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Deleted member 37085
With p.t.s.d., then the diagnosed many years ago a.d.h.d., and also dyslexia, writing in this forum and paragraphs well...it takes so much out of me to post anything...re-writes, trying to paragraph correctly (flunked english in school), re-reading, corrections...so many freaking corrections in my wording, spelling, trying to come out of my brain and put down in this forum's threads, trauma diaries, etc., so others can read my thoughts...it's hell to paragraph correctly and punctuate, paragraph, etc. also troublesome here at home in my own private trauma journal what I am thinking, feeling on the written page.
So by the time I do one post in a thread, or in mine or in/about another forum member's trauma diary...and/or threads, I'm emotionally and physically spent and my brain seems to become mush trying to paragraph correctly, etc. And also currently being in a writing class that I rejoined recently, well in many months (in both classes) I've only written and shared twice in this Friday class due to my inability to write clearly and paragraph succinctly, etc.
I have recently purchased and am trying to read the book re a.d.h.d. something about I'm not lazy, crazy, or stupid (title is something like that and this is NOT exactly the title) and I so relate to the contents of this book in that I'm having to learn how to comprehend the written word and even the spoken word by utilizing different techniques of/by doing so and I'm trying to write and paragraph better also. So beyond Frustrating! Extremely Exhausting! And I'm also dealing with being called by the father "You're stupid and you'll never amount to anything!" So very hard to post...fear of rejection, fear of isolation, fear of abandonment...so many fears due to post and past extreme torture and trauma! And I shudder to think of the English majors here in forum...and how I can be like fingernails on the chalkboard with my writing (paragraphing, etc.) deficiencies that have been with me since grade school (was put in remedial reading as a little girl).
What it takes for me to post in this forum...well...this is why I don't post much anymore in this forum...and also why in this writing class I attend that I have shared only two stories with the writing class in many months. Still willing to try...and that says a lot about me even with what I'm up against...and can finally admit to are...major learning disabilities including paragraphing correctly.
This so explains why I was never able to finish college (not just due to p.t.s.d.) no...it's also due to a.d.h.d. and dyslexia. So many head beating strikes, '70-'71 car crash and 2012 bike/car collision and one on-paper clinically documented concussion and multiple (?) not clinically logged on paper - concussions through the beatings, stompings, kickings by the "caregivers", so much emotional humiliation that it's a wonder I can post anything at all...let alone anything readable, relatable here in this forum.
And the torturous sexual, verbal, emotional, and physical beating multiple, multiple traumas...(I was even electrocuted as a small child which must have had a severe and deleterious cognitive effect on my brain), and in violent death-defying car crashes which I'm sure has not cognitively aided me in my postings here in forum). For me, it's a blooming miracle that I can post coherently anything at all here in forum and out here in my personal trauma journal.
I am beyond grateful that anyone reads my posted gibberish in here...and I am struggling to speak coherently and succinctly in this forum.
Thanks for reading anything that I've ever posted...and my trauma diary is a nightmare to read...I get that. When I first started posting here in forum...I was relieved that I could type and express anything that anyone might be able to relate to...at first paralyzing fear...and now I'm beyond grateful that anyone cared enough to reading my earlier ramblings, rantings, and emotional gibberish to even "like" anything...for I was extremely suicidal...just wanted to die...and was not so concerned about paragraphs, punctuation and writing etiquette...as I was again just wanting the extreme pain to stop thus thinking then that I wanted to permanently leave and had been making plans to do so. Perhaps some that post here in forum are exactly where I was re S/I and are not being necessarily inconsiderate...they are just crying out for forum members to help them to relate to them where they are in their ptsd journey...ya know...meet them where they are...and not where the forum member reading their posts are at the moment in time....as so many forum members have helped me. Dunno. Just my thoughts...
Again, so beyond grateful that my absence of English and writing etiquette has not kept some forum members from relating to my extreme trauma posts and also my caring enough to risk and look "stupid" by posting ramblings of my past, present, and future thoughts here in forum...and anyone that "likes" and reads anything I've posted here in forum (not being a victim here...nor being a martyr)...no...no...
I am a survivor of extreme unthinkable, and mind-bending, mind-blowing destructive cruel and vicious trauma...and that I can write anything at all...and share anything in here at all...that is readable, relatable...and that other beloved members here can understand to me is a freaking MIRACLE...for my posts at times can be the least bit digestible and coherent to the readers aka members and it's again a blooming, flipping miracle...that anyone can relate to what I've posted here in forum.
