Therapist/ Parent Figure

[a3a2]

This is embarrassing for me to admit, but I feel as though my T. has turned into a parent figure for me. Having had very little parenting as a child, I suspect that this is normal...but it just seems wrong. I have made a lot of progress working with her, but I am almost tempted to switch, simply because of this. I am an adult. I don't want to need a parent. Then again, I don't really want to nee a T. either.

Any thoughts?

 

[SimplyComplex]

I think its kind of normal. My T is teaching me the stuff my mom was supposed to but didn't. I even commented on it once and she totally agreed and seemed pleased I saw the connection (cause then I go home and teach my kids the things she teaches me). I feel pressed to keep a bit of distance though. I could get a huge mommy-transference thing if I don't stay on guard. She isnt that much older then I am and a mom to young kids, that helps I think. Still, especially when I am feeling younger, it has that dynamic.

 

[Srain]

Transference is very normal so I would think now might be a good time to discuss this with your tdoc and work through it rather walk away from it. This just might give you an opportunity to work through some issues with relationships you have not been able to in the past.

I can certainly understand your feeling embarrassed but you are in a prime spot of trust and getting over this hurdle might be just the thing to past some very important issues.

Just a thought,
Rain

 

[Heather]

I go through this with my therapist too. I agree with Rain it's normal. It's uncomfortable but normal. I've brought up the transference stuff with him usually as I hide my head in my hands:eek::D but I get through it and then say I don't want to talk about it anymore. He let's me off the hook and we change the subject 'cause he knows it's hard for me.

I think if you can bring it up, it'd be good for you.

 

[anthony]

Very normal actually... and I would even raise it with them, because its part of therapy training to understand such dependencies built.

 

[yomama]

Totally common experience and great you are aware of it. I can see both sides, as a survivor of violence as well as being a therapist for traumatized kids and their families. The survivor part of me really likes what SimplyComplex said - we can learn from our T's things that our parents/guardians didn't teach. The therapist part of me really likes what Anthony said - it is so refreshing when you can address these dynamics directly. Any therapist worth their credentials will welcome that discussion.

 

[redheaded moppet]

Thanks for the comments here - I went through this with my T feeling like the emotional, caring "daddy figure" I never had with my own father, and me feeling like a little girl. Yes, it was embarrassing but he understood, we discussed it and worked through it for the most part though I still sometimes feel slightly like a little kid. I really appreciated the fact he didn't make me feel stupid or weird when it really emerged, but told me once a few months ago that he'd be "as proud as hell" to have me as his "real daughter" considering how hard I work and how far I've come.

 

[Nighthawk]

I have a hard time with this seeing as my T is younger than me Male and I feel like he resembels my mother at times.
I still have not spoken to him about the transferance but will plan on it the next time it comes around.

 

[jasmin]

Oh man! I totally get this with my T.. but I haven't bought it up though I know it is normal.. I don't know whether I have it in me to tell her. She's about the same age as my mother too.

 

[anthony]

All therapists know it, being part of training, but 99% don't abuse it, and some will even raise it if they get the sense it is occurring, most won't... and will leave it for the client to raise, otherwise they could create a problem in the very environment problems aren't meant to be created. Those that are though, through non-verbal aspects... you should definitely raise, as it will reduce additional stress from you.

 

[kayak]

Oh yeah, me too! If my therapist would offer to adopt me I'd happily sign up. It's extrememly uncomfortable and sometimes quite embarrassing, but...it is what it is. I talked to my T about it, tentatively, because I wanted her to discourage it. But then she actually encouraged it to develop, and admitted as much, because she said it tells her something about what I need. I don't understand, but she seems to, so for now I'm trusting that it's OK. I hope you can talk about it with your T.

 

[seedling]

I went through seeing my T as resembling my mother (in a bad, distant way) and he is a guy. Brought up all my shame about having needs, thinking he cared etc.. We talked about it when I mentioned that I felt he was impatient with me and distant - then the light clicked on and I saw that was what my mom was all about.

I have just started another treatment and have had the "short course" of all the same feelings - surprise, surprise! I've been in therapy long enough to realize it was all the same things as the first time around. Sometimes I feel I do well during the session and then have the feelings afterward, like I can't go back the next week and keep it straight.

You could end up changing therapists and having the same or a similar reaction. I think it's difficult to avoid when you have basic issues that are going to come up.