't think it'll take long to figure out, anymore, though.

 

[Srain]

My last one went 8 years past its "sell by".

HA!:laugh:

 

[EloiseLandau]

To flesh out the story a bit, the two had had a physical relationship before he met me. It's been pretty much an open relationship so long as he kept me informed. This time, though, they both ended up thinking since they had been physical in the past, and they were known friends all along, they had flirted and talked casually about starting up again, so then they fell under the impression they could do what they liked.

To add more, several years ago I was gang-raped. Of course there was no opportunity to say "no." As a consequence, I HAVE to know what's going on. This person in my life is touchy-feely, and loves sex. I'm much more conserved, and really only want to be touched when I invite people into my space.

Back to the first paragraph: I essentially had to spell out "just because you lived in a certain house as a child, doesn't mean you can run in and use the bathroom as you like, if someone else is living there."

The damage has been done, though. It's in my head, I have to deal with it. They don't have to live with it.

Or the incident when, a few months later, he chose to comfort her as a part of "fixing" things. He says he realizes he should have stayed out of it, that she would have gotten over things pretty quickly.
But the fact he made a choice to run to her and be touchy-feely with her and even kiss her (who the hell kisses someone else as a gesture of comfort unless they've slept together???).... that's inside my head too.

The anniversary of this event is coming up.
I am finding I am resenting them both. Not for what they had, but for what they stole in terms of my peace of mind. Or what I thought I had. Now it's just more baggage and I am not even completely sure why.

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((EloiseLandau)))))))))))

I'm so terribly sorry for what you have endured with the rape, that is one trauma that you obviously were trying to deal with when your SO chose to act the way he did. That is a lot to deal with. It makes sense to me why you are having such a very hard time with this now, it would be difficult under the best of circumstances.

I'm no expert in trauma by any means so this is obviously just my opinion as someone that has multiple traumas, by taking an event and combing two of them it catastrophizes the original event making it even more difficult to get to the root cause due to triggering and retriggering like a an endless spinning on top of the issue never getting down to the source, at least for me.

I don't know if this is making sense or not. Maybe separating out your SO from the rape and addressing him or setting him aside while you address that first would be the way to go. It makes sense to me why you are having such a very hard time with this now, it would be difficult under the best of circumstances.

Rain

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thanks Rain. :) God that smiley is too cheery sometimes.

We've been addressing it almost a year. At first I had to fight him because he thought he could "fix" things quickly. Only his method of fixing made it worse.

I am sorely tempted to just simply let this whole mess go and start over. I'm tired of hurting and being in such pain. And he's just sick of this impasse.

I also have the feeling he would like to get together with her again, and I'm the thing that's in the way. And if I'm the only thing stopping him, it makes me sick to entertain the notion he would do something like that. It's why, if I leave, I don't want anything to do with him... he'll have the freedom to act as he likes and I'll just be able to work on the crap I have to work on. Maybe it's not fair or rational, but since he spent so much damn time feeling bad for her, too, because "she never would have done such a thing if she had known" (well yes, but did she bother to ASK? Did he? Knowing my sensitivity to sex, he went ahead anyway...)... I'm ranting again.

I just keep thinking I've paid enough.