The Usual Spin Out When Sick

[Muttly]

We had a cold that turned into bronchitis. Went to the doctor because we were having a hard time breathing. We have mild asthma that really only shows up when we our sick so with the bronchitis guess that messed us up. Missed most of a week of work. For a change, we weren't freaking out or doubting our sickness too much.

Got over being bad sick but never really got better and maybe each day now been getting sicker. Except this time we are doing the usual spin out. Think we are faking. Switching so much really don't know what's going on with the body. Also a lot of us believe that if we still sick it proves we defective or bad. believe others will judge us or be fed up. Been dragging the stupid body to work every day this week because we already missed so much and feels like we've used up our "quota".

Also, we don't really have any sick leave left. We miss more work than we should because we nuts. then last winter our back problems got really bad so we lost much of the strength in our left leg and guess the body was in a lot of pain. Missed work because couldn't walk or drive. missed work because of surgery. Missed our summer vacation with our closest friends because of no time. we go camping with them. They our family. No contact with our crazy, abusive family of origin. Soon it will be thanksgiving and we spend it with them but if we miss work again and use up vacation will miss that too. that starts the suicidal thoughts. And someone inside says we are faking anyway. At the same time, have no clue how we will drag ourself through another day of work tomorrow... and around and around and around it goes.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Muttly))):hug:

 

[Muttly]

I don't understand why we are spinning out so hard about this. When we first got really sick, it was unusual how well we dealt with it emotionally but nice. But now we've completely swung the other way. We canceled T today and that feels bad, disappointing and wrong. Common sense says that I should probably go to the doctor but the part of my brain that says we are a fake is so loud.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Muttly the only time I'll be at the Dr is to sign my death certificate.

Why do that though, it will be easier to work etc well, & hopefully they will help you.

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I used to get sick A LOT. I'd say, on average, once every few weeks. I can look at someone sick and get sick. My immunity is already low being a premie and not getting proper nutrion and care as a child. But I started to huff duster which distoryed my lungs and caused each cold to very quickly become pneumonia. First time I had pnuemonia they had this infectious disease Dr running all sorts of tests on me. Likely trying to find out why i had a sore throat on Sat and woke up Sun with full blown double pnuemonia. All he found was the rhino virus (the common cold) and was very confused. Very. Obviously none of the Drs knew I was abusing inhalants. But sickness I know well.

I stopped huffing. Its been over 2 yrs now. I stopped smoking. Almost 2 years now of that. My lungs healed themselves quite a bit as I wasn't quite 35 yet. The age that the pulmonologist said damage starts to become perm.

And i stopped getting sick. For months and months and months I stopped gettung sick. Got the flu and pneumonia shot. Stopped getting sick. And when my mental state is at an all time unstability, an all time crisis...kaboom, I get sick. Badly.

I drug myself to work yesterday as the company is doing a very large layoff and this could mean a write up which could mean a layoff but i was only getting worse. That is my cycle. Work until i am in the ER then its FMLA. That was the plan anyway. But it knocked me on my ass and I couldn't push through. And from Wed to Thurs got way worse because I pushed myself to work. I called my sup today and got it "ok'd" to be out of work without a write up. Today feeling a bit better.

I think sickness hits hard and fast when our mental state is in crisis. You need to rest and get better. The job means nothing if you are dead or in a hospital bed. Get the approval you need to be out of work for a bit to get better.

There is also FMLA if you need it. It is there for a reason.

I also never went to a Dr. I didn't as a child, why would I need to today. Until I got pneumonia back to back. I started to break down and go...and go sooner.

I have missed less work by going to a Dr then I did when I toughed it out. Sickness will knock you down if you let it. It will take you out of the game whether or not you want it to or not. It is best to call out of work and go to a Dr then to drag on sick untreated and force yourself to work.

Take care of yourself! :hug:

 

[Muttly]

@lostforgottensoul Great job on quitting the inhalants and smoking. I'm sorry you are dealing with being sick again. It really sucks. I know the cycle of pushing yourself through until it's critical too. I did that with my back and probably have some permanent nerve damage as a result. Although it's not as bad as it could have been.

I figured some things out this morning. And I am going to do something I rarely do, but here's me naming an emotion. "Sad". I am sad for the child I was. I ended up going to the clinic last night. I knew if I didn't I was going to end up in the ER. I was having an asthma attack I couldn't get control of. I got a breathing treatment and put on new medications and the doctor explained more about the asthma which no one really had before.

