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caliaviator
Silver Member
Day 3: The final day.
I was outside reading a book and enjoying the mountain view, and when the entire family was out there to greet my grandfather I wasn't there. This infuriated my grandfather and he said to my mom: "He's just like your husband". My blood boiled but I was able to keep it under control by texting my cousin what was going on. My uncle and aunt were explaining profusely that I was just reading a book. Well, in reality they were half right. I reached the conclusion that my grandfather thrives on control, and he gets angry when he doesn't get it. He controlled my parents, his wife, and so many other people in the course of his life. I wanted to make it perfectly clear that he did not control me. I just sat outside, drank a beer, and enjoyed the setting sun in my face. After I went to the bathroom, I thought it would be a smart move to say hi to my grandpa just to be diplomatic. He said hello back and I went back to doing my own thing.
During dinner he didn't say one word to me. I was pleased. Judging from how things started out, it seemed pretty pissed. I was psyching myself up for a fight that wouldn't come. I learned from my three days with him that If you don't talk to him, he won't talk to you. If you do talk to him and expose yourself to him he'll exploit it. But if you do both it makes it so you aren't bothered by him and you are in control. My grandfather is still here, and after this I won't talk to him unless it is completely necessary. He now knows that I'm different than who I was, and I intend on cultivating that image. Now I'm in control, and a piece of my childhood can be put to rest. I come and go whenever I please, I do what I want, say what I want, and he can either accept it or not; which both makes no difference to me.
I wanna thank you all for helping me out through this with your words of encouragement :) They got me through this, and whenever I needed to stay in the moment and endure I thought back to this thread. I can't predict when my anger comes along; it always comes without warning and full force, but thanks to the support here combined with the coping methods learned in therapy the situation was handled :)
-Miss
I absolutely love writing, though I wouldn't say that it's nothing compared to my degree. I have great admiration for writers, as they inspire us whenever we need it the most. I love a good book, and without writers we would be losing a big part of our identity both individually and collectively. I absolutely hate hot weather, I was born in a place where it can get up to 130 degrees fahrenheit, and the landscape associated with cold weather is more beautiful in my opinion.
-June
Thanks June :) I can't control everything out there but you're right when you say I can only be responsible for myself. I think the worst thing is when we lose control over ourselves. If you were to talk to me late last year I'd be letting my rage out without a care in this same situation. That talk my uncle gave me did help a great deal. I went from wanting to jump across the table and wail on him to controlling the situation. It was very hard to do, but it's one of those things that come easier with practice.
-Maze
You have no idea how many times I wanted to mention to him all the wrongs he did to me and my family, I REALLY wanted to bring those out. I wanted to tell him everything I've felt, everything I wanted to say for nearly two decades, and tell him it should of been him in that coffin instead of my grandma. Oftentimes I would think about the things that I would do if a certain scenario happens, but to be honest, we can't. Because we seldom don't know what we will do or able to do whenever the situation comes. We rarely know our limits and what we are capable of until we face that situation. Most of us here were exposed to stress to where it would kill a normal human being. Many people would of just gave up, yet here we are :). PTSD might of decreased our capacity for holding stress, but nobody ever said we had to hold it all by ourselves either. Each person around us has a cup, so we distribute the stress so everyone takes what they can handle. That's pretty much what happened here. My cup overflowed so my uncle took some, my aunt, and so on. Plus the support here really helped :)
I was outside reading a book and enjoying the mountain view, and when the entire family was out there to greet my grandfather I wasn't there. This infuriated my grandfather and he said to my mom: "He's just like your husband". My blood boiled but I was able to keep it under control by texting my cousin what was going on. My uncle and aunt were explaining profusely that I was just reading a book. Well, in reality they were half right. I reached the conclusion that my grandfather thrives on control, and he gets angry when he doesn't get it. He controlled my parents, his wife, and so many other people in the course of his life. I wanted to make it perfectly clear that he did not control me. I just sat outside, drank a beer, and enjoyed the setting sun in my face. After I went to the bathroom, I thought it would be a smart move to say hi to my grandpa just to be diplomatic. He said hello back and I went back to doing my own thing.
During dinner he didn't say one word to me. I was pleased. Judging from how things started out, it seemed pretty pissed. I was psyching myself up for a fight that wouldn't come. I learned from my three days with him that If you don't talk to him, he won't talk to you. If you do talk to him and expose yourself to him he'll exploit it. But if you do both it makes it so you aren't bothered by him and you are in control. My grandfather is still here, and after this I won't talk to him unless it is completely necessary. He now knows that I'm different than who I was, and I intend on cultivating that image. Now I'm in control, and a piece of my childhood can be put to rest. I come and go whenever I please, I do what I want, say what I want, and he can either accept it or not; which both makes no difference to me.
I wanna thank you all for helping me out through this with your words of encouragement :) They got me through this, and whenever I needed to stay in the moment and endure I thought back to this thread. I can't predict when my anger comes along; it always comes without warning and full force, but thanks to the support here combined with the coping methods learned in therapy the situation was handled :)
-Miss
I absolutely love writing, though I wouldn't say that it's nothing compared to my degree. I have great admiration for writers, as they inspire us whenever we need it the most. I love a good book, and without writers we would be losing a big part of our identity both individually and collectively. I absolutely hate hot weather, I was born in a place where it can get up to 130 degrees fahrenheit, and the landscape associated with cold weather is more beautiful in my opinion.
-June
Thanks June :) I can't control everything out there but you're right when you say I can only be responsible for myself. I think the worst thing is when we lose control over ourselves. If you were to talk to me late last year I'd be letting my rage out without a care in this same situation. That talk my uncle gave me did help a great deal. I went from wanting to jump across the table and wail on him to controlling the situation. It was very hard to do, but it's one of those things that come easier with practice.
-Maze
You have no idea how many times I wanted to mention to him all the wrongs he did to me and my family, I REALLY wanted to bring those out. I wanted to tell him everything I've felt, everything I wanted to say for nearly two decades, and tell him it should of been him in that coffin instead of my grandma. Oftentimes I would think about the things that I would do if a certain scenario happens, but to be honest, we can't. Because we seldom don't know what we will do or able to do whenever the situation comes. We rarely know our limits and what we are capable of until we face that situation. Most of us here were exposed to stress to where it would kill a normal human being. Many people would of just gave up, yet here we are :). PTSD might of decreased our capacity for holding stress, but nobody ever said we had to hold it all by ourselves either. Each person around us has a cup, so we distribute the stress so everyone takes what they can handle. That's pretty much what happened here. My cup overflowed so my uncle took some, my aunt, and so on. Plus the support here really helped :)
