Therapist... Who Should I See?

[WillyKat]

That sound you're hearing telling you not to share your story, not to see a shrink, etc....that's the abuse talking. Your silence is what the abusers of the world want. Don't give it to them. When you speak up, they become the frightened ones.

 

[Hashi]

He said "of course" he has experience with trauma and PTSD

Well then, why not tell you more about it? This isn't the response, or level of response, or level of understanding, that I personally would be hoping for.

Samantha, I'm going to venture to say that the fact that this whole project and the emails about it has a big resonance for you, doesn't mean that the project itself is meant to be your future for the next year or two or three. It could mean that It's alerting you to a number of things that will - in one way or another, which may turn out to be not about this psychologist and this project - be instrumental to your healing.

I kind of have a feeling that the original message in your inbox had a huge amount of resonance for you, and I want to say that I get that. I saw a website once that had so much resonance for me that I wondered if I could consider a 6-8 hour round trip to a weekly therapy session. As it turned out, that resonance was not that I should see the therapist in question, but that I had something to learn from him that would help me find the therapist who was right for me.

Please keep an open mind about this. Things happen in all sorts of different ways, and things that are meant might be meant to lead us to other things. I just want to suggest that.

 

[Abstract]

I remember a time when I was totally frozen in fear trying to get into therapy. I felt hopeless about ever being able to get in again. Every day I would set micro steps and sometimes I would manage them. It was like someone had turned me to stone. Then something came to me without me doing anything and I remember the relief that brought. It was a little like a lifeline. Like someone had made a big crack in the stone. Anything else seemed so impossible that although what was coming to me seemed very hard it still gave me some hope and momentum.

It seems to me that this letter has given you some momentum. That maybe it is a lifeline. I think it is fine to use it that way. Fine to just take any steps you are able to take as I think that helps unfreeze us and the more we unfreeze the more options open up to us.

A few more steps along the path I hope you look at the qualifications he has again and use the contact according to what you find. He may turn out to be an ideal person to have counselling with or he may just be a good means of being less frozen and building a little more trust and momentum to take the steps you need to take to find someone who understands trauma and help you in the way you deserve to be helped. He may be what Hashi mentioned and someone who can help you find the person you need.

I find any amount of speaking or movement opens the door to the possibility of more movement.

 

[Samantha_38]

@Hashi & @Abstract - I completely agree with both of you. I'm pretty sure this guy probably doesn't have the level of experience that I most likely need to get to the "survivor" stage. However, considering the college I come from "party school" and the crime rate on campus especially trauma related things, I don't doubt that anyone and everyone there at least has some amount of experience with it. Just in general, its a college, so some of it is fairly "common" as sad as that is.

I did send a couple more messages today. Not really much to update anyone with, but just some general things. My history a little bit, the top issues I'm dealing with right now. He asked a couple questions, mostly about how its affecting me and school. Have I ever talked to anyone before, have I ever reported it before, etc.

I'm finding that it is probably exactly what I needed at this time. Going from the ability to email my family doctor about all of these things, and then losing that and feeling like I was back to zero with no one, but almost less than zero because now I knew what it was like to have someone. I was having issues. I mean I'm always having issues, but specifically that issue. It seems the things I feel as my biggest issue, like losing that support, are clearly not the BIG issue, but they actually effect me more than the BIG issue does. On a day to day living basis, I get through school and work, I take care of the kids and house, etc. I have flashbacks, dreams, anxiety, and everything else that comes with PTSD every single day. I've gone 10ish years with these things though, and I know they affect me, but in general it isn't different and is really kind of my "normal". I get way more "out of sync" when other things occur because of the PTSD, and for some reason those other things can effectively throw me off more than what the PTSD usually does. This guy is a little more appropriate to be telling these things too, but still less formal than going into an office, which is something I need, because yes, I'm very "frozen", and I seriously feel that forcing myself to walk into an office right now would most definitely only make things worse. I'm just not ready for it. I'm maybe slowly getting closer to ready for it, but not there.

I'm also keeping in mind the fact that I am a senior. This is a college based "program" if that's what I should call it. As such, I do realize that after I'm not going to that college things will probably have to change. I guess right now I'm just going with what feels right, which is hard for me to distinguish because right and wrong don't always feel a whole lot different for me, but I'm pretty sure this one is right.

 

[Barconian]

Impressive @Samantha_38 :)

 

[Samantha_38]

Well, so we've been talking back and forth almost constantly through the message system. I'm going in next Friday. I super nervous. I feel like it was really fast, but I'm pretty comfortable talking to this guy. I guess I'll see what happens, if I don't pass out from nerves.

 

[Abstract]

Inspiring. Well done.

 

[Samantha_38]

UGGG! NERVES! I can't concentrate at all. It's Saturday right? I'm not going to survive this week! I mean quite clearly I am, I'm just being dramatic, but REALLY, I may pass out walking into the door of the office. I know him now, I mean at least to the extent that he isn't a complete stranger. I don't have to walk in and open up to a complete stranger, which was my problem with therapy right? He knows some of what I went through. He knows what I'm currently struggling the most with. He knows I could freeze up, so I don't have to worry about that. Wasn't that my other problem with therapy? Why is this so difficult, I'm so confused?

He doesn't know my name. Oh my gosh, how am I going to tell him my name? Like do I just say it when he comes out the waiting room to get me? What if the receptionist asks for it? Why am I afraid to say my name? Everyone on this site knows my first name. I might literally fall into pieces before Friday.

*CALM DOWN, BREATHE*

This is my brain right now! Where is the off switch? It can't be doing this until Friday!

 

[Hashi]

I'm sorry you have such a long wait. I would find that very difficult.

How are you on grounding, coping and distraction skills? In addition to breathing there are lots of things you can do, and they get better with practice. This would seem to be a good time for practice. :) I think they'll be good for after your appointment too.

If you search the site on "grounding" or "coping" you'll find there are threads with ideas. Also if you google on things like "DBT emotion regulation" and "DBT distraction". (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - DBT - includes ideas for this.)

For this kind of thinking I'd recommend doing something with your hands (eg cleaning, crafts, fixing something) or doing something with your mind (eg puzzles, learning something by heart, planning a project). I'd suggest allowing yourself an allotted amount of time (say, 5 minutes every hour, or half an hour every day) to think about the appointment. The rest of the time, tell yourself you'll think about it during the allotted time and then go straight to your alternative activity.

It's horrible to feel so nervous, but I'd suggest making a virtue out of a necessity and using this to increase your skills.

 

[Samantha_38]

How are you on grounding, coping and distraction skills?

I would be absolutely, with out a doubt, terrible at these. I've never had any experience with them. My coping has always been avoidance number one, and when that didn't work drugs, alcohol, and/or self-harm. The distraction skills work sometimes, and that typically means I do homework or clean. My concentration is gone on the homework though, and that's where the frustration was mostly coming from when I wrote this post. I do REALLY like your ideas though, and will definitely try some of them out, but I already know I will be horrible at it. You can see why I need to go meet this guy in the first place.

Luckily, when the week starts up again, he will be messaging again and I have no problem voicing my fears with him. He's been very reassuring, and that helps a little at least. Also the fact that it seems like he already knew I was going to be like this is helpful. I have yet to surprise him with anything, which is a good sign. My life can be kind of "shocking", even for psychologists/counselors/etc. who are suppose to be able to deal with these things. I haven't scared him away yet, and I've told him some pretty in-depth things, so that at least makes me a little more comfortable that he'll be able to handle the part where I most definitely will be a mess when I'm there.