Therapist Too Nice?

[zoie33]

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable or annoyed when their therapist is too nice? My therapist is always so careful to tell me before he does something or he won't give an opinion until I agree to hear it etc. He is always so "nice" I can hardly stand it. I just wish he would be more firm or push me harder. That is more acceptable behaviour for my sick mind to accommodate.

 

[asadafagahajakal]

I feel the same way. With my friends, even my own wife, im blunt, like find the nicest way to say pull your head out of your ass kind of blunt when needed.

I do unto others as i want done to me. I cant stand people that are afraid of offending me. All youre gonna do is offend me. But thats how we advance as people. You cant be that delicate you cant handle the slightest bad news or a good old fashioned passionate kick in the ass.

Have you told this to your t? Maybe you should try being blunt with them so they can follow suit

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just wish he would be more firm or push me harder.

I told mu therapist I wanted him to do that. I had Good Will Hunting, the scence where the Robin Williams cornered Matt Damon. And my therapist said "that would never accomplish anything. This isn't something someone can push you through." And he is right. Healing takes a ton of empathy, niceness, understanding, and being in it for the long haul.

I used to be annoyed by it and now I look foward to it!

And why would he give his opinion if you aren't ready to hear it? Actually actively hear it? That's why he asks I'm sure. Its ok if you say no and you aren't ready to hear it. But thats why my therapists asks me as I asked him why he asked me that.

 

[Sandstone]

I've seen several therapists. The two I thought were too nice were the ones I ended up most able to trust and be open with. We aren't used to people being kind and supportive, so it feels alien.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable or annoyed when their therapist is too nice? My therapist is always...

Well, the patient as well as the T should come to an understanding of what both sides need to agree on in order to make therapy work.
It makes sense that different people function in different ways, what some see as pushy others may view as active and positive. There is a wide range of understandings I am sure when different therapies are used.

 

[Justmehere]

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable or annoyed when their therapist is too nice? My therapist is always so careful to tell me before he does something or he won't give an opinion until I agree to hear it etc. He is always so "nice" I can hardly stand it. I just wish he would be more firm or push me harder. That is more acceptable behaviour for my sick mind to accommodate.

I struggle with this as well! Do you find it hard to take compliments as well? I do.

It's taken some time for me to figure out that often, one of these three things are at play for me:

1.) Nice = might be a sociopath trying to manipulate me just like a past abuser.... thus DANGER. In therapy, this is usually the least likely option.

2.) Nice = it might be safe to be close and open up = I might take risks/get really hurt.... thus, someone being nice to me feels uncomfortable.

3.) Nice = maybe I deserve niceness = maybe my abusers were really wrong and I didn't deserve it, and I actually deserve kindness.... this makes the abuse all the more injust and real, and I have to feel more grief and pain because of what I have missed out on... It's annoying when my therapist doesn't agree with my self contempt and let me believe I deserve nothing that is kind or nice. Some people use self contempt, and it's counterpart, pushing away niceness, as a way to push people and pain away. I'm one of them. It's hard to let go of it.

I also don't like being treated with kid gloves, as if I'm super fragile. I don't like that at all. It feels vulnerable.... Like I'm broken when I'm not.

Plus, sometimes, I need bluntness. I need someone to just say it like it is, and not sugar coat it. It just plain feels bad.

Some trauma therapists are careful about telling people what they are going to do before doing it. It's part of trying to help someone feel safe and not inadvertently spooked or pushed around. Sometimes they do it because many trauma survivors are not comfortable with saying no, and will too easily go with what doesn't feel ok. When my therapist became more sure I would tell her she is pushing too far, stop, and that I would set boundaries with her if she went too far, she was willing to be more blunt. She still insists on being terribly kind. (lol.)

Some therapists ask before they give an opinion because sometimes, the therapist's opinion isn't at all what the client needs. At other times they may ask if the client is ready, because if someone says they are ready to hear an opinion, they generally take it in better. Being nice is part of doing effective therapy.

I'd suggest telling your therapist how his being nice affects you, and to work it through together. Maybe things need to shift in how he communicates with you. I'm guessing he will continue to be kind though, and if you keep getting used to healthy kindness, it will begin to be less and less uncomfortable and more and more reassuring... and it will even begin to feel... well, nice. :)

 

[zoie33]

Thank you so much for that reply it really hit home. Yes I am going to say something. I too would just prefer he be blunt that's the way I am, a just the facts Jack person. I hate when he makes me make all the decisions. Just tell me what I need to know don't treat me with kid gloves I hate that. If I ask a question just answer it I don't need to give my permission for you to answer my question or give me your opinion on it that's why I asked. I know there are people that respond better to the gentle loving kindness but that's not me that's not what I'm used to very hard to do with that you accept it. It doesn't seem honest.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know there are people that respond better to the gentle loving kindness but that's not me that's not what I'm used to very hard to do with that you accept it. It doesn't seem honest.

Well, tell him that. Exactly that. Therapy is a two way relationship and he may not even realize.

 

[Ama Marie Simard]

Absolutely. Almost all the posts on here people complaining about their therapist. Seriously? It's dishonesty to not tell the therapist what your comfortable or uncomfortable with or how they affected you. It does nothing to complain about something online when your therapist should hear it. Except alienate you from the very rapport you should be building. It disturbs me more that people chime in blaming the therapist. Yikes.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Haha I can definitely relate to this! For a loooong time I thought my therapist was so fake nice and I was irritated by it. I wanted her to just be frank and tell me what I needed to hear. Pull things out of me and not be so patient. And omg, stop being so happy to see me. Stop greeting me in the lobby. Stop with all of the pleasantries and be an a$$hole like the rest of the world!!!!

I'm so glad she is who she is. Her kindness has taught me that I deserve to be treated well and respected and accepted and all that crap I went through hating it was about hating myself and thinking I didn't deserve to be treated like an equal.

Absolutely. Almost all the posts on here people complaining about their therapist. Seriously?...

I understand your frustration but maybe that was something best kept to yourself? Yes, talking to the therapist is ideal but we are all in different stages of our journey and our confidence and fear and for some, they just aren't at that stage where they can be open about things and that's ok. I hate thinking that someone won't ask for help out of fear of being judged. We all have fear. We all want to be brave and not need anyone sometimes. The poster was brave enough to ask for help here. Let's not shame anyone for that.

 

[zoie33]

Thanks UnicornSightings. You took the words right out of my mouth. Did you ever say anything to your therapist about how you felt? I'm sure I will at some point but there is only so much time and there are just so many other more important things right now.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thanks UnicornSightings. You took the words right out of my mouth. Did you ever say anything to your the...

I don't think I ever did. It took me a really long time to truly open up to her so I would just silently seethe lol. Actually I think I was probably a jerk at times to test her. And there were a few times I lashed out at her a bit. And she did nothing back. She didn't raise her voice. She didn't cut me off. She listened patiently and responded gently. She never sighed. (Who doesn't sigh??!!! I can be exasperating!). I want, more than most things, to grow to treat people exactly the way she has treated me.

I don't know if your T's approach will work for you. I didn't think this patient and gentle way would work for me at all because I wasn't wired that way. I am now, though. Or getting there.