Therapist Question

[Jennifer76]

I have a question about a session I had with my therapist yesterday. It started out as a good normal session. And then when I brought up my transference issues she made the comment that she would not want to be my mother.

I have borderline personality disorder and she told me I can always bring my concerns in her office about being borderline. Well her saying that she would not want to be my mother and me having a migraine. When we went to schedule the next appt she we could not find a time and when we did I said that was "fine".

Well she took that as me being disrespectful to her. And she would not give me my usual hug (until I said I am sorry). Well I started crying and said I'm sorry and she gave me a slight hug. Now we are scheduling another appt this week and she emailed back to confirm the appt but she will not answer my question of is she still mad or upset with me. And do we still have a relationship.

I am confused because she told me in the past she would answer these questions and therapy is where I could bring those borderline personality type questions. Now I getting even more upset and anxious that she wont answer me.

I feel like she is being a crappy therapist by leaving me hanging when she knows I am so upset. What do you think? What should I do next? I really don't want to go until Friday feeling this anxious about if she is upset with me.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

She shouldn't have made the comment about not wanting to be your mother. She shouldn't judge you. Try talking it out with her at the next session. You may discover something new about yourself. You may also decide to sever the relationship.

I had to do this with a therapist and it worked out. I kept her. The others that showed ANY judgement were dropped immediately.

 

[Jennifer76]

She said she did not want to be my mother because then we could not have the relationship that we do have and that she would not be able to help me. I have emailed her twice today and once last night to say I am sorry for saying fine the way that I did. And that I should not have taken my frustration and physical pain (from the migraine out on her). I apologized and that is what she wanted.

She does not want to do therapy over email and I am ok with that. But I have asked her in two emails today to please let me know if she is upset with me and if we still have a relationship. And she emailed back and said "Jennifer, I have you scheduled at 3:00 on Friday and I look forward to seeing you then." She will not let me know if she is upset with me and if we still have a relationship.

She knows I am borderline and that these questions will eat at me until Friday. I have told her how upset and anxious I am that I have been physically sick over this. And she still won't respond. If she doesn't respond I feel abandoned and don't want to share things with her anymore.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am confused about why you are upset with her comment about her not being your mother. She is not your mother and my thought was that she was laying down a boundary with you as people with borderline tend to gravitate to people of authority.

 

[Jennifer76]

No I actually felt super hurt and confused by her saying she did not want to be my mom. I felt she could have handled it in a more empathetic way

 

[radicalgratitude]

It sounds like she's struggling with countertransference. So while it would be ideal for your therapist to be more empathetic with you, she was relating to you in a very human way.

A negative encounter/ feelings of upset do not destroy relationships. In fact, if dealt with in the right way, they can actually strengthen relationships.

This is probably a perfect time for you to practice moving away from black and white thinking....because there is so much gray area in life. Like your therapist might not want to be your mother, but she still does care for you. It's not: "Either she wants to be my mother or she hates me and never wants to see me again." It's also not: "Either she is perfectly happy with me and my behavior or she doesn't like me anymore." She can still care about you and support you even if sometimes she doesn't say or do the most ideal things (notice: I used the word "ideal," as "right or wrong" can be black or white thinking again.) Finally, she can still be a good therapist, and slip up from time to time.

If she continues this behavior after you have made an attempt to work through this with her then I definitely would move on. But at least from my perspective, I think this could be a good opportunity for personal growth.

 

[Kintsugi]

I am kind of baffled by this whole thing. If my post at all offends you, please understand that I am looking at this from my point of view with only the information you have given, not making a judgement call or whatever.

A) did you two explore the mother thing further than her comment? I can very much understand her statements about it. If she were your mother, there is no way she could be your T. The two roles are not symbiotic. It wouldn't be a healthy dual role for either person. BUT with transference issues, it is my understanding that the goal is to work through the patient's thinking behind the issue of transference. Eg, Why would you want me to be your mother? Do I do and say things you would like from a mother figure? How do I represent that figure for you, and what are healthy ways to find that support from other people in your life?

B) From my experience, the idea that a T would challenge you for "lip" or "attitude" or something at the *very end of your session* when your relationship is already in turmoil seems really inappropriate? I was a child, but I was still incredibly and overtly hostile toward my T for about a year before I stopped seeing her as the enemy. She had a lot of experience with trauma and children and sexual abuse, so maybe it was that, but she never challenged my behavior directly. She just went about trying to make the relationship work for both of us. Our agreement was that if I talked while I was there, she wouldn't tell my parents I wasn't cooperating. So I talked, even if minimally and even if I was sneering more than speaking. Eventually we bonded and became allies. But I would have totally flipped out if she did this to me--demanding an apology for tone of voice? I could see a response like, "I sense that you are feeling negatively, and I feel that your tone was disrespectful to me. Let's prioritize those feelings when we meet on Friday. Does that sound good to you?" Which brings me to...

C) Do people often hug their therapists? I might have hugged mine before I left for college after a relationship of many years, but I don't remember. I definitely don't remember touching any of the Ts I saw at the school. Maybe this is just me? Hugging and other touching seems like it's putting the patient at risk for this sort of thing? Transference and withholding? Again, could definitely just be me, but I think if a T offered to hug me I would check them off the list of potential Ts. Kinda weird to me. That's very intimate for something that is at it's heart a professional relationship. As a tutor, I would probably not hug a client even if they were a good friend of mine under average circumstances. I really didn't know this was done.

Hang in there, Jennifer. Her response to your emails was probably a boundary thing. Maybe if this stuff eats you up over a week or so, she wants you to try to cope with that in a healthy way? Hope Friday goes well for you and that you are able to come to a mutual understanding about this issue.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Do people often hug their therapists?

I don't hug my therapist either. Or touch him in any way really. I once met him the grocery store and my husband was there. I was feeling depressed, therapist knew this. Husband did most of the talking, thankfully. My therapist did reach out and very lightly touch my hand by putting his fingers next to mine. It wasn't to shake my hand. I think it was more of 'I understand' and offering comfort. It lasted for a second.

That's very intimate for something that is at it's heart a professional relationship.

Totally agree! Hugs are for family members or good friends. And my therapist is not my friend.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I know some may disagree with me and that is alright. I think whether to hug or not is a culture thing. In some cultures its appropriate to give someone a hug upon first being introduced to someone. In others, a kiss on the cheek is appropriate when greeting. I have hugged therapists before. Sometimes I initiated it, other times a therapist has asked me if I would like a hug, but left the decision totally up to me. However, I can see that in some cultures and for some individuals this would be totally inappropriate.

 

[DharmaGirl]

The only time I touched my therapist was when my service dog, a mastiff, slobbered all over him. I was wiping him off with a towel when I realized I was touching him all over his upper body. I was freaked. He was very calm. Silly me.

 

[Jennifer76]

I have been seeing her almost six years now. And during the fourth year I got really physically sick and since then we have been hugging at the end of the session.

I respect what you say about me dealing with those feelings on my own. But I am confused by the fact that she told me to ask if she is mad at me and she told me to bring those borderline questions about abandonment to her. And then she doesn't respond. I don't think that's right.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

She is setting up boundaries and you hate it. It is unacceptable for you to try to manipulate her with the "she knows I'm borderline so she should break her no email therapy rule". OF COURSE you hate it! She is effectively making you deal with these feelings on your own. Kudos to her for not coddling you.