Therapist Question

[Jennifer76]

There is no therapy email rule. She typically responds to email between sessions. This is the first time she has not responded.

She just emailed me and said "Jenniferk what do you think it means that we have an appointment scheduled for this Friday at 3:00?"

 

[radicalgratitude]

She just emailed me and said "Jenniferk what do you think it means that we have an appointment scheduled for this Friday at 3:00?"

Wow.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Jennifer, she is setting up boundaries and you keep crossing them. I don't really know what you expect her to do or say at this point.

 

[Jennifer76]

I thought that it was nice of her to email me back in order to reassure me that she is not mad at me and that we still have a relationship

What do you mean by "wow?"

I have crossed no boundary. She is responding to the email I sent her this morning asking if she was mad at me and if we still had a relationship.

 

[radicalgratitude]

What do you mean by wow

It looked like she added jerk to your name ... Jenniferk, but based on what you wrote after that, maybe my perception wasn't accurate. (I work with kids all day.)

 

[Jennifer76]

Me too. I am a school psychologist. What do you do? No she did not use jerk after my name. :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

We cannot learn what healthy boundaries are if we aren't made aware of when we are crossing them. Now, you have a chance to see when your behavior negatively affects others so you can make an informed choice about whether or not it gives you the desired effect.

Outside of therapy, rudeness puts people off. Rather than telling us, most just decide to avoid us in the future. We can't learn appropriate social skills unless we see them in action.

Also, your therapist was also showing you how to respond assertively to a boundary violation when it happens to you. This is a tool you can use to keep unhealthy people away from you in the future.

Healthy people don't take their feelings of hostility out on other human beings. If they do, they apologize and move on. So, when someone does treat you with hostility, you'll know if they are a healthy adult if they take responsibility for it and don't do it again, and they refrain from turning it around on you.

It's ok to feel hostility, but it's not ok to act out our hostility. Feelings don't make us lose relationships, only actions and words.

You can survive these feelings of anxiety about your therapist's perceived possible abandonment. She has made it clear she will not abandon you by that appointment. She's not obligated to reveal her feelings about being treated the way you treated her. She's entitled to her private thoughts and feelings, just as you are.

Demanding the answer you want while refusing to just accept the response that she gave you isn't going to help you feel better. It's understandable, and you had to do that to stay safe around unsafe people. She knows that.

She gave you a response. It's ok to not like it, but it's not ok to try to force or manipulate someone into responding differently. Respecting her rights to autonomy is a healthier way to get along with people.

People can be annoyed or irritated without abandoning us. They get over it, provided we don't make a habit of it. Chances are, she already is over it. But, if you continue demanding she spend yet more of her time trying to help you feel better about it, she may just become irritated all over again. This dynamic, left unchecked, could cost you relationships down the line.

What distraction skills are you employing so you aren't upping your anxiety more about this? Take good self-care. Trust that she intends to work it out and it'll be fine.

It will. So will you. Hang in there. Having been there, I know it feels like a huge oppressive wave of drama in our heads. But she likely isn't thinking anything more about it, because to her, it was just a tiny expression of a symptom of a disorder showing itself, nothing big. But a small teachable moment, if you choose to learn what you can from it.

Also, maybe she doesn't want to be your mother because she doesn't like your Mother, or perhaps because being you mother would mean she couldn't be herself. Try not to assume the worst. ask her.

 

[radicalgratitude]

@Jennifer76 I am teacher.

 

[Jennifer76]

Maybe this isn't the right place for me to get help for borderline questions. I am sorry for bothering you and I hope you can help others in the future.

I had a moment of panic wondering whether she was mad at me or not. We have discussed the mother issue many times before and she has covered me up with a blanket on the couch in her office when I was sick. We have been emailing back and forth since I started therapy six years ago.

 

[Kintsugi]

@radicalgratitude , @Jennifer76
I really do think that having a meeting set up and then confirming that meeting via email is proof that there is a continuing relationship. If my doctor, father of my childhood friends and a family friend, told me to stop smoking and I got pissy at him, and he seemed upset at that behavior and then scheduled me to come in for tests, I guarantee you he would not have for me wanting to know if we were still doctor/patient.

