The Rules Of Engagement

[EloiseLandau]

Not offended at all, Srain. It's a perfectly reasonable question.

I don't think it's because I think I deserve poor treatment, but rather, he's the only person who tried to sincerely help me. Except in his case, it's very much like a music conductor who is trying to lead the orchestra, but has never played a single instrument in his life, himself.

So he's still severed as my Supporter, and I think it grieves him that he thinks he failed at something. I can't do much about that; he's got a therapy appointment with someone else thanks to me, and it's up to him to recognize he's got his own shortcomings.

It has been tougher without a Supporter in some ways, but it was tougher with one in others, so it's a matter of adjusting myself and coping with a new challenge.

We tried couples therapy for some months and the therapist kept taking his side of things, because he speaks so much better than I do. I felt that wasn't a conducive environment to cooperation, especially when the therapist suggested maybe it's okay to capitulate and let him "take care of me." No, I said, it wasn't okay, because the issues would still be there, he'd just think he was in charge.

X-supporter gave me less than what I needed, and I tried to work with that and be satisfied. I could not. I still filled with pain, and anxiety, and I kept reacting like everyone was the enemy. I tried to tell x-supporter what I needed, and he grew defensive. So I spelled it out carefully: I needed a place to feel safe, and I needed validation, not argument or diminishment. As I could not get it from where I was, I would go to where I had to.

He's the one that said I burned him out and ruined many of his days. Why would he want me to stay then, anyway?

 

[Panama Pete]

Why is it every time I talk about leaving him, he suddenly becomes a lot more reasonable? ??

Excuse my bluntness, but this guy sounds like an asshole. He wants you to make nice with the "other woman"? What kind of crap is that? The quote I referenced in starting my post also points out, at least to me, that this guy just wants to hold on to you and get all he can from you. This guy is NOT helping you to get better, he is trying to drag you back down into the swamp. If someone truly cares for you then they would not cheat on you and then get upset with you for not becoming friends with "her". If I even thought about something like this my wife would go "Lorena Bobbit" on me, and I would deserve it!

 

[EloiseLandau]

He has been very surprised by how unforgiving I have been... not mean, or vengeful, but I haven't forgiven, and in truth it's been a more liberating experience to not feel pressured to forgive.

In his life, I have been the only person to consistently have his back, to show loyalty above and beyond the average friend, and while I have made it clear I would have his back again, it's less because of being friends and more because that is what I would do for any human being who needed a hand and at least tried to be decent.

Losing me means he's lost his closest and, strangely, his strongest friend. He is bitterly regretting many decisions he made because he thought he knew better.

When I walked by earlier, I saw him on his computer reading articles on how to interact with someone with PTSD. Curious.

 

[Panama Pete]

In his life, I have been the only person to consistently have his back, to show loyalty above and beyond the average friend, and while I have made it clear I would have his back again...

As an old Army Sergeant I happen to know a little about having someone's back and loyalty. The main thing to remember when it comes to loyalty is that it is a two way street, just like respect. If only one side of the equation is providing loyalty and respect and the other is not, then the equation is out of balance and can not remain in existence. That is something I remember from H.S. chemistry oh so many years ago. Bottom line, both persons in any kind of relationship, whether it is a marriage or just a casual friends to anything in between requires BOTH parties providing loyalty and respect for each other in order for the relationship to be viable. If one party is not pulling their weight, the relationship is out of balance and like an out of balance chemical equation it will collapse in time because of it.

**** Man, I can't believe I actually remembered, much less used, H.S. chemistry after all these years. I think I just impressed myself. :-)

 

[EloiseLandau]

Technically, out of balance chemical equations are required for system reactions to occur :D

I'm still going on with my life... it's just there's a lot less of him in it. A lot lot lot less.

 

[Eleanor]

EL - Keep going! You have great things ahead:tup:.

Two things 1) You are not being unforgiving. Forgiveness has nothing to do with it. You are being realistic and pragmatic. He demonstrates serious capacity and willingness to change, well, things might be different. Odds are against tho. Remember, we live in a people rich world and you deserve a supporter as good as the best on here (high bar!)

2) On the section 8. You might take along a copy of the whole of your credit report (which you can get for free from Transunion I know - you sign up for the free trial... then cancel) so you can show potential landlords that you are responsible with your money. Let me know how it goes... You might also (if the landlord seems reliable - get references from other tenants) offer to sign a longer term lease. Landlords like security too!

If someone truly cares for you then they would not cheat on you and then get upset with you for not becoming friends with "her". If I even thought about something like this my wife would go "Lorena Bobbit" on me, and I would deserve it!

My H and I early on in my relationships were watching some interview with some retired general and his wife and the interviewer asked her if she ever had worried about him having an affair when he was deployed and she said "Oh, No!" and then he chimed in to explain that that was because he understood that if he did cheat, his last moments on this earth would be lying on the ground with his wife above him holding his gun demanding that he explain to her "how to reload this damn thing!" I told my H, 'that sounds about right'. He just smiled - not to worry. Cheating is not in his nature. Whew for both of us:D.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Hey Eleanor, thank you for the advice. I will have to look into that. Soon.

Yesterday a particular woman sent an invite for dinner this week. I sincerely hope, despite the reigniting of pain inside of me, no one expects I'm going to roll over at this point....

 

[EloiseLandau]

Cried Sunday. Cried Monday. Cried Tuesday. X-supporter is getting increasingly desperate to get me to talk to him. He still respects my need for privacy though.

Would be nice to stop crying

 

[Eleanor]

((((((((EL)))))))) Hugs and tissues...

 

[EloiseLandau]

Well, I think I can list my status as being "really single for certain now."

When he said he was of two minds on how he wanted things to resolve, but then kept taking the other person's side... and when he talked about MY issues as if this were MY problem alone and he didn't have issues to work on, and how he kept agreeing with the other person, and even went so far as to tell me "I need validation" is a really clinical term and doesn't tell people what I really need so it's my fault I was being misunderstood.... goodness he makes a grand case for our compatibility and for me to stay.

As an aside, if the phrase "I need validation" is so ambiguous, doesn't help to, I dunno...ASK instead of saying "okay"? Silly me.

On the other hand, I could finally look at x-supporter for the first time in weeks and not feel pain. Just a sort of regret and something "as close to love" as I could get (because according to him, if I loved him enough, we would resolve this).

I think I need more kleenex.

 

[Eleanor]

Yup, EL. NO doubt about it. You've gotten better. He hasn't. While it is true "validation" isn't specific - it is generally informative and in the context of a long term relationship one might reasonably expect the other person to have a fair to good idea of what might meet that particular need. If they wanted clarification it would be good to ask for clarification. As in, "I want to give you validation, but I'm not quite sure what would do it here, is my saying I understand enough, or do you need me to do something specific?" (hug, leave you alone, or whatever). I have a hard time seeing how it is grounds for complaint?!?

I'm thinking your next guy will be a hefty cut above this one. Keep working on you, and strengthening your commitment to your own improvement, and you'll find a really super partner who can Actually support you (and will appreciate your efforts to support him!)

One of the things I am grateful for about my ex-H is that every interaction I have with him I am reminded why it was such a good idea to divorce him:O_o:.

"Love is not enough" - to quote a sage person and sticky post on this very site! And he is not willing to do the work.

Passing the kleenex... (((((EL))))))

 

[EloiseLandau]

All the nasty mean crap he used to tell me... now he doesn't want to deal with. He says that's between me and my therapist. He can only improve things for the future, but he can't help me with the stuff he said tha's lodged in my brain.

Is this normal?