The Stressful Weekend

[dougyhowzer]

So Friday I received an email from an old sibling who wanted me to reach out to biological mother because she told him that she misses me .

Just the fact that he emailed me brought about so much pain for all the verbal abuse he caused just because I made some mistakes and lied to him repeatedly .

So I basically replied to his email and told him why I haven't had any contact with the biological mother . I mentioned the abuse and and he also felt sorry for whatever he did that I deemed unforgivable .

This siong doesn't understand that forgiveness does not equal reconcillation and that reconcillation takes two people to make it work .

He also mentioned that he is willing to meet with my counsellor , but I don't really think he is serious about to change. I believe he will just justify his actions towards me regarding our past issues .

But that is simply not acceptable to me . I told him my personal issues with him , and that I will not tolerate the status quo in our relationship .
In the last two years we had maybe 2 email exchanges and it sounded like there had been no change wth him .

I don't think he really genuine cares about the relationship .

So I am reaching out for some advice , many of you suffer from ptsd like me . What would you suggest . The last thing I want to do is meet with him and just do the blaming game , and after all the verbal abuse I honestly don't even know if I want to try to reconcile .

But do I owe him and myself the opportunity to see if reconciling is possible ?

 

[shimmerz]

IDK, the way I see it these days, for people who have been , let's say, not so kind to me in my past, I need to see the amount of energy they put into abusing me, into the effort of making amends. Doesn't sound like an email saying 'hey sorry about that shit but why don't you just hang out with BMom' would cut it. I would also have to ask why BMom doesn't do her own dirty work. Why isn't she coming at you and apologizing? I don't know enough about the story, but this is the way I kind see what you have written here.

 

[dougyhowzer]

I myself was wondering the same thing , but I do believe she doesn't want to face and deal with the stuff I uncovered .

She can say she misses so much till the cows come home , but unless she is willing to reach out to me her self , and come to counselling and get professional help herself , then I don't see reconcillation possible .

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

I agree about the issue of seeing your birth mother. Both sides have to meet in the middle, I think

As far as reconciling with your sibling, I think it could go either way. So not being sure what his motives are and how motivated he is to change, I might suggest talking on the phone a couple times to feel him out. And I would definitely have an exit strategy to get off the phone with him in case the conversation starts going in a direction that is not healthy for you.

If it appears after talking to him that he is really ready for reconciliation then I would try going to therapy with him.

That is probably what I would do if I were in your position.

Hope it works out - Laurie

 

[illusionist]

Until you are sure you want to reconcile for the right reasons, don't even consider it.

 

[Born to Run]

I think there is nothing like 'owing' something to people, who abused you in the past. I can not find an argument in your post in which you express you want to reconcile. Trust your instincts.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have no relationship with my siblings who somehow continue to batter me regardless of not talking to me. They and my Mom have their life which includes scapegoating me and blaming me for the separation. I have explained too many times to my Mother who is on their side. Frankly, I have good friends that are like sisters should be and some older women that replace what I never got from a life of neglect. I guess I'll see them when my mom dies but that will be the last time.

No one has ever, not even once, apologized for the pain they caused me. They are a pack of rabid dogs with my mother being their ice queen. F... them

 

[dougyhowzer]

Thanks for all the replies. I find it very interesting what Kwan said regarding not giving an apology for all the hurt they caused .
It's interesting , because the only time bmom apologized to me is is when I confronted her about the secrets she kept from me.

Instead she made all sorts of excuses to justify her choices that she she made on the behalf of me , my sister and my brother. but the only benefits that she made benefitted her , and her alone.

The deal with my other sibling , is that he would only apologize when he would act like an a-hole, but when it came to the verbal abuse , he never apologized for it , He was always putting me on the spot , calling me horrible names , and never showing remorse , its like I had to make amends .

When it came to making choices that didnt benefit him , he would make a huge deal , and never accept my reasons.
He and my bmom as far as I could see , where major control people.

It's also interesting , that the only times he has emailed me , it was always concerning me and bmom.
If anything besides that , he would ask me how I am doing with working on my issues, it was like he never saw that my problems were with him and others .

He thinks I havent forgiven him , and he just wants me to acknowledge the wrongs I committed against him , just to prove him right.
and to apologize to him and forgive him so that we can re hook up and move forward, but he doesn't understand that forgiveness doesn't mean automatic reconcillation.

I just don t think he is willing to admit to the issues that I have with him and willing to work on em

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sibling abuse is hugely under rated. I mean, we got incubated in this dysfunctional family dynamic. Years and years. Well, I finished with them 15 years ago but still have to listen to my mom blaming me. As a mother myself, I never allowed my children to harass one another. I taught them to love and encourage one another. My daughter went to all my sons football games, even in college, and he went to her ballet and dance recitals. They are in their 30s and are super close and love one another. It's beautiful.

 

[dougyhowzer]

Thanks Kwan . I am still unsure if reconciling . The last two years , not having my older siblings and b mom being involved in my life has actually been a blessing .

I wonder however , if Inshould give my sibling a chance . He is willing to meet with me and my counsellor , but again I wonder what his motives are .

At the same time though , he made a valid point that we can only work out our differences if I am willing to meet with him .

Maybe he has changed . I don't know .

I do know however that I have a new very loving and accepting family and I will be seeking their wisdom as well .