The Sudden End

[Leah123]

Yeah, I am hurt and could hardly tell her what's gone wrong anymore, it's getting so big. She thought she had to write me a letter justifying her beliefs, which didn't even succeed, when really.... the therapy should have been about me... not her judgment of me, not her discomfort with what I cared about (which I promise harms no one and is legal, etc.) but about... how I was climbing up from despair with these tools and needed some support and encouragement to care about something instead of lose to despair. She got caught up in my words and lost track of where we needed to go. :( No frame.

It would've been fine for a debate some night, with friends or adversaries or whatever... but... not this, not like this.

But she would just say she practices relational therapy I suspect so that her opinions and ideas and reactions matter, she's human, yadda yadda. :(

I told her yesterday that... for free I could find people to argue and challenge... sigh. Came to her for safety to say hard things that mattered to me without that reaction. :( I really wanted.... to find some solid ground.

 

[Suzetig]

I've been in relational therapy for nearly 3 years and I know mine would never behave that way.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm so sorry @Leah123 this really sounds awful. I'mean trying to imagine myself in your shoes and just hope I never can.

I've never read any of your previous posts, so I can't really offer an opinion on much. You don't know me at all....but I do hear pain and even anger in your words.

Grieve this loss and vent your feelings. Maybe some sorting can come a bit later. Just don't rush yourself or start trying to figure out the next steps right now. There'll be time for that later.

 

[Leah123]

I am angry. I'm angry to be so different that even my good enough mother cannot hear me and embrace me. Or even.... keep calm through it to get to the other side. :(

 

[Suzetig]

I think that's the problem, we all have times that we aren't "good enough", your therapist can't be good enough all the time but when the therapeutic relationship becomes so enmeshed it's much harder to get back on track because she's lost her boundary, eg that she's your therapist, not your mother.

There also a time when, as adults, we need to accept that our parents let us down and sometimes can't give us what we want or need. It may be that hard as it is, you're needing to pull away from your "mother" because you're at a stage where you don't need parented any longer.

 

[Leah123]

Oh yes, I've been through that many times in our therapy- letdowns are normal and unavoidable and really good for growth actually. So, I've experienced and learned that in this therapy and worked through those occurrences.

It's the lack of respect I feel and the lack of clarity she has right now that's getting me, that's destructive.

Just to clarify- she's my 'good enough mother' therapist- not a mother, but able to provide some mothering in therapy.

But I think having a relationship with a parental figure is great long term, just as many adults do- while the needs and relationship change, it's still good for adults to have parental figures in their lives when those are healthy relationships.

I don't have my parents or much in the way of relatives to fill those roles, so... I've been glad to have a therapist with good availability, openness, capacity. It's a unique situation for sure.

 

[Suzetig]

I understand the concept of "good enough" mother and the idea of reparenting in therapy, and I know you've been working with her in a way that would generally be considered unconventional (not wrong, but far outside what would be considered usual).

I guess in any parenting relationship there are going to be clashes and I know you've had your ups and downs with her but this somehow feels different to you. More final perhaps? I'm not entirely sure why her opinion of your beliefs matters to you - if you have a belief system that works for you and doesn't harm anyone really that's a lovely thing. It sounds like you've hit each other's buttons badly and only you know how fixable it is.

 

[Leah123]

P.S. Thanks for listening. It's good to just.. have someone know what's going on w/me and be thoughtful and listen.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm sorry you've been left so sore @Leah123 its horrible when that happens. I hope you get some measure of peace with it/her.

 

[scout86]

I don't know much about relational therapy. My T has mentioned reparenting, but I kind of ducked the topic at the time. So I'm guessing.

It seems like an important point in a parent/child relationship is that you don't bail on the relationship. As my T HAS said, you can walk out of the room, but you have to come back. It seems like she's defeating her own purpose if she just gets mad and quits. It seems like you should be learning that people can get mad and not quit.

 

[Leah123]

I don't know much about relational therapy. My T has mentioned reparenting, but I kind of ducked the to...

I asked her for that a while back... that if we were falling apart... she would work to hold us together. I know she can't do it on her own... but yes, I admit to wanting the trust of knowing.... she's holding steady.

It's on me that I said I couldn't do this anymore and she would see me again, but again- just saying "I'm here" isn't the same as being here. She's not "there" to work through this... she's there with trite phrases like and not thinking it through. :(

 

[Suzetig]

I think though sometimes there isn't anything more to say - you've both expressed your views about whatever, neither of you are going to move and you said you wanted to go (if I'm picking it up right?). I do hear for you it's more that you didn't feel heard than that she didn't agree with you - and I'm thinking you've told her that?

If so there's probably not much to say but that doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship. But you'd both need to be ok with fundamentally disagreeing on your respective belief systems and you might find that inhibiting your therapy.