Therapist Question

[Deleted member 1860]

There is no therapy email rule. She typically responds to email between sessions. This is the first time she has not responded.

Ok well it may not be a "rule" but she doesn't want to do therapy over email. (Per your words ). That's still a boundary and you're still pushing it. She's right to push back.

 

[cavy]

Hi Jennifer, how are you doing?:)

Some therapists can be more forceful in their approach than others. Therapy takes time, it should go at the pace you are comfortable with. I made the mistake at first of jumping in at the deep end and this resulted in such heightened emotions & confusion that my younger parts took over regularly and I hardly made any progress at all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I was in fact pushing so much for answers that my mind became overloaded and I couldn't think straight let alone work anything out in order to gain insight into how I tick.

After a change in therapist who is far gentler but firm if necessary I am actually making progress - yay. :D

Take your time, gaining trust in people is difficult, then when you have, it can just take one tiny thing with someone who is borderline (I really hate that label :mad:) to suddenly feel abandoned, let down, angry, upset. The reason we are like this is because of the trauma we have experienced has caused us to be wired to go into "I am not going to let that person hurt me anymore" mode. Some will react by trying desperately to have reassurance from the person that has hurt them - I am not talking about past trauma - to the other extreme of taking no chances that they are going to let themselves be hurt again, having as little to do with the person as possible. I have been guilty of both but tend to isolate more than the other.:oops:

PTSD and borderline are often interwoven with each other, they are both caused by trauma & the trauma has caused them (people) to react in the way that they do. PTSD flashbacks, hypervigilance etc. and borderline mood swings, feeling insecure etc. The other name for borderline personality disorder is emotionally unstable personality disorder which I am sure you already know. The second name fits better especially when someone is given the diagnosis because it describes a tiny bit better how they tick. I wish however that they would give it a better name that shows more respect for people who have it as well as using the word trauma in it because that is what has been scientifically shown to cause personality disorders in the first place. Sorry if I am going off topic here.:oops:

We on this site who have PTSD and PD are "experts by experience", that is what we all must remember. There are many different kinds of therapy out there, some have been proven to work better than others. Also all of us are unique, so what may work for one person may not work for another. Take from any advice what is helpful to you and ignore what is not, but don't make a hasty decision without considering all the facts first. You will get there, it takes time, it is hard work also painful at times but "no pain no gain".:)

MissAntiSunshine I am sending you a hug,:hug: I think you deserve one. I won't say anymore on the subject because it is now in the past, you are a very caring and compassionate person & that is a valuable quality to have.;)

 

[BloomInWinter]

The sooner we finally "get" that our therapy sessions are not about the therapist's feelings and thoughts, the sooner we can make real progress in therapy.

It truly doesn't matter how our therapist felt at the last appointment. They are responsible for managing their thoughts and feelings, and we have no entitlement to monopolize their time between our appointments trying to manipulate them into a relationship outside the therapy room. Sure, we can choose to keep worrying and ruminating over and over all about them. I've done it plenty. But they aren't coming to us for our expertise and help.

We are going to them for their expertise and help. We are not going to therapy for love, or friendship, or parenting, or special treatment. While it's nice when we do feel they care about us as human beings and not just as patients, it's not a magic ingredient that will made everything better.

All the time we spend obsessing on them is normal in the process of getting better. But at some point we must move on from that phase and direct our energies to practicing our skills, doing things we enjoy, taking up past-times which give us relaxation and some peace in our minds, even if only for a little while.

All rumination ultimately is the tired rut in our mind being dug deeper, and deeper, until it is hard to see that our lives are supposed to be experienced in this moment. Not replaying a moment from last week over, and over, and over, thereby destroying any positive experiences we might have today...and ensuring we have nothing happier to think about tomorrow.

Time between appointments is best used living our lives, not worrying about things which distract us from putting healthy skills to practice.

My best suggestion is to ask yourself what is it about this situation which feels familiar? Who in our past life did/said something similar? How did we feel about that back then? What, if anything, could have made that situation different?

Therapy is a class on ourselves. Most people lack the courage to face themselves. You're doing that. Spend time patting yourself on the back for being courageous.

 

[radicalgratitude]

@BloomInWinter, when does your self-help book come out? ;)

 

[Abstract]

Maybe this isn't the right place for me to get help for borderline questions. I am sorry for bothering you and I hope you can help others in the future.

Jennifer,
I am assuming this is what you said in your email to her. ?

I just want to point out a pattern here for you. I am not at all judging it as I realise this is very painful and you are just trying to get what feels like your needs met. If this is what you said to her then it is pretty manipulative. I don't mean in a conscious sense and it could be totally unconscious.

What you seem to be saying to her is essentially, "you have not helped me and are not dealing with my borderline issues, maybe some of your other clients will be more lucky" but all said indirectly and wrapped up as if you are apologising.

What you really wanted to say from what you have shared here is, "you promised to help me and you are have not and I am hurt and angry".

It seems that what she is doing in all the examples you have given is put the brakes on when it gets to this point.

I do think the therapy relationship is a very important part of healing and especially when it comes to serious attachment issues so do think this is part of what T needs to be about for you. That doesn't mean that boundaries are not part of that healing and safety though.

I have to say that the part I don't feel comfortable with is the hugging stuff. Both that it is routine and the situation you describe is something I feel uncertain about. Part of that is that I sincerely hope her making you apologise first was not said in a petulant and rather just a matter of fact way. It sounds like you are both a little disturbingly in parent and child mode. I can understand you being in child but am not sure how good it is that she has let that push her strongly into parent rather than adult.


If you step back then what is your professional opinion of the dynamic between you? I understand it must be hard to do that.