The Uncle Fight

[Upside Down Eagle]

About a month ago I went to visit my uncle and take my cat, who's living with him, to the vet. When we were done, he suggested that he had some leftover furniture standing around that I could have. He offered to load it up in the car and drive back to my place. We were still at his place when he mentioned I was acting like a bitch (not in those words). I was surprised because at that moment I wasn't conscious of behaving that way. I told him sorry and I tried to change my act.

He proceeded to put his hands under his shirt and stroke his chest and his belly all the time, which is a trigger for me and made me more edgy. Then we went in the car to my place. Being in cars with people, when things are already tense, is a really bad idea. I got into a panick attack where my mind imagined he was physically violating me and loving it, too. I felt like the car ride was actually a severe act of molestation. I tried to communicate about the situation and tried to talk to him, about anything, just to put my mind off the sick crap it was coming up with.

But he said he didn't know anything to say. At my place I got out of the car and put the furniture inside. I told him I regretted ruining his day, but that I did not feel it was correct to apologize to him. Because I do not choose panick attacks. Because the panick attacks ruin my life just like anybody else's -I am not responsible for them. The next day I tried to explain it to him in a mail, but he wrote to me that he doesn't believe I don't act that way on purpose. I also rang my grandma about it (his mother) and she told me he's tired of "talking about everything".

Which means that he's "tired" of "talking about my past" which is like "an excuse to behave this way". My grandma actually told me that I am all grown up now and I have no reason to put up scenes like these despite what happened in the past. As if I were staging these anxiety attacks for entertainment. She told me that if I am going to have the PTSD thing for the rest of my life, I might as well just never talk to my uncle again. She also told me that this would deeply damage my relationship with her as well.

Huge story. Thanks for reading, if you did! :-)
I'm very interested to hear your opinions on the matter...

 

[safenow]

Hi Radise, you sweet thing you.

I am so sorry your uncle is the way he is. I used to have an uncle who tripped my triggers every time his name was mentioned, let alone how bad it got when I was anywhere near him, or heard he wanted to see me. Sigh.

I am also sorry your grandmother said what she did. She was totally in the wrong for saying that to you. The only saving grace is she comes from a time period that had no clue it was not normal to be treated this way. Sigh. Not an excuse for her, just a fact.

Did you return your cat to your uncle's house? I sure hope not. That is one part I think your grandma had correct. Try to avoid seeing him. IF she cuts you off, I pray you have the strength and courage to let her know that is her decision, not yours. Let her know you still love her, then try to keep yourself busy until she remembers how much she really does love you and gets in touch with you.

Be sure to keep breathing, and I'll see you around the forum.
Safenow

 

[nursenurse]

Dear Radise, I am so sorry for you. I wish your dear Grandma could be more supportive. It's not like on some scale that neither have ever had uncontrollable thoughts or feelings. I agree with Safenow, in that Grandma is likely caught up in the generational denial of anything related to the psyche. You were either crazy and locked away, or lazy and undisciplined if you didn't follow the norm. Most Grannies, however, love their grand kids. I don't know if she knows all that has gone on with you, but at any rate, I hope and pray she will keep seeing you as her grandchild, worthy of loving, as you love her back.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Radise,

I am sorry your Uncle behaved like this. However I think sometimes you just have to let it be, and avoid contact with such people wherever possible. Many people simply don't understand trauma, panic attacks or even the concept of mental health in general. No amount of trying to explain is likely to get through so you will only be wasting your time and upsetting yourself further.

It sounds like your grandma is similar. Traditionally mental health has not been an acceptable topic of conversation. Of course that is not right, but I guess she is of an older generation and a product of her time. She is the mother of your uncle so it is hardly surprising they are so alike.

I suppose the answer is to try and surround yourself who do understand and keep these others at a distance. You don't need their attitude!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks! The stupid thing about all of this, is that my uncle's always been great to me the whole of my life. Both of them knew I had PTSD, they just were never personally confronted with it until now. For that reason, I would like to resolve it, instead of never seeing him again and having my grandma be mad of me for it, for the rest of her days.

I don't know how though! If he's going to stay stuck in this stance where he just doesn't want to understand, then I guess you are right. This has happened in the past with my dad, and I apologized so many times for having PTSD (even though he was partly responsible for it being there) that now thinking back it makes me want to puke. I'm not apologizing for being who I am again.

You're right about them being stuck in the past, too. They've been that way all their lives (my other grandma is the complete opposite of that! Even has an ipad). I completely hate it when I have a fight with people I love over silly stuff like this. It seems completely ridiculous...

 

[nursenurse]

There is nothing to apologize for. You can say you are sorry they don't understand, but to say you are sorry for something that was thrust upon you through no choice of your own is ludicrous and self defeating. If Granny has an iPad, then Granny can google and find out about this. Sit them down calmly, armed with information, even print outs for their perusal later. It sounds like they may be frustrated, and that may be because they do not understand. No guarantees, but I am glad you want to try to have them in your life. You cannot do it at all cost. It is normal to feel badly when someone doesn't understand. However, once armed with the tools of the understanding, if they continue to reject you, that is when you have to step back and take stock of yourself, the situation, and how to preserve yourself. For some folks, it could mean a little distance. For others, it comes down to cutting them out totally. You will know if and when the time comes. For now, take your time, maybe some distance, arm them with info (it is one thing to talk about it, another to present them with literature), and don't forget to let them know how you feel when confronted with rejection by them. Calm, cool, maybe even written down as well. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised. If not, you will have to move on in some way. Your feelings are not silly. They are real, they are valid, and no one has the right to minimize them.

 

[The Albatross]

The sad fact is that we wear people out. People get tired or fed up with our particular reactions and sometime we become "too difficult" to deal with. I think you did a lot of things right, but that you're getting the signal from one or more family members that the "jig" is up and they are ready for you to move on as best as you can.

Unfortunately, when we are reactive it is hard. People perceive often that it is something that is a choice. It is not that simple for us but, with time and practice we can bump off the worst of the behaviors. Management is key, emotional regulation too.

Glad you could write about it and get some feedback.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I love the "it's ok if you have PTSD and I accept it----as long as I don't have to see it" attitude! This is what I call the opposite of support. They want to seem supportive, but in reality they aren't.

I think that older generations see our episodes as adult temper tantrums that we should have outgrown. If only it was that easy...

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Haha yeah. I love the part where she tells me that I should be normal now, since I'm an adult. My mind imagined a scenario in which I had a physical, visible handicap (like a missing arm) instead of PTSD. Made me wonder whether she would've told me to "grow it back because it's about time". xD

but that you're getting the signal from one or more family members that the "jig" is up

I think you're right. Funny thing is, they've never really been confronted with my PTSD before, not personally. But these are the kind of people that take this behavior very personally. Their boundaries are kind of easily over-stepped so now, he feels incredibly hurt and personally attacked by what I did. I know management is key, that's why I tried to talk with him, in the moment, but he just kind of shut down because he doesn't normally have to deal with this kind of situation.