For I was told as a small invisible little girl child self to "shut up, wipe that look of of your face" and I was systematically by my abusers trained to be INVISIBLE as a small little girl child all the way up into my adulthood...so now my at times rambling and empty words cannot ever fully express and detail how extremely difficult it is for me to post anything! Just sayin'.
Posting is so difficult for me...heart in throat...doing the best that I can. Period. With what I have left to work with post traumatic hell.
So by the time I do one post in a thread, or in mine or in/about another forum member's trauma diary...and/or threads, I'm emotionally and physically spent and my brain seems to become mush trying to paragraph correctly, etc. And also currently being in a writing class that I rejoined recently, well in many months (in both classes) I've only written and shared twice in this Friday class due to my inability to write clearly and paragraph succinctly, etc.
I have recently purchased and am trying to read the book re a.d.h.d. something about I'm not lazy, crazy, or stupid (title is something like that and this is NOT exactly the title) and I so relate to the contents of this book in that I'm having to learn how to comprehend the written word and even the spoken word by utilizing different techniques of/by doing so and I'm trying to write and paragraph better also. So beyond Frustrating! Extremely Exhausting! And I'm also dealing with being called by the father "You're stupid and you'll never amount to anything!" So very hard to post...fear of rejection, fear of isolation, fear of abandonment...so many fears due to post and past extreme torture and trauma! And I shudder to think of the English majors here in forum...and how I can be like fingernails on the chalkboard with my writing (paragraphing, etc.) deficiencies that have been with me since grade school (was put in remedial reading as a little girl).
What it takes for me to post in this forum...well...this is why I don't post much anymore in this forum...and also why in this writing class I attend that I have shared only two stories with the writing class in many months. Still willing to try...and that says a lot about me even with what I'm up against...and can finally admit to are...major learning disabilities including paragraphing correctly.
This so explains why I was never able to finish college (not just due to p.t.s.d.) no...it's also due to a.d.h.d. and dyslexia. So many head beating strikes, '70-'71 car crash and 2012 bike/car collision and one on-paper clinically documented concussion and multiple (?) not clinically logged on paper - concussions through the beatings, stompings, kickings by the "caregivers", so much emotional humiliation that it's a wonder I can post anything at all...let alone anything readable, relatable here in this forum.
And the torturous sexual, verbal, emotional, and physical beating multiple, multiple traumas...(I was even electrocuted as a small child which must have had a severe and deleterious cognitive effect on my brain), and in violent death-defying car crashes which I'm sure has not cognitively aided me in my postings here in forum). For me, it's a blooming miracle that I can post coherently anything at all here in forum and out here in my personal trauma journal.
I am beyond grateful that anyone reads my posted gibberish in here...and I am struggling to speak coherently and succinctly in this forum.
Thanks for reading anything that I've ever posted...and my trauma diary is a nightmare to read...I get that. When I first started posting here in forum...I was relieved that I could type and express anything that anyone might be able to relate to...at first paralyzing fear...and now I'm beyond grateful that anyone cared enough to reading my earlier ramblings, rantings, and emotional gibberish to even "like" anything...for I was extremely suicidal...just wanted to die...and was not so concerned about paragraphs, punctuation and writing etiquette...as I was again just wanting the extreme pain to stop thus thinking then that I wanted to permanently leave and had been making plans to do so. Perhaps some that post here in forum are exactly where I was re S/I and are not being necessarily inconsiderate...they are just crying out for forum members to help them to relate to them where they are in their ptsd journey...ya know...meet them where they are...and not where the forum member reading their posts are at the moment in time....as so many forum members have helped me. Dunno. Just my thoughts...
Again, so beyond grateful that my absence of English and writing etiquette has not kept some forum members from relating to my extreme trauma posts and also my caring enough to risk and look "stupid" by posting ramblings of my past, present, and future thoughts here in forum...and anyone that "likes" and reads anything I've posted here in forum (not being a victim here...nor being a martyr)...no...no...
I am a survivor of extreme unthinkable, and mind-bending, mind-blowing destructive cruel and vicious trauma...and that I can write anything at all...and share anything in here at all...that is readable, relatable...and that other beloved members here can understand to me is a freaking MIRACLE...for my posts at times can be the least bit digestible and coherent to the readers aka members and it's again a blooming, flipping miracle...that anyone can relate to what I've posted here in forum.
For I was told as a small invisible little girl child self to "shut up, wipe that look of of your face" and I was systematically by my abusers trained to be INVISIBLE as a small little girl child all the way up into my adulthood...so now my at times rambling and empty words cannot ever fully express and detail how extremely difficult it is for me to post anything! Just sayin'.
Posting is so difficult for me...heart in throat...doing the best that I can. Period. With what I have left to work with post traumatic hell.
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