Ecdysis
Sponsor
So, all my life, I've "coped" with PTSD and the other fallout from trauma.
For a long time, in my 20s and 30s, I was way too symptomatic and hypervigilant and scared of being "trapped" somehow, to apply for the kind of assistance that I really needed.
After being re-traumatised badly a few years ago and having half a dozen other major life stressors hit one after another, I've been at a point for quite a while where I'm simply not coping anymore and suicidal ideation is a permanent feature.
Inpatient therapy is not an option right now, so instead I've applied for an assisted living programme. I had an initial appointment with the provider today and next week is the second appointment - with the region's health department - where they do an initial medical assessment (in my case psychological assessment). Then, in January, there will be a 3rd appt (which will be the most complicated one) where they do a several hours long assessment of what assistance is required and when and how.
I'm so torn about it... On the one hand, there's still palpable fear that this will turn into some kind of "trap" and I'll be worse off than before and my PTSD will get hyper-symptomatic and things may sprial badly. On another hand, I'm feeling a vague sense of hope and relief, that this *might* actually be helpful. And on another hand, I feel a lot of shame about this being necessary. I don't want to be someone who needs an assisted living programme.
I mean, I've needed one ever since I can remember... As a child, I needed to be in a children's home or a foster family, but that didn't happen. As a young adult, no-contact to my family of origin and traumatised out of my mind, I needed an assisted living programme but was so scared of getting trapped in it, that I rather risked death than that. So, the whole thing has been decades overdue but still I struggle to accept that I need this help.
Previously, I've always muddled through on my own - and sought limited, temporary help when I was in crisis. But this current phase has been going on way too long for it to be a "temporary crisis" and there's no sign it'll be over any time soon. I feel like this assisted living programme is the only/ best chance I've got.
I feel like an idiot for being an adult who's not coping with her life... I dunno if I can maybe re-frame it as my inner child who went through so much trauma and abuse and neglect, finally getting the help she needs? Maybe that makes it a bit less shameful feeling.
For a long time, in my 20s and 30s, I was way too symptomatic and hypervigilant and scared of being "trapped" somehow, to apply for the kind of assistance that I really needed.
After being re-traumatised badly a few years ago and having half a dozen other major life stressors hit one after another, I've been at a point for quite a while where I'm simply not coping anymore and suicidal ideation is a permanent feature.
Inpatient therapy is not an option right now, so instead I've applied for an assisted living programme. I had an initial appointment with the provider today and next week is the second appointment - with the region's health department - where they do an initial medical assessment (in my case psychological assessment). Then, in January, there will be a 3rd appt (which will be the most complicated one) where they do a several hours long assessment of what assistance is required and when and how.
I'm so torn about it... On the one hand, there's still palpable fear that this will turn into some kind of "trap" and I'll be worse off than before and my PTSD will get hyper-symptomatic and things may sprial badly. On another hand, I'm feeling a vague sense of hope and relief, that this *might* actually be helpful. And on another hand, I feel a lot of shame about this being necessary. I don't want to be someone who needs an assisted living programme.
I mean, I've needed one ever since I can remember... As a child, I needed to be in a children's home or a foster family, but that didn't happen. As a young adult, no-contact to my family of origin and traumatised out of my mind, I needed an assisted living programme but was so scared of getting trapped in it, that I rather risked death than that. So, the whole thing has been decades overdue but still I struggle to accept that I need this help.
Previously, I've always muddled through on my own - and sought limited, temporary help when I was in crisis. But this current phase has been going on way too long for it to be a "temporary crisis" and there's no sign it'll be over any time soon. I feel like this assisted living programme is the only/ best chance I've got.
I feel like an idiot for being an adult who's not coping with her life... I dunno if I can maybe re-frame it as my inner child who went through so much trauma and abuse and neglect, finally getting the help she needs? Maybe that makes it a bit less shameful feeling.