The Rules Of Engagement

[Pale Warrior]

Hi EL,

Here are some truisms that have bolstered me over the years.

The vampires can only hurt me if I invite them over my doorstep.​

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I will only be used as a doormat if I lay down and let people wipe their feet on me.​

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If it hurts when I do this [insert action] then stop doing it.​

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I cannot change the other person.​

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My no means no. If it means maybe it becomes worthless.​

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Look after yourself and have a (((((hug))))) from me. x

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[Eleanor]

Awesome rules PW! Especially like the one about the vampires...

I envision it in red, embroidered with roses of various colors around it...:D

 

[EloiseLandau]

I'm trying to find another place. hopefully one that allows cats.
Section 8 applications aren't being accepted right now.
So, I'm just looking.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Well, this wouldn't be the first time I've been the villain ....

 

[Eleanor]

I'm confused. Villain? How? :O_o: Lost.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Oh because I'm trying to leave. How dare I, after all we've had together, etc.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I can't even talk to him anymore without emotionally flooding. And then I can't get a word in sideways while he goes on about how he wants to help me before going on litany of what's wrong with me.

I'm judgmental. I'm overly sensitive. I am arrogant. I'm condescending. I scare his friends because my mood jumps. I'm damaged. I don't let things go. He really likes sex, I'm sexually damaged. I don't give him credit for trying to help me even when his attempt failed or made me worse.

Way to understand PTSD. Way to understand stress response to perceived threat, social idiocy, and just... stuff. He makes me sound like I'm malicious.

And this was his case for wanting me to stay; well, it started off with "I love you" and then became his frustrations.

If I shut down, I lose; I'm being stubborn. If I try to talk, I risk that torrent of pain becoming something twisted and accusing and hurtful.

I don't want to win, I just want him to either work with me (ha) or leave me alone so I can move along.

 

[Eleanor]

Yikes. You know that is abuse, right? (((((((EL))))))))

Ok, so you need to not live with him. Will he move out?
If not, here is my take (as a landlord). We don't, as a rule, take section 8's. The reasons for us, we have VERY nice houses (high security deposit, but we've financed it in the past - taken installments for tenants we wanted) and are looking for long term responsible and reliable tenants. People who have been "homeowners" their whole lives tend to treat rental houses like they own them (they are persnickity and take care of them.) People who are not paying their own rent don't "have any skin in the game". They are also harder to get rid of if they violate the lease etc. As a result, we don't really know anything about how to DO section 8. So we just ignore them. Why do I tell you this? Because if we had a little one bedroom house (which we don't) and someone came to us and explained their situation and that they used section 8 for rent, and why, and we checked their credit and found they were responsible and paid their bills on time, but were on disability or whatever which is why they used section 8 subsidy, AND showed us their place now and we saw it was well taken care of etc. We might well make an exception. And we are super landlords. (IMHO having been on both sides.) I don't know if you are up to it, but if you are you might try some non-section 8 places and see if you can "sell" yourself to a better class of landlord. You will doubtless get a lot of rejections before you figure out how to talk to them, and then find the right one, BUT, you would end up in a better place for your efforts. Don't know if this is do-able for you. Hope it is.

Keeping fingers crossed.

If it is any comfort (cold, I'm afraid) his inability to deal with you rationally, and your ability to shut up in the face of it is pretty good evidence that in the course of your relationship You have gotten better, and he has not. This is pretty much why long term relationships end. One person gets better, the other doesn't. Hurts like hell tho.:(

 

[doglover]

It sounds like there is history here that I'm not aware of... but when I read that last post from you I thought - has she told him that she feels like he is trying to control her recovery? Has she told him that his efforts to help are not helping? Has she set a boundary with him about this and asked him to back off?

I know those things are very hard to do when you're feeling triggered and threatened. Maybe you could put it in a letter? If he really cares for you, he can show you by backing off at your request.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Eleanor: I really appreciate the info you gave on section 8. I know there is already a stigma against it, but I also think there should be a chance for people who can prove they aren't going to be selling drugs out the back door and setting your carpet on fire. :D

(When I bought my car about 7 months ago, I found out I had a credit rating higher than 98% of the US population. Not necessarily bad for someone who's 35, maybe?) I could get references and pics, not a big deal. So it should just be a lot of footwork.

doglover, his need to fix people or things overlaps as part of his need to control. I told him I needed a partner, not a parent. I needed someone to work with me, not on me. He actually did a lot of secondary wounding in his attempts to "make me better." If he talks, it has to be in a way he says is a discussion, but it's really little more than an argument. And if I tell him how I need something, he accuses me of being controlling.

And I flood, and lash out, and he uses that as "you said you were getting better!" Or I flood and take a long time to respond, and he rolls his eyes.

At this point I'm wondering if I can live in my car.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Oh I'm sorry Eleanor...I forgot to say... I'm renting part of the house. x-supporter is the landlord. He can't hold me hostage, and I'm not worried he'll do anything to my stuff or my cat.

He keeps making short phrases about being out of his life forever. It's like he can't believe I'm doing this. Still.

 

[Srain]

EloiseLandau, I'm going ask you something and it may be offensive but it's coming from own experience as a victim of abuse, so ignore it if it doesn't fit.

Is there some part of you feeling like you deserve this type of treatment from a "loved one", like this is exactly what you should expect and deserve? Maybe because if he weren't saying these things you were would be saying them to yourself?

It's far from uncommon. It's not surprising that I left the origin of my abuse only to run straight into more abusive situations, nor was it unusual it would take me time and much therapy before I realized that I didn't really understand why some of that was so familiar to me, I didn't know how not to be around it. (I said familiar not comfortable, big difference.)

You surely deserve better treatment with the understand not everyone will ever be able to get the process you are going through and not everyone is cut out to be a Supporter, it's not an easy role.

Take good care,
Rain