Look at it from her perspective. She has a patient who has attachment issues asking her if the relationship is continuing when she made it clear you two would meet in just two days. She probably has a busy schedule, other patients to meet, maybe a family, and all the everyday stresses life puts upon people and, especially, high functioning professionals.

Again, from a *much* more relaxed profession: in the tutoring center, we had very emotional writers who used the center too much or would corner tutors when they weren't working, tried to develop non-professional relationships with us based on our relationships as tutors, and took advantage of our agreement to represent the tutoring center when in public at the school, which meant making an effort to represent ourselves as keepers of a "safer space" on campus. We had to start developing policies that protected tutors from this behavior because it was impossible to serve all these writers in this fashion and created unfair demands on both our work schedules and personal lives.

I just mean to say... Although I don't necessarily agree with how she handled your "tone" personally, the boundaries she is setting and the professional communication she is holding you to as a patient are all good things, for your health, for hers, for your continuing relationship (what would you do if she couldn't take the emailing behavior anymore because she let it go on and maybe even get more intense, and then said she couldn't see you?), and for *your* future or current professional relationships with others?

Am I right that some of the major downfalls of borderline is interpreting behaviors as exaggerated, forming attachments that are inappropriately intense, and taking forms of rejection as foundation-rocking? Maybe she is worried about these manifesting in your relationship?

 

[Kintsugi]

Maybe this isn't the right place for me to get help for borderline questions. I am sorry for bothering you and I hope you can help others in the future.

I don't think you're bothering anyone. I interpret the slew of responses as an impassioned attempt to help you process your difficult feelings and complex situation. Otherwise, people would probably look at your post and not reply. There are lots of other posts to look at and respond to. The people posting here chose to attempt to help you understand their take on your situation, giving you the outsider views we see individually, which is what this resource is mostly focused on. And I think there are a good many here who have PTSD and comorbid BPD.

I hope that you don't feel that because we're not all saying what you might want to hear, we aren't still attempting to help you. That's a very healthy risk we all run by being here. We look for support, and support comes in different ways.

Take care of yourself and be well.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Jennifer,

You are a psychologist yourself so probably have a professional opinion on this stuff. I have to say I still get confused about how rigid boundaries should or shouldnt be if these issues are a problem. So many people seem to say very rigid and that looser boundaries actually make it more painful as more of the borderline stuff tends to come up and yet other things I have read have said there needs to be more reassuarance and loose enough boundaries to make therapy doable. I have wondered if it is maybe a bit of both.

I just wanted to point this out. You said this first:

she would not want to be my mother

Then you clarified and said this:

because then we could not have the relationship that we do have and that she would not be able to help me.

The meaning behind the two is a bit like night and day. The fist indicates insensitivity and rejection. The second compassion, a gentle correction and reminder of the relationship and its importance and reminder that you have a relationship. So many things can be in the context, tone and other stuff.

But I am confused by the fact that she told me to ask if she is mad at me and she told me to bring those borderline questions about abandonment to her. And then she doesn't respond

I think there are lots of possible reasons behind this. If she can see this is going to go on or that you are the frame of mind where you will take offence at whatever she says then she may rather want to deal with it face to face.

she took that as me being disrespectful to her.

Are you sure there wasn't more to this when you take the context into consideration? Personally I think that telling someone that they have been disrespectful when you have a five year relationship with them is normal way to respond. T is an important place for us to learn how to mange interactions with other people and I don't see any benefit it her letting it go totally.

she would not give me my usual hug (until I said I am sorry)

But this really concerned me. Did she actually say that to you or is that the conclusion you came to? Could it be that she was still discussing the issue with you? Hugging would normally come afterwards if this is a way of saying goodbye for you two.

Can you tell us the exact words and how it happened?

If you put your professional hat on then do you really think the hugging is good for you or do you think she is maybe getting caught up in rescue mode? Hugging at times is very different than it being a routine event and for a lot of people hugging would be no go entirely.