So I have a big problem with staying present. I have been working on this with my therapist for a long time. We work on mindful meditation and grounding exercises and it's getting to the point where I wish we could go back to talk therapy because this is starting to frustrate the crap out of me.
It took a few years for me to even understand the dual consciousness she was talking about regarding inward and outward focus. I am starting to grasp 'inward focus' due to the meditation.
However, I am 56 years old and have spent ALL of those years being hypervigilant and dissociating. Shifting to being inwardly focused is so difficult for me for more than say, 30 seconds ?, when I am not meditating.
When not outward focused, I am so up in my head, deep in thought. These are my 2 states. She explained to me that it is natural to shift around between states depending on what's going on.
A few times, I focused on this during long hikes. I was alone, no people, just a chance to work. Still, the hypervigilance dominates ("oh what a pretty tree, look at that squirrel" on and on...) or deep in thought. I think when I am pushing up a hill, I am mostly in my body because it is hard work and demands attention. However, just walking along and trying to stay present - never for long.
I am having a really hard time believing that this can be a normal state for me. I know meditation will help, but how to carry it through the day? It feels silly/strange to focus on my breathing and that this is what "normal" people do. I am feeling as though I am too old to ever learn how to make this more than a few effortful fleeting moments per day. Ugh.
I understand that even knowing what staying present means and feels like is huge progress but breaking the habit of the constant hypervigilance seems impossible.
It took a few years for me to even understand the dual consciousness she was talking about regarding inward and outward focus. I am starting to grasp 'inward focus' due to the meditation.
However, I am 56 years old and have spent ALL of those years being hypervigilant and dissociating. Shifting to being inwardly focused is so difficult for me for more than say, 30 seconds ?, when I am not meditating.
When not outward focused, I am so up in my head, deep in thought. These are my 2 states. She explained to me that it is natural to shift around between states depending on what's going on.
A few times, I focused on this during long hikes. I was alone, no people, just a chance to work. Still, the hypervigilance dominates ("oh what a pretty tree, look at that squirrel" on and on...) or deep in thought. I think when I am pushing up a hill, I am mostly in my body because it is hard work and demands attention. However, just walking along and trying to stay present - never for long.
I am having a really hard time believing that this can be a normal state for me. I know meditation will help, but how to carry it through the day? It feels silly/strange to focus on my breathing and that this is what "normal" people do. I am feeling as though I am too old to ever learn how to make this more than a few effortful fleeting moments per day. Ugh.
I understand that even knowing what staying present means and feels like is huge progress but breaking the habit of the constant hypervigilance seems impossible.