When I was young I got sick. I had a wicked cough and I got better from being sick, but a cough remained. It had changed. It was a dry cough. After a while I was told by my family I must be doing the cough to get attention. My mom had this big sit down talk with me. She was all serious and wanted to know what was really wrong and why I felt I needed attention. I insisted that wasn't why I was coughing but she cross examined me and when I had no other signs of sickness I was labeled a fake. I got made fun of by the brother when I coughed. The dad ... can't remember specifically what the dad did except we know he labeled sick people as weak and asthmatics as neurotic and weak.

I hated my mom's smoke and told her that but that was just me attacking her. If she didn't blow directly in my face (which she certainly did enough) there was no reason for me to be complaining and I was just picking on her. If I coughed because of her smoke, I was being dramatic and picking on her. And when she was mad she would smoke in our face on purpose. She knew how much we hated it. She also burned us with it once which she claimed was an accident but wasn't. We were sitting in the chair next to her and she "accidentally" reached out and touched us with the burning end of the cigarette. When she asked if it burned us we said "no". She had that look on her face she got when she was being especially cruel and we didn't want to give her the pleasure of knowing she'd got us.

We learned to hide the cough most of the time. It was easier. And then since we managed (DID is an amazing thing) we decided we really were a fake. We had to be. It was the only thing that made sense. Even when we got diagnosed with asthma years ago, we thought we were a fake. It wasn't until now that we learned there's a type of asthma where coughing is the main thing, not wheezing.We didn't wheeze all that much. We could function. We weren't "weak". I guess that's the thing. When we have stuff like what's currently going on, we feel trapped between weak or fake. I suppose that's part of why we split, so we could hide the "weak" and "fake" parts away and be the child who could function and be more acceptable to the parents.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am going to do something I rarely do, but here's me naming an emotion. "Sad". I am sad for the child I was.

That's a VERY good place. A very good start!

I don't have DID but I do have this "inner child" that I can clearly feel. This "inner child" varies in age but can clearly feel "her", mostly especially when "she" is screaming and crying. My therapist says its haulted emotions but whatever "she" is, "she" represents the child I was. And I HATE "her". I can't seem to even like "her". I have major amounts of anger and rage toward "her", thus having hatred and major amounts of anger and rage toward myself.

So feeling sad for that child that you once were is an amzing step!

We were sitting in the chair next to her and she "accidentally" reached out and touched us with the burning end of the cigarette.

I'm so sorry that happened! You didn't deserve that! :hug:

My step dad and mom didn't smoke but used buring "tools" to burn me. A lighter, a long candle lighter, a wood buring thing, just many things.

When I smoked I used to burn myself with my cig to punish. It's the only thing I miss about smoking as I could do that anywhere.

 

[Muttly]

@lostforgottensoul I used to hate that child. I don't think any of us do anymore. There are still a couple parts of us that are hated but I guess we are working on that with therapy. It's so much easier to hate those parts inside ourself. I'm not completely sure why, but it is. It also gives us this sense we had some power over what happened. It must be that child's fault. But really it was your parents fault, @lostforgottensoul not you

I am sorry you used to get burned as a child. No child should go through that. I have a wood stove that is my main source of heat so it has been easy for me to burn myself. Having said that, it's been maybe 6 months since I did any self harm. Huh. that's pretty good.

I'm just exhausted today. I slept 12 hours and I woke up exhausted. I go to work tomorrow. I haven't done most of the weekend chores I need to do. I feel a bit like I'm breaking. I've pushed myself through so much. I've pushed myself through harder things, but I feel like I'm out of push right now. I don't know how the f*ck I'm going to get my chores done and then go to work.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've pushed myself through harder things, but I feel like I'm out of push right now.

I know that feeling. Like pushing through harder stuff broke you some how and you can't seem to push through though you know you've pushed through harder and can't see why you can't push now, and frustrared that you cant, as you've pushed through more before.

Whew, thats a riddle. Hope that made sense.

 

[Muttly]

I know that feeling. Like pushing through harder stuff broke you some how and you can't seem to push through though you know you've pushed through harder and can't see why you can't push now, and frustrared that you cant, as you've pushed through more before.

Whew, thats a riddle. Hope that made sense.

That made complete sense to me. Thank you for understanding