The Rules Of Engagement

[EloiseLandau]

Am I supposed to be up and down like this?

 

[Eleanor]

I am sorely tempted to just simply let this whole mess go and start over. I'm tired of hurting and being in such pain. And he's just sick of this impasse.

(Sarcasm Alert: Kind of snarky and pessimistic, but honest reply)

Huh. He is, is he? But not devastated that he hurt you so? Or embarrassed that he was such a jerk? Or compassionate and grateful that you have not walked, or even run away? Here is the thing, IMHO: in a good and healthy relationship "the man should be willing to swim through shark infested waters" for something just because you want it (we would like to be complaining about their doing this sort of thing a little too often... That's the problem to aim for :D) NOT - he goes off and comforts the ex-flame when you are upset and on site too. I left my ex husband when I realized he was incapable of being motivated to do ANYTHING for me just because I would like it. He isn't a jerk, not really, he is just very aspergers'-y and so doesn't "get" other people's emotions at more than a surface level. I finally (after 10 years of trying to "fix" him) that he was not relationship material - at least not for me. So I gave up.

There are upwards of a billion guys on the planet. Just a number to keep in mind....

 

[Pale Warrior]

Am I supposed to be up and down like this?​

You are in a tough place, it's easy to see how you will be pulled in different directions at different times of the day, different days of the week.

Maybe you need some time to process these feelings?

 

[EloiseLandau]

Compound it with the second session with a new T and midterms coming up ....

 

[Pale Warrior]

Seriously, give yourself a break from this cr*p.

Take the lead, wrestle the control of your mind from his/their hands and get down to some serious study interspersed with large dollops of "me time".

Cut out the double and tripple think. If you think your happiness or healing will come from someone like him I suspect you may be sadly deceived, but I might be wrong.

You have been through a lot and need to do some house keeping. Look at your barriers to healing and work out how to clear them out.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((HUGS)))

You sure are dealing with alot of insidious things, betrayal being the one that screams out at me. The boundries are being crossed and violated. I hope you get this stuff sorted out as soon as possible. It will take some time and some hard work and some real soul searching but you can do it.

YOu are worth fighting for. Take a time out to be with you and figure out what you need and want.Once you figured out what you need and want, take a stand for yourself, you are worth it. wishing you some peace of mind and heart and soul and spirit.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Srain is right, they put me in this place. I have no obligation to make nice to her. I am making him very unhappy by keeping him at arm's length for now. And I have to go study for my test.

Thank you again.

ps:he's still not my supporter anymore

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((EloiseLandau)))))))))

Completely take care of you first. Your studies, your pain, your relationship life. No, you are not suppose to wait around for him to run off and do it again no matter what little chance may think he might because you know he more than likely will do just that, just waiting to blame it on you so he doesn't feel guilty about it, this is how cheaters work it out for themselves, even the "nice ones".

You are doing things right by addressing this, no matter how difficult, keep going.
Sending peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Eleanor]

EL, (holding face gently between hands and looking you in the eyes) he is your ex-supporter. He is not your husband. He is not your child. He is not your family. He is an adult. You are NOT, repeat NOT responsible for his feelings. You are not "making" him unhappy. Tell yourself the truth; he feels unhappy in response to you taking care of yourself. Repeat: he is unhappy now that you are taking care of yourself. (letting go)

Consider this: what kind of people do you want and need in your life? Make a list. See how he stacks up. Or just let it go for now, you have other big fish to fry. Srain is right. Keep going.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Taking a break from midterm studies to say thank you everyone.

He's currently out now going to a friend's roller derby tournament. Earlier he went to a double feature movie. He's miserable and wants very badly for something to take care of. I'm not letting it. My door is not open to him, and that's the bottom line.

Stupid midterm.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Last night he and a friend of his let loose a torrent of the usual "everything that's wrong with you." And then they topped it with "I can't believe you'r doing this to your best friend."

 

[Eleanor]

And you threw them out of the house, right? GRRRRR.

EL, is this a healthy situation for you to be in?